Anyone else staying for the DC? Need handhold and advice.

[RebuildingMyLife]

I am coming to the conclusion that my marriage has been slowly dying and will soon be dead. The obvious thing is to separate and divorce but I am not 100% there yet. I think DH knows it is dead but doesn't want to face the consequences.

The practical side of me says that I cannot just leave or ask him to right now. The fall out would be too great. For example, we have only lived in the UK for 2 years as we moved countries with his job 4 times. As a result my career has suffered and I am now a SAHM. Also, my DC attend a fee paying school and after a years of upheaval moving countries etc. are now finally happy and doing really well academically. The alternative is our local secondary is shocking. I don't have the money to pay half of this but if I wait a few years it will be reduced significantly and I could just take the hit out of what equity I get from the house.

Also, I am not in a good place at the moment. I am looking for a job, but no luck so far. I need to update my skills, retrain and/or need more time to look for a job.

Also, being new to my area I don't have a lot of friends. I feel like I need to make more friends and get a network otherwise I am just going to go from one lonely place to an even worse one.

I am feeling pretty lousy at the moment. I love my husband and want him to love me back, but he doesn't. I've also told a few of my close friends that I am not happy and got a different reaction to what I thought I would. One gave me the impression that if "I" left they would take my DH's side.

All in all, I think I need to take some time to rebuild my life so I have a foundation when we stop living together.

Anyone else staying for the DC? How do you cope and how do you make it work and keep your sanity?

Hi,

I stayed for way too long. Final straw was an unplanned pregnancy my ex was unhappy with it but would not leave, he did not talk to me from the day I found out I was pregnant until the day after I miscarried at 13 weeks. He always said he would not leave. I assumed that if I tried to split up with him it would have made it so acrimonious that I could not do that to our children. I was worried about money, wreaking havoc on the kids, ruining everyones lives all just because I was unhappy so I stayed. I thought I had made my bed so I had to lie in it so I did, for another three years.

Unfortunately, this got to the point where I was so miserable, I had no interest in doing anything. I stopped seeing friends, doing anything going anywhere, I would do the school run and go straight back home to mope around the house. The only time I was half happy was when he was at work. I realised there was no way that I could stay in the marriage forever and that I had to try and do something to make it bearable until I was in a position to leave.

I forced myself to build some life outside the home, I made more effort to catch up with friends, I got a new job that was slightly out of my comfort zone, in general I just made sure I did more. I concentrated on me and the DC. We had always done most things without him anyway (his choice - he would engineer arguments so that we would argue and he would get out of going out with us) so instead of arranging family days out for him to try and ruin, I just arranged them without him. This was key for my sanity. In doing this, I was feeling better, standing up to him and looking happier and brighter than I had in years.

As it was, all those years I had been miserable, he claimed he had not noticed. The minute I emotionally detached completely from the marriage, he noticed. He then did a complete 180 and was trying to be husband/father of the year but it was just too little too late, plus I found it so much more offensive - like he knew exactly how to be a great husband, he had just chosen not to bother for all that time.

Once he realised how bad things were and for how long I had been feeling like it, he packed up and left quietly without any of the major drama I had been expecting. One of my biggest regrets is not doing it so much sooner. The minute he left, it was like a weight being lifted, even though it was hard telling the kids, sorting finances out and all of that, those difficulties were nothing compared to the relief of it being finally over.

Sorry for such a long rambling post, in answer to your question, key thing is to look after you