Mixing step families

[delongi2004]

any advice please
I've been with my partner 3 years - he has 2 kids (12 and 14) and I have two (6 and 9). the kids schools are about 30min drive apart.
So far we have maintained 2 separate houses, each near the children's respective schools and friends network.

We couldn't see a way to get everyone together without it being unfair on one half. Neither of us want to uproot our kids from their networks, I rely heavily on my parents who live in the next street to me.
Has anyone maintained separate houses long term?
We both have 50:50 custody so the kids aren't all together a huge amount of the time - usually every other weekend.
We're currently struggling in terms of our idealised "normal" future where we have one home large enough for the kids to have their own space and 'blend' the 2 families together vs how we could actually get there.
Currently we are 2 single parents that spend time together at both houses in various combinations me at his with his kids, him at mine with my kids, some weekends with all 6 of us together.
We also struggle with coming to terms with the difference in our parenting styles - things he's OK with him kids drive me mental and vice versa.
If we were to put everyone together in one house (aside from the location/schools etc) we'd need to lay out ground rules for parenting, im wondering if theres a way to do this across the 2 houses?
Thanks

I personally know a couple who married and maintained separate households until all children left home.

I’ve been with DP 7 years and we still have separate houses.

I have 3 DCs and he has 2, similar ages. But we also have very different parenting styles and I know I couldn’t live with his DCs without a huge amount of unwelcome change on their part.

We rarely spend time all together tbh, due to this. He and I spend one evening a week, just the two of us, then he’ll come and stay with me and my DCs another 2 nights of the week. He has 50/50 but their mum isn’t the most reliable so it’s often more than that.

His DCs have their nan living close by and lots of friends round all the time, so they don’t need to be involved in my family too. Our DCs are very different people (mine are all a bit emo/alternative, his are very mainstream/normal!) so they don’t really get on as such.

So far it’s working ok. Sometimes I wish for a more normal set up, living with him, marrying him etc but I think the sacrifices and compromises for all of us would be too much.

So for now we enjoy our time together and try not to look too far ahead!

I've been with my partner for 3 years. We live 25 minutes apart.
He lives near his work, his elderly parents, and his young adult DC.
I live near my work, my Mum, and my DC (ages 9 and 13).

He comes to my house 3 evenings a week, and comes on holiday with me and my DC. His DC are adults with their own lives, so I rarely see them.

He values his freedom and space now that his DC have left home. He also visits his parents often.
I'm obviously committed to my DC and their local lives.

It wouldn't suit anyone for us to try and mix the households, so I don't plan on getting a shared home with him till my kids have left home.

This doesn't bother me at all. My life is busy and I cherish the rare bits of alone time I have! Unless you're desperate to mix your lives 24-7, I wouldn't worry about it.

I would keep it the way it is. Kids, especially teenagers are hard to parent as it is, wouldn't like to deal with step families at the same time.

I am a single mum and don't intend on living with anyone until the kids have left home. My boyfriend is the same.

I would keep it how it is too...

There are already red flags re. you living together, and having joint rules, boundaries etc. There is no easy way to combine houses with such different outlooks. You would all need to be super adult, super considerate, and all willing to compromise. I found it too much.

Being a step parent is a really really hard job.

It would probably only work if it was something the children truly and actively wanted. Even then, your differences in parenting approaches would need ironing out first.
I'd say, stay as you are. As a former step child, I'd say it is a good compromise- the parents' relationship isn't always a good enough reason to uproot the children. You have to ask What's in it for them???

Its unbelievable how similar our situations are, we are moving in together this year, and my two children, especialy one of them will really struggle with the distnace, but they are both ok with it, and both me and my DP will be supporting them and making sure they are not suffering due to our choices.
When it is the 6 of us together, it is really great! of course some issues arise, arguments, moods...but what family doesnt have all this? we are over sensitive about these things I guess, and I am sometimes guilty of that.
You and your partner should live together if this will make you happy, and you will work out a way to make everyone happy, dont mention the negatives infront of them and focus on the positives. We are thinking of getting them one item each for their rooms, to help them personalise them, they will all be loved and adored, they all experienced family break up, and we can make a better place for them all...location and distance is something that can worked out.
Parenting is a big one, setting ground rules, and finding the middle ground, there will be bumps but this is the nature of blended families...

I would keep the houses separate, I just don’t think it works generally speaking and have seen more disasters than successes over the years. Put the kids first and keep the status quo where everyone is happy

I dont understand why putting the kids first means living separately? Wouldn't it be easier to live together and have the support, instead of constant jumping between houses, the father, the mother, and the partner!
If they get along, and you are willing to put in the effort to make it work, why wouldnt it....
I hope I wont be posting here in one year with regrets!

I dont understand why putting the kids first means living separately ...because they don’t get to choose most of the time.

Of course if the DCs are all keen then fair enough, but when we’ve discussed it with our respective kids, they’ve all had hesitations about not living near friends, about who gets the bigger room , who’s going to be helpful and who’s not etc. They’d go into it expecting to be unfairly treated and on the lookout for any sign of double standards. His DCs already have me down as the wicked stepmom who would make them do jobs and let my kids put their feet up, when I’ve never been anything but nice to them! Too many Disney films I think.

Certainly in my case, there’s a huge discrepancy in finances, so either we’d have a two tier family where his are the ‘haves’ and mine are the ‘have nots’ - or his DCs would have to sacrifice some of the luxuries they get in order to have a fairer situation for all. Either way someone will feel hard done by.

Similarly with friends - wherever we buy, the kids who end up moving away from their friends (even if staying at the same school) will be annoyed that their social life is affected. But moving so that nobody is near their friends didn’t make sense either!!

It just ended up being easier to keep things separate, but I do think his DCs miss out because he has to choose to be with them or with me, rather than being able to be with all of us. I think I could offer them a loving and stable home and would be a good influence on them, but for now I just stay out of it, leave him to spend half his week there and half with me, biding our time until they all leave home! (Youngest is 10 so many years yet!)

RagingWhoreBag This must be difficult, I respect how calm you are and aware of all those issues.
I think in our case, having my kids older than his, is making it a bit easier, so for bed time for example you cant have the 12 and 15 years old, sleep same time as 8 and 9, this applies to things like going out..plus mine are more into being in their bedrooms or out with friends, while his need us around them more.
I am not living in the clouds, so I can see where problems can happen, for example we agreed we will get a console for the family room, but it wont be anyones, so no one can claim it as theirs!
My children, well one of them, find going away together with my DP and his family, a bit stressful, they love the activities and everything, but families are different they function differently, and do things differently so he feels tense at some points.
I think I could offer them a loving and stable home and would be a good influence on them I loved what you said here, and I wish they realise that, it is very true, I think it is healthy for children to see parents in healthy relationships, and those new adults in their lives can offer a lot! I think my DP is a great role model for my DC and I hope that I am giving something positive to his DC.
People move houses, change countries, move schools and get new friends for many different reasons, it is not the end of the world and it can be dealt with. I am very lucky my 2 dont have to change schools, but will need lots of taxing around ...which I di already as most of friends live 20 and 30 min away from us..
I think I am lucky that our DC are welcoming of the move,but we are aware it will not be smooth sailing all the time

My ex partner and I waited until my dcs had both left home to like be together. Worked well for us for (together 13 years lived together 6 years). We split a few years ago nothing to do with dcs. I ruined it ( bad choices). So yes seperate homes can and does work.