Fiancé and female college

[LauraK85]

Would you be pissed off if a female colleague bought your fiancé boxer shorts for Christmas? And he lied and he said he bought them himself? Basically my fiancé has a female friend at work for the last three years. I've never met her but seen her pictures, she's very attractive and single. Over the last three years my fiancé has been emailing her/texting her from his work phone. He has done this behind my back and without telling me. He once let me order something from his phone and I saw a long chain of emails between the two of them. There was nothing dodgy really, a few flirty things like wink face emojis etc. This has happened a few times now where I've seen he has been messaging her behind my back, even on weekends like Sunday evenings. As I said quite friendly but nothing too dodgy. I've never meet this woman and he's never suggested that we meet, when I said I'd like to meet her he said we would but then nothing came of it. Anyway at Christmas I noticed some new boxer shorts on the clothes airer. I said where have these come from, he said he had bought them himself. I thought he was lying because they were completely different colour/style to what he normally wears. I asked him numerous times and if he had bought them and continues to insist he had, even getting nasty and making me feel irrational. Then yesterday I asked him again and I said swear on my life you have bought them and that's when he admitted the female friend at work had bought them him for Xmas. Do you think it's strange that she would buy him boxer shorts? Just want to know if I'm being unreasonable really! I'm upset he lied and he said he did because he knew I wouldn't be happy if I knew she bought them. I said do you buy her gifts, he said he'd bought her a mug. Again I didn't know anything about this. Do you think it's strange that he's not telling me about these gifts etc? I know I need to trust him but just hurt that he lied. What do people think about this situation? Had this happened to anyone else? I don't want to come across as a green eyed monster but hate the secrecy from me.

I dont think you are being unreasonable at all, anything done in secret is bound to arouse suspicion. How would he react if you had exchanged endless messages with a male colleague and then he bought you underwear for Christmas.

Buying a married colleague underwear is all kinds of wrong - unless they were a joke as part of a Secret Santa and opened in full view of everyone at work.

You're not being unreasonable at all.

Has he told her he's single?. Most do.

How weird. I had a close male colleague friend who was married when I was single. I wouldn't have dreamt of buying him bloody underwear! If I ever bought him gifts for Xmas it was always a joint gift to him AND his wife, I would write her name on gift tags and cards, and it would always be something they could share, like a nice bottle of bubbly.

Not ever. EVER. underwear.

How weird

That's sooo inappropriate, and he knows it too, hence lying about it

The relationship became inappropriate the moment he decided to hide it, lie and gaslight you. It went from a friendship to the start of an emotional affair.

He hid her because he is developing feelings.

You should sit down and have a candid talk about this now before it blossoms into a full blown emotional or physical affair.

He will deny it but you know the truth now. He should step back from her, stop the texts and chats and put some distance between them and if he can't do this to save his relationship with you then you need to think about why you accept being second best.

As a PP said, unless they were jokey ones as part of a secret santa, then it does seem a strange present for a colleague to buy. (Female or otherwise).

Look on the bright side, if they are a totally different type to the ones he usually wears, she presumably hasn't seen his actual pants? The lying is very concerning of course. ( I don't see the need for him to tell you he bought her a mug for Christmas. That seems to be a very big standard 'colleague' present.) i think a long talk with your partner is in order. They may not be having an affair yet, but there are clear danger signs.

I don’t see anything particularly inappropriate about the present. Men’s underwear isn’t really sexualised is it? It’s the equivalent of buying granny pants for a woman. But his behaviour is. If it was an innocent friendship he wouldn’t be concealing it (unless there is a background of controlling and paranoid behaviour on your part).

Buying a married colleague underwear is all kinds of wrong - unless they were a joke as part of a Secret Santa and opened in full view of everyone at work.

You're not being unreasonable at all.

I agree 100%, I have a feeling they are not santa orientated? I think it’s really shit for him to lie (he clearly knows how weird it is) and her doing that she knows you would have come across them

I feel for you OP

Three years, secret messaging on work phone, even at home, gift of intimate clothing, lying several times about said gift. They are already having an emotional affair at the very least. Three years of developing intimacy. When he kept her a secret and lied about the gift, he was prioritizing her and creating emotional distance between you. Nip this now.

It's weird and inappropriate. However, questioning him like that over some new underpants is also weird. My ex bought himself underpants sometimes. Well I guess he bought them himself because I didn't question him, just like he didn't question me when I bought myself new underwear.

But if they wanted to be together, what is stopping them? Have you got children?

I don’t see anything particularly inappropriate about the present. Men’s underwear isn’t really sexualised is it? It’s the equivalent of buying granny pants for a woman

Firstly, would you buy granny knickers for a female colleague?

Secondly, pants cover bums and genitals. Whether the style is overly sexualised or not is irrelevant. It's inappropriate for people to give colleagues underwear...

Years ago, I remember a letter in a problem page from a woman whose husband had been given underwear by a female colleague. The response was that when you buy underwear for someone of the opposite sex the implication is that you want to see them in it. I could see the logic at the time and I still can. Sorry OP.

The lying is very worrying too.

Then yesterday I asked him again and I said swear on my life you have bought them and that's when he admitted the female friend at work had bought them him for Xmas

Fuck me, any bloke who questioned where my underwear came from would be shown the door in short order

It's weird but doesn't really mean too much in itself because it could be a funny secret santa type gift (depending what they look like). The lying is a really big deal for me.

Highly inappropriate unless they are a joke, why would she buy him underwear unless there was a reason behind it.

They may not be the type of underwear that he wears but she clearly likes them or she wouldn't have bought them for him. Maybe it's her way of letting him know what she likes?
Ultimately though i believe that underwear is a gift you buy for someone you know extremely well, inside out and upside down. It's quite an intimate present and highly inappropriate from "just a colleague" which I don't believe she is. Way more to this op.
If there was nothing to hide then her messages would not be kept secret.

You are underreacting. He has been making a fool of you.

You had a niggle about this woman and all the hidden texting/emailing. You had a stronger niggle about the atypical boxers that showed up at Christmas.

He lied numerous times, and used anger to manipulate you to shut up and back off.

The hidden messages, intimate gift, lying and gaslighting equal betrayal.

The next step is him telling her at work.....I'm wearing the boxers you got me and/or her asking to see him in them. V inappropriate OP. Add in the lying. He would be my ex fiance I'm afraid.