Talking to children about divorce

[Bluemascara4]

Hi,

I've posted recently in divorce/separation but post for traffic.

I've told H I want to file for divorce and he hasn't really said anything ( maybe the calm before the storm). He's still massively in denial .

He still wants to go on holiday ' as a companion '

My question is ..... what do I tell DS ( aged 7) ???

Wait until your husband or you have arranged the other house and are within a few weeks of a definite move. I.e. wait until the charge is actually about to affect their day to day life. Make the chat matter of fact, emphasize that you and daddy are still friends but you don't want to be married any more. Make it clear what the arrangements are for contact and answer the questions he might ask but only the questions he asks. It's easy to go on a rambly answer and end up loading them with too much information. Give them the answers they ask for and then space to digest.

There's no sense telling them at the moment, if nothing's really changed at this time for them, and if you're living and holidaying together.

Thank you for replying .

We haven't had a physical relationship and slept in separate rooms for last 7 years . So it's not like DS will know any different.

I'm trying to get out of the holiday.

I'm a shite mother for pretending this is a normal relationship

You're not a shite mother.

The key messages about talking to kids about divorce are -

Be prepared to answer questions about living arrangements and contact.

No blame or conflict - keep adult stuff between the adults.

Lots of reassurance that they are still loved and they are not in any way to blame.

In general try to keep things as amicable/civil as possible. Christina McGhee's book Parenting Apart is good pin ways separation can affect children at their various stages of development and what you can do to support them.

Pin = at describing

Thank you ...... H is in total denial at the moment.

Yes I remember the denial stage even though the situation was intolerable and couldn't go on. For a time he wanted to hug and kiss and hold hands all the time which was excrutiating after being neglected physically for so long - it was like being touched by a brother.

After a while he did come to terms with it - and I'll warn you, perhaps inevitably that's when my X became cold and defensive. Absolutely his right but it was a shock for me then to realise that "amicable" was going to be somewhat more clinical than chummy, as I'd thought.

There's a grief at the end of a marriage and it can manifest in a spectrum of ways. Brighter times ahead for both of you, hopefully. It's really really hard to separate and good luck OP x

Conniston- thank you .

H is like a needy child . If DS and I are off somewhere then H can't get his shoes on quick enough " daddy come too"

I think it will hit when he receives the letter from court / solicitor.

It's a stressful time to say the least .

When the MiL finds out .... that's when everything will kick off .

Yup, and a narrative may well begin that will diverge from your interpretation of events. You may be painted as unstable, neurotic etc or faux concern that you are depressed and unwell. OK I am projecting a little just stick to your guns, be pleasant and don't get drawn into any dramas because they'll happen anyway and those who know and love you won't care.

Yes I'm prepared for the depressed / stress card to be thrown .

I'm where you are OP, although a little further down the line. STBEXH can't move out for another few months, no money for deposit, we have told the DCs though as I wanted to give them time to get used to it and I didn't like lying as they kept asking about holidays. I've refused to do any family stuff now. H seems to think we can all go out, I think this sends mixed messages and he just doesn't want to accept it. Ive already filed for divorce, papers have now gone off to the court.

He said nothing when I first told him and I genuinely thought he was just relieved too, it's been wrong for a while and I told him 6 months before I wasn't happy and we even discussed then how the split would happen. Yet he did nothing to start saving so we're stuck living together for now. He's also stressed and depressed. Been to GP, on meds, going to attend CBT and a stress management group. Never put so much effort into something!

DCs took it hard at first. But youngest is very matter of fact about it and I don't think will be overly concerned. Eldest has taken it harder and is struggling more. I've spoken to the school and there is support there if he needs it. I've also encouraged him to talk to his friends as some are going through the same thing.

That's encouraging. Thank you.

I can't move out as no money for deposit or to rent. So will need to wait for financial separation to be sorted .

He keeps saying to DS " you want daddy to come to..... park / town / swimming etc "

He constantly talks at me about nothing ( normal) so really deflecting / in denial ...... or worst thinks I'm joking