Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

totally destroyed

17 replies

destroyedbydrink · 06/07/2007 20:20

DH and I have just had a big row and he has walked out and taken DS1 with him.

We have had problems for some time now basically down to him drinking too much. He went out three weeks ago, got drunk, was abusive to me verbally and said things that shouldn't have been said to my Dad. The day after he was full of apologies and promised me that it wouldn't happen again (this was happening on at least a once weekly basis), I told him that I had to put the DC's first and therefore he would have to leave, I don't want them growing up and seeing this. I gave him another go, he agreed to see a counsellor, etc. To cut a long story short, he saw the counsellor, nothing happened. He got drunk again and really showed us up at one of DS's friends birthday parties I told him that this was the final straw and off he went. Again next day he was full of apologies and stupidly I gave him another chance. The thing is I don't think I even love him anymore, I hate him for what he is putting us through but I hate myself more for allowing him to do it. I just swing from trying to keep my family together and being unhappy and wanting him out but feeling outrageously guilty for him not being here for the children. I feel totally gutted, MIL was here as well and DS1 was saying he wanted to go with his Dad, she did nothing to back me up although she knows whats been going on. DS1 then turned around and said he wanted to go aswell, I said no and he said to MIL that before she arrived I had told DH to tell her to go away, I had said nothing of the sort I'm totally not like that. I just feel like my whole world has fallen apart.

OP posts:

maisym · 06/07/2007 20:22

where has he taken your ds1?

Original poster

destroyedbydrink · 06/07/2007 20:23

to MIL's house

OP posts:

maisym · 06/07/2007 20:26

lots of support to you xxx

does your dh know that he has to sort his drink problem out or is he in denial?

Original poster

destroyedbydrink · 06/07/2007 20:30

he does, and when he is sober he will make all the promises on the earth that it will stop, he just doesn't know when enough is enough. I have lied to DS when he has seen that Daddy has wet the bed on may occasions, even this doesn't seem to worry him to do something. I have put up with so much, been shown up so many times in front of family and friends, lied to the kids, lied to myself and I have just stood here and been totally villified as a terrible mother. I don't know what more I could have done to save this marriage, I truly don't. I feel so so alone.

OP posts:

PregnantGrrrl · 06/07/2007 20:31

don't feel guilty about him not being there for the kids- he isn't there for the kids as long he's in this state.

with a problem like this, sometimes you do have to be cruel to be kind, especially when kids are involved. it may be better for all of you if he wasn't there for a while. Could he stay with his mother for a while, and have access to your kids?

the fact that he went to a counsellor shows he's prepared to accept there's a problem, but his behaviour says he's not ready to change.

maisym · 06/07/2007 20:32

don't know what to suggest - hopefully someone will be able to help - will keep this bumped up for you xxx

Original poster

destroyedbydrink · 06/07/2007 20:35

there was a long list for the counsellor but one is a family friend who listened and helped, at GP as when DH told him about the counsellor, GP said he should do that as there is a waiting list. I just feel like it hasn't been done properly and there is no follow-up. DS1 is going to be really upset and I hate him feeling like this, I just don't know what I do I feel so weak and pathetic

OP posts:

PregnantGrrrl · 06/07/2007 20:37

in the long term, i think your DS will feel worse growing up with a pissed Dad, who wets the bed and shouts at you. you're not weak- this kind of situation would drain most women. i really feel for you.

Original poster

destroyedbydrink · 06/07/2007 20:38

he has just tried calling to talk, he spoke and when I answered he shouted over me, he is just shouting 'stand up and be counted for once' I don't know what he means? I don't know why he has it in for me like he does, he's venomous towards me and I don't know why. I look at DS2 here asleep and feel like crying, what have I bought him into

OP posts:

maisym · 06/07/2007 20:40

can you talk to your gp or call the smaritans on this.

maisym · 06/07/2007 20:45

wrinklytum · 06/07/2007 20:47

Oh DBD big hugs xxxxxxxxxx

longandwindingroad · 06/07/2007 20:50

Totally empathise with your situation,I could have written the same post myself.

Don't balme yourself though,not easy I know as I do all the time.
Wondering what I did wrong.

I can not see or speak to DH all day and then he comes home drunk and puts me down and calls me a bad mother
and I am standing there thinking but what have I done wrong,I have'nt seen you all day.

I can only think that like my DH maybe that is there way of taking the focus of there problem and turning it around and saying negative and hurtful things to us.

Like you I hate what DH is putting us through and give him chance after chance.
He has shown us up at parties also.

Did he come home drunk tonight whilst his mother was there?

I know it is difficult but just remember your not a bad mother and you are there for your children, he is not when drunk.

mummytosteven · 06/07/2007 20:51

sorry you are going through this. possibly you could get practical advice and support from Women's Aid?

webcrone · 06/07/2007 20:55

Ring Al-Anon, now. The helpline is open until 10.00pm. There'll be someone on the end of the phone who understands completely.

I was where you're at, many years ago - I was confused, desperate and heartbroken, and in no fir condition to make any kind of decision.

Contacting Al-Anon was the best thing I did

020 7403 0888

purplepoppet · 06/07/2007 22:22

If he has a drink problem, then it certainly is not your fault and you mustn't keep blaming yourself for it. My best friend is now divorced from her husband who is an alcoholic..she spent years blaming herself for his problem, that maybe she put too much pressure on him, maybe she nagged him, etc, etc...she divorced him 7 years ago and not only is he the same as he was when they were married, he is worse and that is nothing to do with her...infact he's 12 year old son is now at a stage where he doesn't want to see him..

I'm probably not helping, but the point I'm making is I think you need to stop feeling guilty about this...there's nothing you can do unless he wants to help himself and it certainly isn't you're fault!

Get some support and try to be very very strong...you need to for your children

purplepoppet · 06/07/2007 22:29

...also, I grew up with an alcoholic father...although he wasn't abusive, it was awful! I could never have friends round, I never knew what state he would arrive home in and I never knew when a major row would kick off with him and my Mum because of it. He would also drinks so much that he wet himself and wet the bed...my Mum had years of this and despite how much she loved him, it wore her down. She never left him and always stood by him, however, it took its toll and I remember as a child I pleaded her to leave him! That's an awful thing for me to admit because I loved my Dad dearly..however, his drinking made my life as a child/teenager desperately, desperately miserable and I still struggle with it to this day

Flip