Advice...

[Iwantanewname]

Name change and going to be a bit vague on some details.
Married 20 yrs this year, 3 older teenagers. OH has own business, I no longer work due to ill health. Home is not straight forward as we have a lot of time consuming commitments-think rural living. Marriage not been great for 8-10yrs tbh. Nothing major, just seem to be co-habiting. OH had a huge business expansion in past 2-3 yrs and although are other partners he has done the bulk of the work and continues to. He is totally single minded in what he does so home has just become a convenient crash pad in between business stuff and his hobby.
I have raised my dissatisfaction with the whole family over home situation (total lack of any support dealing with stuff inside and out and it all falling to me despite the fact I have chronic condition) numerous times over the past few years and ultimately nothing changes. Become resigned to the fact this is it for the foreseeable until all children are all launched.
OH arrives home early, totally stressed and anxious saying he has had a sense of dread for weeks and not slept. I said probably overworking and overcommitted but claims he is apparently worried that the marriage is falling apart and we are drifting apart (caught up at last ). Spoke about it and his one tracked mindedness and he actually said "Well I'm not likely to change" so it was probably over and he could find me a flat in the town to live in and various other stuff. Then went to doctors as this behaviour wasn't him. Came back with blood pressure meds as very high and the doctor saying we should talk. He again said he told the doctor he can't change.
So stress, weepy OH, wanting me to provide a solution!! I query whether this anxiety is because he had something to hide but he denies anything. I say it sounds like you have made the decision already-you can't change so it will lead to the end of the marriage. I am weirdly calm and unperturbed about all of this and feel he is passing responsibility for a solution completely to me as "he can't change". No gushing and wanting to try new things and get it sorted-being completely morose and stressy about how he feels. And now I think-hang the fuck on-I have just carried on having raised my issues with my dissatisfaction numerous times over probably 5/6 years and non of the family have paid any heed. So I find it hard to be sympathetic to this hysteria now as I feel I have been undervalued for years. (Classic phrase often used is "I have to work" to justify any homebased cop outs.) Work and hobby (which involves travel) always come first. Days off booked for hobby but can't get him to a parents' evening. Work night out still attended after I'd had an op and GA leaving kids as responsible person keeping an eye on me. (Just examples)
Feel a bit of a fraud posting because no serious issues-drugs/violence/money issues etc. But just feel justified in thinking-WTF-the penny has finally dropped and now it's all on me to sort it out because you're so hysterical and "can't change". Am I? Or should I being trying hard to rebuild this marriage and stop feeling like a stone cold bitch?

You're not a stone cold bitch.

He's a crap husband - and father by the sound of it.

It looks like he's up to no good - sorry. He's a workaholic btw. Also selfish - but then, addicts are selfish, it's the nature of the beast.

Do you have access to bank accounts etc? Please say yes. If he's self-employed you might have a hell of a job getting a fair settlement should you split.

He is working long hours and has dangerously high blood pressure.
You aren't working, but don't want total responsibility for the home and children due to a chronic illness. It isn't a competition. Neither of you sound happy. 'The marriage' isn't a thing you are lumbered with and can resurrect.
Discuss how to split and go your amicable separate ways.
Can you support yourself?

Thanks for replies. Been talking on and off over past few days. He wonders if he is having a bit of a midlife crisis and worrying about mortality (one of his parents died when he was younger than our eldest). Can't apparently function at home and is woe is me all the time but still managing work, additional presentation, work calls, been in to work again on day off, missed all bar 5 mins of parents evening... He wanted to do stuff today together-home based outside work plus join me with something community based as was getting involved with this afternoon so I have planned around that and now he is off elsewhere (I know where) having been in work. So it appears the major panic is over and it's back to normal. Yes I have access to accounts. No I couldn't easily support myself as chronic illness not really compatible with full time job, although I'm not frivolous with spending. Just feel like I am an accessory to it all with no relevance to the decisions he makes on a day to day basis. He's had a major melt down, we've talked about stuff, nothing has altered in his approach to homelife and marriage. He seems to want me to go "there, there, stop stressing, it's all OK" and carry on as normal. (blood pressure thing may be bit of a red herring as he gets white coat syndrome-had to do a week's monitoring of bp last year as was extremely high in a medical but at home was within normal range for all of 14 readings). Yes, he is working long hours but by choice-the business did not need to expand, it is solid and secure and providing more than adequately for all involved. The addict description is interesting.

Could there be a so far unmentioned reason he is so distant from family life +commitments?
Ow perhaps?

I did ask him as he was so keen to get me a flat and had apparently been feeling "terrible for so many months". I would be surprised as that's not really his style but he has been on lots of work related nights out as staff numbers have expanded so it is possible something could have happened in a drunken stupor. But he's said no and had the opportunity to own up. Needless to say if there had been any kind of indiscretion that would definitely be end of marriage upon me learning of it.

Why on earth would you move into a flat in town?

If I were you, I'd stay put - he goes into a flat. (Unless there's a physical reason why a flat would actually improve your life and you want that). But otherwise, you've been married 20 years, you have contributed to the household with your efforts over the years, no bloody way should you be packed off into a flat.

Get proper independent legal advice and don't agree to a thing in the meantime.

Because as described in first post we don't have a typical family home-think acres and livestock. It was both of ours dream but reality is lots of graft which has all fallen to me. In the past I have sat family down on multiple occasions and said I can't do it all single handedly because some days I struggled to do the bare minimum. And they all want to stay and will help blah blah but it always falls by the wayside. So leaving the home would relieve some pressure. But he has no clue how much time is involved doing home stuff and kids so is not practical. Have just actually had all this out with him as has come back from friend who has said they are worried something is wrong with him and lots of friends apparently are... but no one notices the accessory partner who has been fucked off for years about life?! Asked what all the money drive was actually for as we don't need more and his answer was for his hobby (in retirement). So that sums it up really. It's all about him. He's an only child and never lost the characteristics of thinking about him first. So ball is in his court to change. My priorities are my kids and animals. If his can't align and he wants to stay married it's going to be tough shit.

You should still get legal advice before moving out.

How does he propose to manage your current property if you weren't there, is he intending to sell up, pay for help? Planning to move someone else in? Where are the dc going to be?

What are you trying to salvage here? As a couple or individuals. It sounds like two people inhabiting the same sphere and that’s it. Why don’t you both decide what you want in the next stage of your life. The kids will be making their own way in life soon. Let them go but at least use the next few years as a better example of adult life.

Start thinking about practical things. Where you will live and what income you need for life in if you can’t work.