Help me make sense of this...

[ginmakestheworldgoround]

Name changed for this. Apologies in advance as this is likely to be very long.

I just want some advance about this situation as I am struggling to get my head around it.

I have an 8 month old baby. My husband and I have been together for 11 years, married for 4. Our relationship is usually very strong, we are best friends, a great team and I love our life together.

Obviously since we had our baby, the sex side of things has taken a back seat. To be honest, it had been on the decline even before baby came along in terms of the frequency, but when we did have sex, it has always been great.

Last night, at 0330 just after I had breastfed my baby and tried to settle him back in his cot (he is in his own room), I got back into bed and my husband tried to initiate sex by trying to put his hand down my pants. I removed his hand and said ‘No, you must be fucking joking.’ He didn’t say anything and just rolled over. The baby wasn’t asleep and was clearly going to need resettling, about 15 mins later as I was about to get up to see to the baby he said ‘shall I go?’ so I replied, ‘well yes, if you’ve got enough energy for sex, I think you’ve got enough energy to settle the baby.’

This morning he was quiet so I asked what was wrong and it transpires he is upset ‘not because I said no, but because of how I said it’. I explained that him trying to initiate sex in that circumstance (0330am, I’d just fed the baby, baby wasn’t settled and also….TIRED!) got my back up and that’s why I reacted that way. It just pisses me off that he can’t see from my point of view why sex might not be the top of my agenda at that moment. He has apologised for this though and admits he chose the wrong moment. After further discussion, he admitted that the way I said no has made him feel shit about himself. He told me he is struggling with his body confidence at the moment and this made him feel worse about himself. So just for some context, I am carrying extra baby weight, have a flabby, stretch mark covered tummy, crap skin and hair. Oh and I’ve been having physio to deal with a 2nd degree tear that didn’t heal properly and was causing pain and stress incontinence after having our baby. Yet he is struggling with body confidence

So anyway, we talked more and he feels the lack of affection (cuddles, kisses and closeness as well as sex) is the cause of him feeling rubbish about himself and not desirable. This has always been, not an issue as such, but something I am aware of, he needs these things to feel loved whereas I feel loved in different ways. But I just don’t have the headspace to deal with it at the moment and I'm finding it difficult to be sympathetic. I am going back to work over the next few weeks so that is playing on my mind.

I suppose I just want some advice or insight into how to improve things. At the moment he has basically left me feeling guilty that he is feeling rejected and unloved because I am not being physically affectionate enough. Which I know isn’t his intention but it’s how I feel. Also, just to point out, we last had sex 11 days ago. It is averaging once every 2/3 weeks at the moment. We kiss and cuddle every day although usually only briefly and not as much as we used to.

Does anyone have any advice or has been through similar?

Sounds like you are both still adjusting to the new baby

He’s feeling the change and not got the appropriateness right

You possibly were a little harsh in the way you rejected him

Talk. Talk. Talk. It doesn’t sound like you can’t.

Then hug it out

Let him feel bad. How he feels is his decision.

I'd be telling him that being available for sex when he wants it and his poor body issues are two separate things.

Was there any need for you to say he could settke the baby as he was able for sex. Why not just say, yes, thanks?

You need to talk this through further. The lack of sex is an issue for you and no doubt impacting on your self esteem.

I'd tell anyone to fuck off at 3:30am, seriously.

I get the impression he is trying to guilt you in to having sex more..

This was my DH and I after having our DS. He was jealous of the baby being the priority and the centre of my world. I just had to reassure him frequently that I still loved him, fancied him BUT we have a fucking baby now so stop being so selfish and immature. He grew out of his petulance!

Are you sharing the night feeds? I know you're breastfeeding but what will happen when you go back to work, will he help then? This might help you feel less tired and help him to feel like this baby is his responsibility too.

Of course it was ridiculous of him to ask for sex at 3.30am and id have given my DH a very curt response too. But it sounds like he's apologised for this and knows it was insensitive?

I would just have a chat with him about how things are going to work going forwards with you working, and how you're both feeling about the relationship etc, when you're both less stressed and tired (hard to find a moment like that when you've a new baby I know)

I feel for your DH if he has body issues. I understand it feels inconsequential compared to what your body has gone through, but that doesn't mean he isn't allowed his own hangups. This is of course separate from demanding sex at 3.30 as anyone with half a mind could see the reason for you not being interested was nothing to do with his appearance, and you're clearly having a lot of sex for two people with a young baby... but my DH never wants sex. And I mean we have sex maybe twice a year at the current rate and it does make me feel ugly and undesired and does not help at all with my post baby body hangups.

Thanks everyone for your replies.

I accept the way I responded was unfair and I will apologise.

He doesn't share the nightfeeds as such as obviously I'm breastfeeding but if I know baby isn't hungry then my husband will get up to settle him back down if I ask him to. But I often feel guilty asking because he is in a senior position in a stressful job and I know he is knackered as it is. I don't know what will happen when I go back. Baby is usually only having 1 feed overnight at the moment so fingers crossed I'll be able to cope with that. I have no issues with how much he does with the baby, he is a fantastic dad and probably does more than his fair share given the fact he is working full time too.

I suppose I don't really know how to help him with the body confidence thing without pressuring myself to have sex when I'm not in the mood.

We will have a chat about it tonight. I've suggested he try and take a week off work before I go back to work so we can have some quality time together so hopefully that will help.

You sound a bit snippy. It's understandable that you didn't want sex at that time, but he didn't pressure you and then when he offered to go and sort the baby you were incredibly rude. If this is how you talk to him normally then I don't blame him for feeling rejected.

I would sit him down and try and make him understand how all consuming looking after a baby is and that you're still healing from the pregnancy and birth. It won't be forever and that you love him etc. Also if he were to just get up and sort the baby out without asking, it would allow you to relax more and not feel like the baby is all your responsibility. If you both work as a team, you will be able to rest more, not have to be constantly on alert and be more relaxed and more likely to want to be intimate with him.

It was a daft time to initiate sex but you were unnecessarily curt. I see both sides.

Talk talk and more talk.

This stage in life is fucking tough.

Dh and I are coming out of a five year patch of this due to having more dc. He needs physical touch and affection to feel happy where I need support in other ways. It’s hard to find a balance where both of you feel valid and satisfied.

I withdrew physical affection because I was just so tired and fucked all the time so he gradually drew support because he thought I didn’t care about him any more. It’s a bad cycle

We both Agree that our future involves us being together when the kids fly the nest and can have easier times! (Hopefully!)

Keep taking. Try to reconnect. Try and make time for each other.