Coping with chronically disapproving parents

[Missnearlyvintage]

Hi everyone,

I’m 27, all grown up and independent with my own house/ family etc. but I still feel crushed and retiscent about my parents being chronically disapproving of most of the things I am passionate about in my life. This has led to me feeling like I cannot be myself around them, and that I could’ve achieved so much more in my life had I of had their support, or even just neutrality about my life choices.

I love them dearly and I know that they probably just wanted the best for me, and thought they were doing the right things, but they are closed minded, and any attempt to discuss my views has always been swiftly shut down or conversations forgotten almost immediately.

I don’t want to lose the relationship with them, and especially don’t want my DC’s relationship with them to suffer, but it is really starting to upset me now.

I don’t know how to move forward. I would like to be my true self and be happy with that, but I don’t know if I can face anymore disapproval.

I’d really appreciate it if anyone had any advice or suggestions as I just feel stuck at the moment...
Thank you

If they are really loving people that have your best interests at heart, I think you need to have it out with them so that they understand your feelings. If they aren't or react badly, I think you can only reduce contact to a bare minimum...

You can't be yourself in that way with some parents unfortunately.

It's not totally impossible they might come round a bit after talking about it like pog100 says. But going by my own experience, even a lot of that sort of talking from several adult children over a number of years may only make a very marginal difference. Real life doesn't usually work like a film where everyone suddenly bonds warmly after the right conversations are had.

You may need to reconcile yourself to them not being the people you would like them to be. Not an overnight thing - that may be a few years to work itself out.

You are only 27. There is still loads you may be able to achieve in future if you want to, such as getting a second or postgrad degree, career change, travel. Provided you are healthy and have some support with childcare there are loads of options and loads of time for them at your age. 47 year olds going back to work after years as SAHMs do new qualifications and career changes.

What are your parents like if you don't tell them much? If they do not ask many questions actively, and can refrain from being critical provided you ignore certain subjects, it might be possible to have a more distant and superficial relationship with them based on small talk about the weather, TV programmes, how the grandchildren are growing and so forth.

But if they are criticising and badgering you all the time no matter what you say, then low or no contact might end up being the way to go.
After a couple of years or so a surprising amount of stress can lift if you no longer have to deal with unpleasant parents regularly.

Thanks so much for your replies.

DM and DF are lovely to be around if I act in the way they would like and present myself in a way they agree with.

I wanted to be in a creative field career wise, study arts subjects, and my dream was to be a tattoo artist or piercist, even if only part time. I’ve loved everything like that since I was 5 years old.

I was not allowed to study arts subjects at A-level, my DF was dismissive of the university I would’ve liked to study at, (compared with my siblings who had no issue as they wanted to pursue academia at prestigious universities - they were encouraged all the way).

The superficial chat to keep conflict to a minimum in my teenage years meant I had little support and turned to other ways of coping with things I couldn’t tell DM and DF about. I had to cover that all up as well.

It just feels like my life is a bunch of lies with them and it’s draining.

My DM knows I have one tattoo at the moment as I failed to cover it up once (it means wearing half or long sleeves). She has become slightly more relaxed recently and I don’t cover it up around her, but she actively hates it. I’ve always manage to cover it around DF.

I tried to man up a bit recently and tell DM that I still really love tattoos and wanted more in order to be transparent and not hide things. I think talking about tattoos had undercurrents of just talking about my life and who I was really more than the tattoos themselves. DM said that if DF ever found out she would plead ignorance - No further conversation, no words of support, no concluding that this is not a phase after 20 years of my being interested in it and being generally creative.

More recently DM has sniggered whilst making a jibe about someone she doesn’t know personally, that she is heard is trying to train as a tattoo artist. For some reason she decided to speak to me about it during our superficial chat, and was taken aback when I didn’t join in making fun of this person. I just feel it was uneccesary for her to bring it up with me, and showed how different our views are still.

I have developed a tremor in my hands so I couldn’t achieve my dreams now anyway, but it would’ve been nice to try earlier on in life.

You are right re. minimal contact, but I really think my DCs would suffer if I did this as they have a great relationship with my DM and DF and that is the last thing I want to do. The DCs are used to seeing them quite regularly as we only live 15 miles from each other. I don’t want DCs to resent me later in life either, I think I’m quite worried about that. I don’t like letting people down but it feels like it’s all I ever do...

It is not your fault your parents are like this and you did not make them this way. Such people too never change.

No they did not want the best for you nor were they ever truly supportive of you; they wanted to control you and still do this through expressing their disapproval of your life. They are critical parents and still see you somehow as their child and thus incapable. They wanted you to fit a set academic box and you were not built that way, you wanted to do different things. They denied you your choices.

Parents who are control freaks tend to want “everything in its proper place.” They create rigid structures for you and often issue ultimatums if you do not follow instructions to their specifications.

