Unbalanced relationship? Weid feeling. Long post.

[Kiviliin]

Hello all! Long post.
I feel like I'm in a weird position. Like I am the "leader who holds the power" and my boyfriend is "pushover". I do not want to feel like this, but due to circumstances I do. I do not even know what I'm trying to ask here..

So, we are both 30, we have been together little less than 2 years. Lived together less than a year. I believe we are somewhat different in terms of how we want to be loved or how we feel loved. We both work full-time, I have hobbies, some friends I occasionally see, he has no hobbies and does not meet with his friends. He did, years ago, but has lost most of the contact.

He likes to spend a lot of time with me, cuddle, be affectionate - so physical presence is important to him. I like more of the emotional connection and do not need so much physical presence etc, I also like to be alone at home sometimes (been single for years, so been used to it and really enjoy it). He has been rather clingy and refused to properly accept that it's an issue. I figured we are just different and could not cope together - I tried reducing massively my hobby time, gave up all alone-time etc. I saw it made me unhappy and I cannot accept quitting or reducing these activities (hobby class two nights during work week, hobby-related performance around once during two months + additional one-two rehearsals prior), meeting with friends on average once per month. sometimes going away to meet those friends who live in my hometown. On top of that, I would like some alone time at home sometimes and to have a short vacation (a weekend or a week tops) lets say a few times per year to meet my mother or friends in my hometown.

He is good in other aspects and I really like the good parts. But I accepted that I cannot make him happy because I am not willing to change myself in some aspects, mainly the fact that I want less time spent together than him. I told him I want to break up. He said that he does not want to, he told me that he had the "lightbulb'" moment where he now understand everything I have been telling him (i.e go find some hobby (he had hobbies years ago), put an effort in meeting up with his friends (he has turned down many invitations from his closest friend), just because I want to do other things as well does not mean I do not care about him etc). He told me he is happy with me the way I am, he understand he has been too clingy, he knows he has anxiety issues etc. He really does, I can see how his hands start shaking if he has to talk to some stranger or so... Most of the times he can hide it, but I see that he really has fears of "making a fool of himself" etc, he was also bullied at school (according to him).

Due to the good things, I gave him anther chance. He signed up to a hobby group (starts in April), he also wen to see a psychologist to deal with his anxieties and negative thoughts and fears (had first meeting a few days ago). He has been active and good, we have opened up our communication properly etc. He accepts all my other activities and is proposing times when I can spend some time alone at home (he will go shopping alone for example, or go see his parents alone etc, says it is actually normal that we do not do everything together).

But I feel like I am a nasty bitch, who is unwilling to change, makes other person to accept things, makes him bend so much etc. He says he wants to be the person he now is, he acknowledges that there are fears and anxieties that have blocked him to be the active and not-clingy man. I want to believe him. And I like these developments. But I feel so bad, because I feel like I have forced him to do something and that I have the power to just make him to do everything what I want. I keep thinking that perhaps it is not right relationship after all.. Or perhaps I should give more time (it has been only three weeks since the break-up/getting together again, so it is very early days) and if he manages to beat his issues and be more confident in his wishes and actions, I will eventually forget those weird feelings. I have always dreamed that I have someone confident and strong and rather I would miss my boyfriend, not the other way around etc. Then again, my current boyfriend has very good characteristics regarding other aspects. And I know you cannot have it all. Especially that he is literally the best guy I have met during the last 10 years...But I'm worried that he really cannot accept the way I am? I do not know..

You sound as if your real issue is that the fact that (1) you said you couldn't deal with his neediness and clinginess and (2) he said OK, and acted to try to change the stuff you had a problem with, by seeing a therapist, reconnecting with friends and going back to a hobby, but now (3) you feel that because he did what you said, he's a weak pushover and you have all the power, and you don't find it attractive.

I think you should unpick that a bit. You complained about something and said it was a deal-breaker to the point where you actually ended the relationship, he has taken the first steps to working on the problem, but that isn't making you happy.Why not? Are you realising that even if he works on his neediness you no longer want to continue the relationship? Perhaps because you want someone who is actually naturally confident and less reliant on you etc, rather than someone who has to force himself to have any kind of social life of his own, and literally wants to stay at home with you 24/7?

I wouldn't blame you at all if this was the case. I couldn't be with someone that clingy and anxious.

