F Buddy - What are the Rules? With an Ex is a BAD IDEA??

[sheryl77]

Desperately need some advice please. I met my ex from 17 years ago (We were together for four years) back in August and we ended up having sex (I’m currently going through a divorce). He’s blown so hot and cold on the times I’ve seen him I just don’t know what to make out of it.

I’ve seen him three times since since August as he goes back and forth between UK and Italy.

Last time we met, he asked before he came over if he could spend the night at my place. I agreed and we had an amazing evening together. He reached out to me in terms of being intimate (spooning, putting my hand on his heart whilst cuddling etc) and I felt like there was something there.

The next day he said ‘see you soon’ and I texted him to say thanks for the night, he immediately responded and then was joking with me about things we’d said the previous night. 4 days later I got in touch with him as wanted to ask a favour and he was just very to the point.

I haven’t heard from him since and it’s been two and a half weeks.

We both said just fun, no commitment. However, I feel like I need communication with him in between us meeting as otherwise I end up feeling used.

I don’t want a relationship and I don’t want him but I’m just not that au fait with F buddy relationships.

I don’t want to be his ‘UK shag when he comes into town, but that’s what I think I am now and not sure I’m comfortable with it.

If I reached out to him he’d respond but I just feel it’s a bit one sided, but I know he had a good night as I did (not just sexually, but as two people that enjoy each others company).

I know he’s seeing other people, I made out like I was too, but I’m not. Im just going through a divorce and not ready to date and def not ready to be with anyone else intimately.

What to do? Should I get out?

Because of the way he behaves, I have no idea what to expect and I haven’t done this before!

I think he maybe testing me to see if I have feelings. I like him, but not for a relationship.

Please help with any advice.

Thank you :-(

If you want my honest opinion, from what little I’ve read, I don’t think you are cut out for F Buddy type relationships. I’d wait until you are ready to date and then dip your toe in properly. He clearly has zero feelings for you but I’m not sure on your side

First rule of a FB situation. NEVER EVER EVER spend the night. EVER.

Re-arrange the netflix menu by all means, but leave immediately afterwards.

Above all "no talkie after fuckie". EVER.

It sounds like you're more interested in him emotionally than he is in you tbh. If you want to have casual sex with him that's fine, but be aware that's what it is and for it to be working you shouldn't really be thinking much about him between evenings of fun.

You are putting WAAAAAAY too much emotional energy into this.

He has been honest and said he's only interested in FWB. You have been dishonest, and said the same.

You need a relationship. He doesn't. You're not suited. Get out now before your feelings get even stronger!

The thing is HE asked me to stay the night! I didn't really want him to but agreed...Maybe I'm not cut out for this...

I've not been dishonest because I really don't want a relationship. Been in a horrible relationship for 15 years and I'm not ready.

I think I'm just scared to get hurt because I do feel used and the fact he hasn't contacted me doesn't make me feel good. I have no space for emotional stuff as the divorce is taking it out of me.

I really don't think I have feelings, I guess I like him, but not for boyfriend material, I just like having him around as he's fun, makes me laugh and we have amazing sex.

What bothers me is him not contacting me.

I really, really truly honestly do not want a relationship with my ex, but I do think about him. I don't know if its about him or because its my first 'encounter' since my husband.

I'm so confused.

Should I text him to say i can't see him anymore or just leave it until he contacts me? Do you think he thinks I've caught the feels? The thing is it was both of us being intimate outside of sex, not just me. He initiated the cuddling, sleeping over, etc....

Od leave it till be contacts you, unless you are going to obsess about when heCwill contact you.

I'd clock it up to a bit of nostalgia and move on. You are not on the same page.

I had one once, a single dad at my daughters school. All kept very separate and the rules were discussed prior to starting any intimacy.
He didn’t stay over, we might watch a movie occasionally but no excessive texting etc.
Out of the blue he announced he thought he was falling in love with me. I ended it immediately.
My one and only foray into fwb. We are still friends but I am very wary of being anything more than polite.
It’s dangerous territory as far as I’m concerned. For now I’ll just keep amusing myself
I think it’s too soon and you are way too emotionally involved. You need to have a certain detachment. Not everyone can do it.

Text and say this is not working for you. It's the truth. You want/need more than he is prepared to give. It's not making you feel good. It's not working out.

I don’t understand why you feel the need for so much contact if you’re not emotionally invested? The whole point of fwb is to have sex without all that stress.

I think its a good distraction when we are in touch. I think I understand now when you hook up, theres no texting involved is there.

I feel like he broke the rules by staying over and initiating intimacy and now he's running scared (or doesn't give a damn).

After my divorce, I really don't want to get close to anyone and I know he's not emotionally available either after being hurt badly, so I think it does work I just need to change my mindset on it.

We used to have a lot more contact a few months ago - sexting and talking about each other lives, what we were doing etc but thats all stopped.

Ill just take it for what it is and get on with my life. Thats the whole point, isn't it..

I just realised, I think its because I'm lonely. I only moved out from my martial home a few weeks ago.

He did say I needed a break but I wouldn't listen...More fool me hey.

Its complicated because he was the first person I was with after my husband (well to be honest, when I knew my marriage was over, we met). He was my last ex before my husband..

Honestly, I gave him stress months ago and he still came back..It's like we can't stay away from each other even when we know its a bad idea.

You're getting (or at least wanting to) too attached no matter how much you're trying to deny it.

"We can't seem to stay away from eachother"

"I gave him stress and he still came back"

"I felt like there was something there"

"I feel used"

And so many more.

Do those really sound like the words of someone who doesn't want to be attached? Who are you trying to convince..us or yourself?

Sounds like you're already in too deep, there's only heartbreak if you keep this going. Either fuck buddy relationships aren't for you, or just not with him. Either way, it's time to move on.

As I said, I am confused....I don't want to be attached but probably I am! I need to detach myself.

The radio silence from him probably means he's moved on anyway.

I need to learn not to expect anything from anyone and I not getting invested in things that were here to perhaps teach me a lesson or guide me onto a different path (yes, Im spiritual!).

Focus on me and the rest will follow.

I've never been able to just fuck..I just had bad experience with my marriage and said I'd never get close to anyone again so Im preempting what could happen as I felt close to him last time we met. Call me crazy as I know us women can read things incorrectly, but I am sure there is something there and I really don't think it was just me.

My mind isn't clear enough to be in anything right now, thats for sure.