And then, your pushy parents always assume that they know what is best for you. They refuse to consider alternative courses of action and do not give you the freedom to make decisions.

Being perfectionists, your controlling parents may set unrealistic goals for you. Their demands, such as getting perfect scores, are unreasonable and may cause you to feel that you are incapable of doing anything.

You are still very much mired in FOG re your parents; fear, obligation and guilt; those are but three of many damaging legacies they have left you now as an adult. Do read the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages; it could well help you no end too.

I would look again at your boundaries re your parents and further raise these. You already have some physical distance between you and they and now you need to properly apply mental distance too.

Your children will not resent you for further lowering all contact levels with your parents; they have seen you for years now be disrespected by the very two people who were supposed to protect you and love you for the person you are. They were not good parents at all to you when you were growing up and they are not great as grandparent figures now. Children need emotionally healthy role models here and neither of your parents really fit that bill. I would think it a given that they will start on one of your DC as soon as they realise that one of them does not fit a high flying academic mould or is not choosing a career path that they want.

You are your own person and you do not need their approval, not that they would ever give it to you anyway.

Do read "If you had controlling parents" by Dr Dan Neuharth.

Does it really benefit your DC to see your parents? What if your DC don't want to be exactly what their grandparents want them to be? How will your parents react to that?

It sounds like you would benefit from a few years of minimal contact, after which you might feel stronger to deal with them on a surface level with low expectations.

How old are the DC and what are the grandparents like with them? If the kids are still small they may also not notice as much after a while. (Same as younger children are thought to be less affected by divorce and tend to remember less about it happening.)
If it was a 3 or 4 year old I would seriously think about going for low or no contact for a while now, and then you might feel by the time they are say 9 or 10 that you can tolerate your parents a bit better - and at that older age the kids will be acquiring more longer lasting memories anyway.

Usual question but are you able to afford any counselling or therapy? It sounds like you would benefit from support working through this stuff.

It sounds like you feel really bad about it at the moment, e.g. 'it would have been nice to try tattooing when I was younger', versus, 'it wouldn't have worked out anyway because of this hand tremor and I've done things that might be more productive in the long run, and now what can I do to express my artistic inspiration the way things are?'
You need some time to work through your anger and resentment about your parent, and grieve what you haven't done, and eventually get to a point where you feel more able to focus on present possibilities.

My DCs have a fantastic relationship with my parents. Aside from my parents disapproving of most of the things I love, they are very loving , kind and relaxed towards my DCs and don't display any of the behaviours that they display(ed) towards me (though DCs are only 6 and 3). My DCs are very attached to them and ask to see them often, and my DS has, by complete chance, a lot of the same interests as my DF so they get on really really well.

I am on the waiting list for long term CBT through the NHS, (not necessarily for this) and have been told not to partake in any other therapies in tandem to this, so I think I'll wait for this and see how it goes and whether it touches on any of the points I've raised here.

I've weighed up the options given by you all, and your opinions, (thank you very much again), and have decided that given my DC's closeness to my parents, and the fact that my siblings don't seem to have the issues with them that I do, that making a fuss about how I'm feeling or minimising contact at this point would be detrimental for everyone else really, and I don't want to destroy their happiness to create my own.

I think I do need to start looking forward a bit more than looking backwards. It is all very well re-telling these tales of injustice in my head at points, but that isn't going to actually get me anywhere, and certainly won't make me feel any better about it all. At this point I either think that at some point I need to 'come out' to them, for want of a better phrase, and just lay everything on the table in a bold way and say take it or leave it with no real discussion or mention of past events. Or alternatively I need to keep quiet, we all play happy families when we're together, and I accept that I am a multi-faceted person, and not everyone needs to see all of those facets - especially if it will upset or irritate them.

Luckily my DH is very supportive of whatever I do, so I at least have support from him which is amazing, though obviously I don't want to be relying on him to validate my existence...

It's been really good to just to write all of this down and discuss it here, so thank you so much everyone who has read of contributed to this thread, I really appreciate it!

I'd suggest you read something like Toxic Families, hang around the Stately Homes thread, and do push for that therapy. Could you do it via the phone? They offer that in my area with much shorter waiting times.
I would also back off the contact, plenty of happ families have sporadic contact.

My parents interfered in my life after I'd grown up and would sulk if I didn't acquiesce. I wish I'd done something about it when I was your age. I'm now over 40 and they're still at it.

I'm changing my car currently and they're acting peevish because I haven't asked their advice.

They get cross at the notion that I seek emotional support from friends rather than them (they don't really have any friends).

When they disapproved of a relationship I was having (at 33 with a perfectly decent, single man!) they wrote me a letter explaining why. I handed it to them, unread, and told them that it was impertinent. It's the only time I've been that forthright, unfortunately. I've let them get away with far too much. They are overinvested and always convinced that they're right.

Nip it in the bud now, if you can. Start by wearing what you want, even if it reveals your tattoo. Gradually stop telling them personal things.