Would you tell your DP something that was hurtful to them?

[ScotchBonny]

Essentially I saw something in DSC’s homework describing their family. Mentioning how close they are to their family but only listing siblings and grandparents. Parents don’t get a mention.

It could be a “taken for granted” scenario (ie of course I’m close to my M&D so didn’t think to write it) or it could be an insight into how DSC feels about their parents post divorce and somewhat messy circs regarding where DSC lived after their parents’ separation. Would you show your DP? Or just leave it?

Just leave it. Most dps who don't have their dc full time feel guilty enough.
Maybe double check in your own mind if the dsc are involved enough in your home.
If not, you can help change that not just your dp.

DSC lives with us! Which is part of the reason for my concern, that they are more bonded to family other than parents. :-(

I came to say no I wouldn't, but I was thinking of a different situation, where there was nothing he could do to change what might be hurtful.
This is different.

I guess it depends on how he would react - do you think telling him will help him reflect on the situation, or he will get all defensive?

DH would definitely not be defensive. He’s want to find a way forward but I think there’s little more that can be done at the moment. DH feels very close to DSC and there’s been a good deal of love bombing while gently establishing boundaries for behaviour. DH is not particularly strict and is very kind. I wouldn’t say anything but the teacher is going to read it! So is it fair that DH doesn’t see it? Or for that matter DSC’s DM?

No. Telling him won't do anyone any good.

DSC may resent you 'telling on him'.

DH may be hurt.

May cause upset all around.

But does DH not check his homework anyway?

It depends on the person you are telling and the way they will respond. Are they going to be constructive and will they see their role in the problem ?

I have to acknowledge a sensitivity here, my DP feels the same way towards his parents as your DSC. For more or less the same reasons. There is still unconditional love but not respect and a strong element of dislike. I more or less take his side.

So for me I would question why you OH isn’t aware of this problem anyway and doesn’t have the insight into the problems he or she caused during their divorce. He or she had a responsibility to their children to put them first even before the hurt and acrimony of a divorce. It really pisses me off when parents don’t do this. So if you OH is hurt by their child’s response they have to accept responsibility. It’s not about them.

I also don't understand why neither of his parents are reading his homework either!

Thanks for responses. I’m sorry about your DP LemonTT. However I can’t go into the detailed reasons and background here so I also can’t defend or explain their set of very particular circumstances. Clearly parents have to do their best by their children and not all parents are perfect, not all situations are the same. I suspect that even though it was not especially acrimonious (and no infidelity on either side) their divorce did more damage to their DC than they realised. They can’t turn back the clock and DH and I are working really hard to give DSC more stability and security than has been possible.

Renthe homework, DSC lives with us so this DM sees no homework. DH is away this week so I’m the one checking it’s been done.

I understand and I didn’t want to sound unsympathetic or waspish so thought it best to explain why I might have a bias on this subject.

If it does help I know parents, a bio and a step, whose children had terrible experiences during the divorce which went on over a number of years. No nastiness on their side and no affairs. But the children suffered due of the awful behaviour of the other parent. They more or less accepted it would impact on the children and have arranged therapy. They didn’t wait to see the problems. They just concluded no child would be resilient enough to deal with the experience.

My DP had other people to help him and is a successful adult. But like I said he doesn’t like his parents. He loves them and has a relationship but there isn’t any respect there. So it is not something kids just sweep under the carpet. Even 40 years later. So my advice is to suggest to your OH that you get help for the child and the family before any problems start to appear.

That’s a really kind reply LemonTT, thank you