Feeling guilt and shame.

[Ice505]

Hello,

First of all, thank you for reading this post. Please bear with me and I will try to keep it as concise as possible.

I have a friend called Ash (not his real name) who I met in college and who I have known for 10 years now. During that time we had always been just friends and kept in general contact with each other, he had had various girlfriends and I had had a boyfriend throughout the time we've known each other. We had periods of keeping in contact, or not speaking for months or probably even a year at a time.

We now live in different parts of the country but still kept in contact on friendly terms. He has been in a relationship with his gf for roughly 5 years now. I had been single since 2015. In 2017 he started being very flirty with me via online messages and started suggesting sexual things towards me and generally giving me the "green light". I had moved away from family friends etc at the end of 2015 to a new area for a job and was single and pretty depressed with life, my new job was stressful. I was lonely and had no other "interest" on the table at the time (i have no children, never been married) and so, in the knowledge that he had a gf, I gave him the green light back (a decision which I now really regret, what was I even thinking?!) For over a year or so we "sexted" every so often via online messages a handful of times, at most, in between day to day friendly chat. Sometimes we would chat every day sometimes we would go a few weeks without contact.

We met for lunch once but nothing happened and we didn't discuss the "sexting" or anything sexual at all during our lunch, the chat was just as normal friends. Via online message we had discussed meeting for sex a few times, but in the end we both couldn't go through with it, but we continued to sext every so often. Just to make it clear, nothing physical has ever happened between us. I never wanted a relationship with him, for me it was never emotional, it was purely because, I guess, I was craving attention. At the time I knew what we were doing was wrong. He told me his gf (who i've never met) and him were having a rough time and he wasnt enjoying being with her, they weren't having sex, going through a rough patch and he had spoken about breaking up with her etc. But after a while it became clear he wanted to stay with her which didn't bother me, because, as I said I didn't want anything to develop. After a year or so I could feel that I wanted to put a stop to it as I felt the whole exercise was pointless and I knew that I couldn't go through with being physical with him and I didn't want anything to develop anyway. I wanted to bring it to an end, but, I felt like he might retaliate in some weird way.

I have been on and off tinder many times since around 2016.

Last year (2018) I "met" a man on the dating app, John, and we started to go on a few dates. At this point the last time I had "sexted" with Ash was a fews weeks before "matching" with and starting to talk to John on tinder. At first I wasn't entirely sure I wanted to proceed with dating John, but after the 3rd date I felt like I wanted to keep seeing him and see where it went.

Even though no sexting had taken place between me and Ash for a while (since before I matched with John), I decided to bascially clear the air with Ash and tell him Ash I was now dating someone, I wanted to see where it would go, and I wanted to just bring a close to our "arrangement" and go back to being just normal friends. I didn't want Ash thinking he could just keep sexting me, and so I put a stop to it.

Ash was very understanding and accepted the position. He told me he had no hidden intentions and that it "wasn't serious anyway". Afterwards Ash and I kept in contact but since then I have been beginning to distance myself from him, as I don't really want contact with him anymore. The whole experience has tainted my view of him (and myself) and I dont want him as a friend anymore to be honest.

I continued to see/date John and a few weeks ago, after dating for about 3 months or so, we made our relationship "official".

I recently had a conversation with John about some of our past crushes, dates, general experiences, relationships etc. but I decided not to tell him about Ash as 1) pretty much nearly all of what happened with Ash had happened before I even knew John (aka essentially nothing had happened between Ash and I, I just hadn't officially ended it) 2) I put a stop to the Ash thing after my 3rd date with John, and before I really knew I wanted to proceed with John and 3) it's embarrassing and I feel guilty and ashamed and dreadful about what I did due to Ash having a girlfriend and it's not something I am proud of or really want anyone to know about. Ash is now engaged to his gf.

I feel that if I tell John about the Ash thing he will think less of me, lose trust in me and end our relationship and I don't want that (but maybe I deserve it? But then again... how far down the line in relationship world do you need to "fess up" to this sort of thing? e.g. what if this had happend 5 years ago? If you keep fessing up to every new relationship you have, surely you will get no where?)

As we met on tinder, John was accepting of the idea that I may have been speaking with other men at the time we were dating, and he said that he actually thought he was just "one of many other men" I would be talking to (which I wasn't). I told him I wasn't speaking to any other men on tinder and I even showed him my tinder account messages (he didnt ask to see, i offered this information up to him as a way of showing him that i was open and honest).

