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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dating after my husband left me 8 months ago..

10 replies

Missbee90 · 27/02/2019 15:57

Hi All,

Have posted on here a few times and received so many words of wisdom, I don’t really know what I’m looking for but perhaps people who have been in a similar situation and can offer some advice or experiences?

I’m 28, no children .. long story short my STBXH left me in July.. no warning whatsoever he just got in to bed with me and told me he didn’t love me anymore after a year of marriage and 11 years together, last year was hell but I’ve spent 2019 working on myself and I’m slowly finding myself again. I’ve bought him out of the house we shared and redecorated and feel happy here, the divorce is in progress but due to stupidly long backlogs it won’t be complete until the summer.

I’ve recently started dating someone (Been speaking for a while but been going out on dates since the new year) So far he seems lovely.. perhaps too lovely. He is the opposite to by STBXH in every way (Thoughtful, generous, family orientated to name a few!) He’s fully aware of my situation and has been nothing but patient and supportive but there is just something that is making me doubt things and I cannot for the life of me work out what it is. I know I’m not ready to be in a fully fledged relationship but I do like this guy and so far the slow and steady approach is working for us both... I just worry I should feel more for him by now, I’m not in love and I can quite easily go a week without seeing him .. is this normal!? Am I just protecting myself due to the hurt my STBXH caused me?

I’m not pining for him back, he moved on 8 weeks after leaving and although it still hurts, I don’t want him back and I’d never ever forgive him for what he’s put me through.

So why can’t I just let myself be happy and enjoy this? Why do I feel like I’m constantly testing this poor guy and waiting for him to fail? I’m not that person and I don’t like it

Thanks in advance for reading xx

OP posts:
Dieu · 27/02/2019 16:54

It really is too soon, and I can't help but think that this is unfair on the new bloke. He sounds in a good place, emotionally speaking, for a relationship whereas you do not.

Yes, you have moved on physically, but I suspect there is some unprocessed emotional stuff going on for you. And this will hold you back and affect future relationships if unresolved.

ThanksWineCake

PinkGlitter123 · 27/02/2019 19:59

Agree with Dieu. Even if you are over your ex, a marriage breakdown and divorce takes a huge toll and takes a long time to get over. I think you need to heal yourself first before getting into anything else. It wouldn't be fair on you or the new guy.

crappyday2018 · 27/02/2019 20:27

8 months is no time at all. You should have been working on yourself for a lot longer before letting someone else into your life. I suspect he likes you more than you do him.

PinkGlitter123 · 27/02/2019 20:39

Interesting to see the comparison with my thread. People were saying it was good my brother had moved on but here they are saying different. Not a criticism but simply an observation.

Don't underestimate the impact of a marriage separation. You don't just get over it.

Original poster
Missbee90 · 27/02/2019 21:34

Thanks all, perhaps it is to soon, I don’t know. He really does make me smile.. argh I don’t know x

OP posts:
PinkGlitter123 · 27/02/2019 21:43

If he is right for you he will allow you time to be alone for a while and heal.
Nobody can heal you, it has to come from you and from what you have said, I don't think emotionally you are ready. That doesnt mean you will never be but for now, it is very soon and you are not in the right headspace.

inlectorecumbit · 27/02/2019 22:20

No one can tel you if it is too soon or not.
Keep it light, keep it simple, if he makes you laugh for a wee while or a lifetime it doesn't really matter right now,
Take it slow---what will be will be.
Flowers

PinkGlitter123 · 27/02/2019 22:26

It will matter to the guy though. Not trying to be rude but looking at this from a balanced viewpoint. It is t just OP's feelings that need to be considered here.

Original poster
Missbee90 · 28/02/2019 07:06

No totally makes sense @pinkglitter123 and I’ve been very open and honest with the new guy about my worries from the start but he has insisted he is happy with a snails pace but perhaps he’s just saying that as he would rather something than nothing, I don’t want to hurt anyone that’s not me at all.. I’ll speak to him over the next few days and see where it goes from there.

Thank you all again for your comments x

OP posts:
PinkGlitter123 · 28/02/2019 07:32

Glad you have taken it the way I intended it to come across. I just wanted to give a balanced answer.

Take good care x

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