Please help me not to go back to him

[Bellabear1012]

Please be kind - I really need some willpower as I'm feeling so low

Brief background I was married to an abusive man who cheated on me loads and got physical on a few occasions. I finally left him and met my now DP who was there for the start of my divorce. My XH harrassed me and at one point attacked me when he found out I had moved on and my DP was always there for me so I guess I gave him a bit of a hero complex and that's why I've stuck around despite his bad behaviour.

When I was 33 weeks pg I snooped on my DP's facebook (wrong I know but I had my suspicions mixed in with hormones I wasn't in the most sane mindset) and found messages to his friends slating me to shreds over an argument we had (these messages were sent before we knew I was pregnant) but they were really hurtful calling me a cunt, saying I have anger issues and need anger management. This was because he went on a night out while working away and completely fell of the face of the earth for a whole night. He rejected my calls, didn't answer my texts even though he was active on Facebook this really upset me as this was the kind of thing my XH would do when he was with OW which has been explained to him before so I did lose my temper just a little bit I suppose.

Anyway, I couldn't stop myself from scrolling up and I also saw a message saying he paid for an escort when he was on holiday 3 months before we met. We had previously had discussions around escorts before where I told him how much I hated men who used them as I believe nobody should have the right to buy someones body and to me seems like rape. He was bragging so much to his friends about how much he pulled on that holiday also which really surprised me as in person he likes to portray that he is a gentleman and all round nice guy.

There has been loads of other things but they are small in comparison to these issues and now I have DD with him who is now 11 weeks old my self esteem is so low and I feel for my own sanity I need to leave but he always talks me round because he knows I am scared of being alone with a new baby.

I don't have much RL support. I know I want to leave I just need to know I'm not mad for doing so? or am I?

Just realised I've missed out loads as I'm rather upset right now, we have been arguing flat out since DD was born as I have had enough of other things he does. For example, he likes girls pictures on social media (not normally a problem) but these pictures are always when they are in underwear or bikinis and he only stopped when I had a row with him and asked him how he'd like it if I liked photos of half naked men with rippling 6 packs day in, day out. He also went off sex with me when I was pg but even since then it's not been good and I caught him looking at porn one day when he knew I was desperate for some intimacy and was only in the next room! Theres a few more things but he does loads of things that just bring my self esteem right down

You are not mad. That would be the wisest decision you could ever make. All of the above, that he has been doing, is so wrong. He had no respect for you. I can tell you one thing, it’s so easy to find an abusive man when you have been with one. Just because your current partner is not as bad as your ex, does not mean he is a good one. Regardless of if you checked his fb or not. His actions spell out a complete lack of respect for women in general. He is now responsible, and you, for a beautiful little dd, show her the love and respect she should get by setting an example. He will talk you round, promise you things will change and then turn it round on you. And the abuse wheel goes round and round.

If you were your daughter in 28 years time, and she told you what you have just written, what would you advise her?

Regardless of if you checked his fb or not. His actions spell out a complete lack of respect for women in general. He is now responsible, and you, for a beautiful little dd
Agreed. And also responsible for showing her how women should be treated, and what is OK. She doesn't need to see his disrespect towards you and women in general.
You and her both deserve more than that.

Lots of these types of men come swooping in to rescue you when you've left a bad relationship, and then go on to act like dicks later on whilst expecting you to be grateful for them.

He's already knocked your self esteem, don't let him knock it so badly that you begin to just accept all of this without question. Don't let him take anymore from you.

You should end it because his behaviour is more than wrong. You have just had a baby and he's treating you like this. He's supposed to be there for both of you.He's not right for you or any woman. Don't let fear of being on your own hold you back from staying in this abusive relationship.Contact women's aid for support and get out safely in case he turns nasty. Of course he will try to talk you into staying but there's no point..he just wants to treat you like crap to boost his ego and for you to keep on accepting it.

Sorry.. I meant to say.. He's Not right for you or any woman.. Apologies x

I know you are all right

I don't even think it's fear of being my own now it's that I can't see a light at the end of the tunnel.

We privately rent, tenancy in both of our names, I earn about 22k a year so take home around 1500 per month and after ive paid rent, council tax and childcare and essential bills it leaves me with pretty much nothing and that would only be if I could get him to leave!

Does anyone have any advice or been in a similar situation and let me know how you managed? I live in Glasgow if that makes any difference (I know the rules may be different in England) I just want the best for my little girl she doesn't deserve the same crappy upbringing I had

You could apply for help towards your rent and council tax if you will find it difficult to make ends meet. You will get a single person's discount anyway for council tax if you will be the only adult in the house. See how you can take his name off the tenancy. Speak to womens aid..

He’s sounds awful, call women’s aid, run and don’t look back...

Go on www.entitledto.co.uk/ and work out how much help you could be due, if you were single.

I'm sorry you're going through this, OP.

He sounds exactly like my recent ex. I left with our 3 month old DD due to him chasing other women via social media - he had no respect for my feelings. We only had sex about 6 times since DD was conceived to when I left - it was heart breaking for me. Despite loving him with all my heart, I had to leave. Luckily for me, I was able to move in with my dad and will eventually move out once I get back to work.

It's the best thing I could've done as the dark clouds and heavy weight has been lifted. No more paranoia, no more feeling like crap about myself, no more lies from him. It's a shame as we were a perfect match in many ways, but he just couldn't give the same love and devotion and respect I gave to him. He did love me, but he also loved the thrill of other women. Don't get me wrong, I still love him and miss him, but my mental health and self esteem have improved greatly. My DD doesn't need a miserable mummy.

What I will say is that the first 3 months after childbirth are the hardest. Part of me feels to advise staying with him until your little one is a few months old so you can have support from him, it just depends how much you feel you can cope with.