I know that by telling this story I am opening myself up to being judged and trust me, I'm feeling very ashamed first of all for even sexting Ash knowing he has a gf and now one can make me feel even more crap about it than me, but second of all for not "coming clean" to John about it, even though it was all pretty much before he came on the scene. I feel like it reflects badly on me as a person, and I feel really terrible as a person. I now feel like i don't deserve happiness, and I need to let John know what kind of person I am so he can decide if he wants to be with me or not. But, in saying that, I know deep down that I am a good and kind person and I always try to be honest as much as possible. I know I will also NEVER do anything like this ever again and I am trying to come to terms with why I even did it in the first place to be honest.

Originally after I had "cleared the air" with Ash, I forgot about it and just went on to enjoy spending time with John, and at first I was happy that I had done the right thing and didn't give the Ash thing a second thought, as I didnt think it was relevant and it was now at an end. But this recent chat with John about previous experiences has just brought it all rushing back to me and now I'm wondering if I should bring it up with john for the sake of transparency and risk losing this great new exciting relationship I have with him. This chat about past experiences has kind of activated a sort of "delayed reaction" to the guilt and shame from the fling with Ash.

Prior to all of this I had had one relationship with someone for 3 years and was 100% faithful to him. The idea of even looking at another person while I was in my previous relationship horrified me (I know this makes me a hypocrite) I am disappointed in myself and its not the person I am.

If you were in this situation what would you do? Tell John and risk this great new relationship knowing that your past actions are not the person you are? Don't tell and move on and enjoy relationship?

Thank you for reading (and sorry for the long message).

I don't think you need to tell John. There was no overlap.
Enjoy your new relationship!

I would block and delete Ash completely. Don't need to tell your current as there is nothing to tell. You do need to deal with your guilt/feelings and move on with your life hth

I agree there is no need to tell John, you weren’t with him at the time. And you should stop feeling so guilty about sexting Ash - he was the one with the girlfriend. No, it wasn’t great thing to do but it’s over and despite having opportunity you didn’t do any physical. It’s in the past, stop fretting and enjoy your new relationship with John

End all contact with Ash. Block / delete & forget about it. Don't think about him anymore or what went on between you. Just leave it as some dodgy messaging at a low point in your life. Now move forward with the new fella and don't put too much emphasis on the past.

You are WAY overthinking this. Just block and delete Ash and forget it.

You don’t have anything to confess, you haven’t done anything wrong. Just delete the Ash guy and be happy.

You’re being very dramatic- stop going on about previous relationships. It has no baring on your relationship with this man.

Please stop obsessing. You have done nothing to been ashamed or embarrassed about. It's all just a bit dramatic. You haven't betrayed John in any way and owes nothing to Ash. Delete him and get on with your life.

You're definitely overthinking this. You really don't need to tell John anything.

Block and delete Ash from everywhere possible.

Thank you everyone for your replies and messages, I appreciate you taking the time to read my message, especially how long it was.

I think I definitely needed to be told that I am being dramatic and to stop obsessing, because that's what I feel like I've been doing. Reading your messages has sort of scraped me off the ceiling, as I think I was right up there. I like to be as honest and fair as I can in all aspects of life, made a mistake, which seemed to last a while, and so I was having an internal dilemma over this whole thing, about whether there was an overlap, whether I had lied etc. feeling like I needed to repent etc.

Re deleting/blocking Ash, I definitely agree I 100% need to do this. The only issue is that in recent years he has told me some.... concerning stories about how he has gotten revenge on people at his work who have upset him, or crossed him at work (think there may be a mental imbalance somewhere), some of the stuff shocked me. I feel scared to completely block and delete him for fear that he will retaliate or start throwing abuse at me publicly, or my new BF. I have decided to shut down communication, he has messaged me this week (friendly message) and I have completely ignored it. The last few messages (friendly messages) which I have replied to I have only given minimal responses to. I have changed my settings on Facebook to restrict what he sees of me/my profile, and what I see of him, have unfollowed him on Instagram, I would like to just block/ delete him straight away, but I feel like there is a risk in doing that.

You are being a bit dramatic, and remember, one person’s dramatic and emotional backstory is another’s “oh yeah, you told me about that guy once”. Nothing more deflating to one’s own sense of inner importance than pouring out a story like this to someone only to find a few months later they’ve forgotten all about it!