Pishogue - I guess you have summed it up really well.
Yes, I do want someone who is naturally confident and and equal partner in terms of staying true to himself, having an opinion and sticking with it in reasonable amounts (compromises are of course good and needed and I also compromise etc, but I can still be rather confident etc). On the other hand, I also want someone who is warm, caring, helpful, does household chores, cooks, likes to have long walks and knows how to use tools.
I have had rather meh or bad experiences with men so far and he really is a decent, good, loving, funny and an adorable man who ticks the latter boxes. However, yes, he has this confidence issue, clingyness issue. He is confident in some areas - he is so good cook, he never gets lost in unfamiliar places or even in forest, he is a good driver, he repairs things in the house with a confidence etc. These are all things I really appreciate.

However, thinking about it more, I guess my issue is that I do not know exactly what I want or what I want right now! Right now I actually feel that I'm tired of being in a relationship and I want to be free and explore and have fun. BUT if I became ready to have kinds, then he would be perfect partner. And thinking about old days - I think he would be perfect partner. I guess our "wild, fun and free" honeymoon period got a bit ruined because of this clinginess issue and just feel so exhausted and it is hard to see him as the one giving me space and fun, because for a relatively long period of time he was the one who somewhat limited or restricted me.
But I also feel like I would regret it later in my life if I would break things off with him, because I can find fun and freedom right now, but then I would perhaps not have such a good father for my children etc if I someday come to the point of having children.

ready to have kids (not kinds).

And I get the feeling that he is a bit intimidated (if this is the correct word) by me, because I am more active, more confident, more educated, I have a bit higher salary, I own an apartment (where we now both live, he previously rented an apartment) etc. Maybe he does not and I just imagine it or perhpas I myself have an issue with it.. I do not know. He has told that it does not bother him, but how can I be sure. At the same time, he seems to be jealous of people who earn more money, who have better living conditions etcetc.

So your issue is really that by acting this way in agreeing to change, he's actually continuing the narrative that he's the beta and you're the alpha?

Don't stay with him because one day you might what to have children. You don't sound compatible. End it. Let him go, he'll meet someone else who likes to be cuddled and to feel physical affection. Don't settle, not at 30.

When a relationship ends, it’s natural for the dumped party to want to understand why. And if the dumper is honest, it’s natural for the dumpee to think ‘Well that’s ok, if that’s the problem, I can change that!’. But it’s rarely as simple as that. If you liked him enough you’d have been prepared to put up with the character traits. It’s something more fundamental than that.

Basically, you’re just not that into him.

Hmm, I had a partner like this. He never did change, not very long anyway (he stopped therapy after two sessions)

He had no friends or hobbies - he said he only needed me.

He turned out to be very controlling and manipulative, with jealousy issues. (he threatened suicide when I left him, and claimed he had taken an overdose when he hadn’t.)

It got to the stage where I felt like I had to apologise or explain myself if I needed time alone. He was always pawing at me. But I felt sorry for him. He started throwing it back at me, saying “look at everything I have done for you, I have even had therapy because YOU wanted me to.” Then he said I was abusive for calling him “clingy” and that I was constantly making him feel “bad about himself”

I ended up trying to make more time for him. Feeling guilty that I was not a caring enough girlfriend. He even started driving me to work so we could “spend more time together” as he said he wanted to do that.

I was more educated and successful. Initially I felt like the power balance was in my favour, and felt bad for wanting space when he was so “attentive and caring”.

Maybe you feel uneasy because you are being manipulated? Watch and wait, see how it goes with the “new” him who has suddenly seen the light.

ChristmasTigger - thank you for sharing! I have previously thought about so much about it, that maybe he is controlling and abusive or so. He has been a bit passive-agressive also. But at the same time, his actions have become better over time, to be honest - even before the break up. I reminded him several times that I do not like his passive agressive behaviour when I want to go out with friends for example, and he has managed to control it pretty well and has even pushed me to go. Also, he always wanted to go to work together and come home together, but this has resolved now. However, it resolved because he changed his position in work and was thus transferred to another building and we are no working in opposing directions. I'm even worried that perhaps I am overthinking, because I have read so much about abuse that maybe I am imagining that he is. BUT I will keep my eyes open and see how it goes...

I think that my problem is also that I have always dreamed of a warm and romantic guy also, but throuhgout my life I have encountered these unavailable or rather bad men, so I had to work hard to gain their attention and I was always anxious etc. I have not had a relationship whit a proper man who truly loves me and is always there. I guess it is very difficult to adjust being in a committed relationship with someone who is always there for me.

You are not overthinking. You have started reading about abuse because you know, deep down, that his behaviour is very manipulative. You are just hoping it will change.

I too, had recently left a marriage to someone who was emotionally unavailable. When I met the next guy, I was thinking “I’ve never had someone who loves me SO much before”. And it felt really good, at first, to be the centre of someone’s world.