It’s in the past. Learn your lessons from it and move on. We’ve all done stupid stuff we maybe shouldn’t have. I try not to regret those things - they got me where I am today. But there’s no need to rake it all up either. And don’t read too many posts on MN about women who dare talk to men with girlfriends either! Some people are nuts about that sort of thing. Most normal people aren’t quite so rabid.

That last message could also be slightly over dramatic.....

I meant that last message of mine haha....

If you’re ignoring him anyway, why not just block? He has more to lose than you by revealing anything.

Ok, you didn’t tell john but there was also no overlap so it’s not like you cheated! I’d block and move on. He’s clearly not a decent friend!

I kept waiting for the big dirty bad punchline in your OP ... there isn't one

Enjoy new guy, ditch old guy (that wasn't your guy anyway) and stop being horrible to yourself. Life is too short for it.

Don't tell new guy about it. Sometimes I think women feel they gave to fees up everything they've ever done in their lives from pinching someone's Barbie doll aged 3 to that one night stand they had on holiday; but you DON'T.

It's not necessary, and it's counter productive. Stem the verbal diarrhea. You can have a good relationship with someone without telling them every tiny thing, it's not dishonest, its realistic and discrete.yiurd entitled to some privacy, you're entitled to your own mind, past, learning experiences etc.

Sane with the 'i showed him my tinder message history' - no! Why?

It's dysfunctional. You don't need to prostrate yourself to show you're honest and sincere, it's also making yourself really vulnerable to controlling, crazy behaviour.

*have to fess up

give yourself a break ffs

go enjoy your lovely new bloke

Sounds like ash has a hell of a lot to lose if he caused you trouble now. Enjoy your relationship and let history stay in the past

Sorry for the disappointing read @SeeYouLaterUserData haha.

I think I've maybe blown this whole thing out of proportion. I generally like to hold myself to a high standard of morals and honesty (although I know a lot of people may not think that to be the case given my OP story), and I think that's why I'm having such a hard time dealing with this.

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to reply.

Agree with pp's - no need to tell new guy what youve done before. I have done all sorts I'm not proud of, and havent told my dp any of it - its not relevant to our relationship, nor do I know any of his sexual history.

Id say it's worth looking at your feelings of guilt and shame around it all, no need to explain it here but just for learning more about yourself.

And enjoy new guy!

I agree with pp's that you are overthinking OP. You are full to the brim of shame. As someone with a history of this sort of thing, I would suggest the following:

1. Go easier on yourself! What you did wasn't brilliant (ie the gf) but it was 50% him and he was the one in the relationship. Everyone's done stupid things when they were younger and you saw sense to not take it any further. Your self talk is really negative....

2... which leads me to point 2. Not in a judgemental way but I think you would benefit from considering where your huge sense of shame comes from. It's normal to feel guilt over things- guilt is a healthy emotion which helps us correct our behaviour - but shame us more often than not completely unhelpful and is usually programmed into us from somewhere / someone else (eg church, parents, teachers, etc). You are beating yourself up too much OP and not being kind to yourself. It might be a question which opens up other thoughts that could just possibly be helpful. Renee Brown does and excellent TED talk on Shame. and you can read other stuff online about Toxic Shame if it helps.

1. Thirdly, the one small area I disagree with pp's on is telling John. To be clear, I do NOT think you should tell him because of your shame, or because you think you've behaved badly and "owe" him this. You haven't, and as everyone's already said, you were single and John has no rights over anything you did before your relationship with him. However, once you have dealt with your shameful feelings (and hopefully binned them) then I think it would make sense to tell him, in a very lighthearted way, and allow yourself to be vulnerable with him. Eg "look I was a bit daft the other day and I didn't mention this because I was a bit embarrassed. But I've thought about it and I know I've got nothing to be embarrassed about, and yeah there was this one other silly relationship I had..."

I'm sure if he's the real deal he'll appreciate your honesty, give you a cuddle, agree how daft you are, and you will both feel closer in the end having opened up.

Good luck xx

@Ice, you actively drew a line under Ash when you ended your arrangement with him before moving on with John. Don’t recross the boundary by giving any more energy and headspace to that history.

Forgive yourself and vow to never make such a choice again. Ruminating will not benefit your life and can only block authentic intimacy with John.

How are overthinking this to this extent but thought nothing of sexting with someone who has a gf and has previous for ‘getting revenge’.

Id be more concerned about why you feel the guilt and shame.