So I tried to brush over the sulking and silent treatments at first, usually triggered by failing to give him enough attention or to acknowledge him in some way that he needed.

I Ended up feeling completely drained and trying to work around his moods. He often blamed his “anxiety” when he was actually sulking. Or became terribly depressed when I was busy with other things - ultimately he always found a way to move my focus back to him.

Good luck with it all.

Tbh you talk about yourself and how “great” you are an awful lot, it’s pretty obvious you perceive yourself to be better than him in every area of life. Let him go , he can do better!

That's rubbish @Lefty1. She isn't saying she is great, she is talking through the dynamics of her relationship and being perfectly honest. Because this is an anonymous forum and she wants advice!

I can see your dilemma very well, op. It could be that he's just trying to find a way to make the relationship work and regrets being sulky and relying on you too much. I think I'd be inclined to give it time. But only you know what your gut is telling you x

I could have written a similar post when younger (Not being rude, am just much older than you!). Lots of men are kind and sweet and want to spend time with their loved one, for me I felt they were clingy and nauseating and a bit wet.
If I were you, I'd let this one go and figure out what you want and figure you out a bit. If I were up for another relationship, I need a nice bloke, who is independent but will (kindly) call me out on my controlling bollocks. What do you need?

I'm a bit confused- if you are the dominant one, why did you give up your hobbies and alone-time when he started having wobblies about it? Ok, you've reasserted yourself now, but his clinginess and demands to be with you all the time would feel suffocating to me.

I'm not sure you are as in control as you think you are here. If you don't feel excited about getting back together with him, don't, and I wouldn't make a 'head' decision about him being a great father, you really cannot tell that at this stage.

Please listen to your instincts and worry about the now, not the future.

Men like this are suffocating, needy and leave a lot of women cold.

It's not at all a bad thing for someone to want to change and adapt in a relationship, - it shows commitment from your OH. But , there is clearly something that doesnt sit right for you and it's not really clear what that is.

If you could give yourself advice 2-years ago when you first met- what would you say? And do you feel like you are carrying him emotionally and financially?

I'm really confused You all make such good points!

He has so many good traits and when he exhibits those, I feel so good with him! Currently he acts so normal and on paper everything is fine. But I have so many weird feelings inside. I like to talk to him, spend time with him, but something is nagging all the time.

Yes, I guess I am carrying him emotionally and this also makes me feel I have to be "strong", because if I show some emotional weakness he is not so well prepared to handle it. He handles it ok, he has improved a lot in terms of this, but I feel that as he is emotionally weaker than I am, then I should not rely on him. If that makes sense. And this makes me feel that the relationship is unbalanced. Regarding finances, I earn a bit more than him, but it is not huge difference (its like 1,000 vs 1,200), and we both earn around national average salary. But I have saved money and I think I can manage money better, I do not even know on what he spends his money, but I can see that he should be able to save a bunch of money every month at least since moving in together (as the housing costs, which we pay 50%-50%, decreased considerably for him), but he claims he has no money at the end of the month, he cannot save, he cannot buy him a new coat if the old one is broken etc. I do not know where his money goes, because he does not do anything! I spend on cosmetics, my hobby, medications etc, we both buy food and household products, I put considerable amount on my saving account.

I do not know. It is really so weird! He is very nice, calm, helpful, has never raised his voice at me, has never criticized me, basically has put me on pedestal, but is able to point out my traits that are not perfect about me, but he does not criticise these traits. But on the other hand, there are some weird things about his behaviour that are so difficult to explain, but at the same time so easy to just tell myself "everyone has weird behaviors, so do I, and you must compromise and accept some things in relationships, you cannot have it to be 100% perfect".

Argh, I'm sorry. Iknow I'm ranting about random topics like a crazy person. I should just chill and think through what I exactly want, keep my eyes and mind open and just be.

I also figured out that perhaps I should find a counsellor, so I can rant about all the topics that come in my mind, who can give me professional opinion about my expectations and real possibilities, who can perhaps give objective feedback (I can talk a lot more, than write here obviously), who perhaps can help me figure out why am I in such position, what do I really want etc.

I think at some level you want an alpha male and however nice this guy is, it isn’t deep down what you want and you probably find it very unsexy too. Thing is it’s rare to find someone who ticks all the boxes so you have to think about that. My H has always been quite needy in many ways, and I too like space. It took him having an EA that I found out about for me to grow some balls, make new friends and tell him I’m going out or having a night away with a friend etc, before that he would get huffy and I stopped doing it. Now I feel I have the upper hand and I just tell him. You can’t inherently change someone’s personality though, if they aren’t bothered about friends or hobbies, let that become their issue, don’t make it yours.