HELP - MY RELATIONSHIP HAS BROKEN DOWN

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MY PARTNER WALKED OUT ON ME A WEEK AGO AFTER 15 YEARS STATING THE HE 'NEEDED TO FIND HIMSELF, HE DOESN'T RECOGNISE HIMSELF ANYMORE AND WHEN HE LOOKS IN THE MIRROR HE DOESN'T LIKE WHAT HE SEES'. HE SAID HE NEEDED SOME SPACE AND THAT HE NEEDED TO FIGURE OUT WHO HE WANTED IN HIS LIFE. HE CAME HOME FROM WORK A SHORT WHILE LATER (SATURDAY MORNING), PACKED A CASE AND WENT TO STAY WITH HIS DAD. HE SAID HE WAS REALLY STRUGGLING BUT WOULD BE BACK IN JUST OVER A WEEK TO DELIVER HIS DECISION ON WHETHER OR NOT WE WERE FINISHED. HE SAID THERE WAS NO ONE ELSE BUT MADE NO ATTEMPT TO EXPLAIN OR EVEN TRY TO HAVE A CONVERSATION ABOUT WHY HE WAS FEELING LIKE THIS HE TOLD ME THAT HE HAD SAID EVERYTHING HE NEEDED ME TO KNOW.

ON THE THURSDAY EVENING, HE WENT OUT AND GOT DRUNK AND MESSAGED ME SAYING THAT HE WANTED A CHILD AND AS I CANT HAVE CHILDREN, THIS IS THE ONE THING HE WANTS THAT I CANNOT GIVE HIM. HE THEN MESSAGED ME THE FOLLOWING MORNING - AFTER TALKING TO HIS BROTHER - AND TOLD ME HE WAS NOT COMING BACK HOME.

I HAVE SINCE DISCOVERED THAT HE HAS BEEN MESSAGING WOMEN AT WORK - IN ONE PARTICULAR CASE THE MESSAGES WERE GOING BEYOND BANTER AND SHE WAS SENDING HIM PICTURES AND HE ASKED HER OUT ON A DATE WHEN WE WERE TOGETHER - SHE ONLY MARRIED HER HUSBAND IN AUGUST 2018. I HAVE NOW ALSO DISCOVERED THAT HE HAS SIGNED UP TO POF AND MATCH.COM STATING THAT HE IS 'ACTIVELY SEEKING A RELATIONSHIP'.

HE IS STILL MESSAGING ME BUT IS BLOWING HOT AND COLD AND COMPLAINING OF NOT SLEEPING WELL - I GUESS BECAUSE HE IS UP ALL NIGHT ON POF!!! i WANT TO CONFRONT HIM BUT I DON'T KNOW IF IT WILL DO ANY GOOD. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH WE WERE TOGETHER FOR 15 YEARS AND I THOUGHT WE WERE SOLID. HONESTLY IF ANYONE HAD TOLD ME A YEAR AGO THIS WAS GOING TO HAPPEN I WOULD HAVE LAUGHED IN THEIR FACE.

WHAT MAKES IT WORSE IS THAT HE RAISED MY DAUGHTER AS HIS OWN SINCE SHE WAS 4 AND SHE LOVES HIM LIKE A DAUGHTER LOVES A FATHER BECAUSE THAT IS ESSENTIALLY WHAT HE IS TO HER AND ALL HE DID WAS SEND HER A MESSAGE WITH A COUPLE OF LINES SAYING HE WASN'T COMING BACK. NO EXPLANATION, NOTHING. HE DIDN'T EVEN RESPOND TO HER MESSAGE BACK TO HIM. SO WE ARE BOTH DEVASTATED - WE FEEL THAT HE HAS THROWN US AWAY AND USED THE FACT THAT I CANNOT HAVE ANY MORE CHILDREN (HE ALWAYS KNEW THIS) AS A SMOKESCREEN FOR THE FACT THAT HE IS LOOKING FOR OTHER WOMEN.

I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO FOR THE BEST AS I LOVE HIM DEEPLY. I HAVEN'T EATEN FOR 13 DAYS NOW I CANNOT STOMACH THE THOUGHT OF IT, I'M NOT SLEEPING AND AM IN SUCH A STATE I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO GO TO WORK. IN ADDITION I RECENTLY FOUND A LUMP IN MY BREAST AND HAVE JUST RECEIVED A REFERRAL TO THE HOSPITAL. I'M ON MY LAST NERVE.

I WOULD BE GRATEFUL FOR ANY ADVICE OR WORDS OF WISDOM IF YOU HAVE ANY TO SPARE.

MANY THANKS

JAYNE XX

Am so sorry to hear that you and your daughter are living with this. Few thoughts - do you know what you want? You need to turn it around and make it clear to him that actually it isn’t just his decision?
I think you should consider couples counselling - it can be as much about splitting up successfully as staying together. I’d say he owes you that.
You have to assume that you are splitting up so safeguard your financial position by gathering information etc and maybe getting advice;
I’d be calling him out about your DC and his behaviour towards her. Is his intention to disappear from her life if you permenantly split. If he says no & he still wants contact, is sorry she’s been hurt etc then set ground rules for now. If he says yes I think I’d actually have my answer to the future of the relationship.

Sorry but he is following 'The Script'. There will be another woman there somewhere (at least one).

He's acting like a shit to your DD because he's feeling guilty.

You need to take back control of the situation, instead of letting him blow hot and cold. Tell him to stay where he is. Stay to get a handle on your emotions and please eat something.

Can you talk to anyone in real life? I think you should make a GP appointment too to talk about your MH in all this. Sorry to hear about the referral for the lump in your breast - great timing! But I'm sure all will be fine.

*Start not stay

You need to get some love and support and real life support around you.
You also need to see your GP.
Not eating for 13 days is not good.
We've all been there but you need to keep hydrated and keep your sugar levels up.
I couldn't stomach solid food for weeks and got by on sugary tea and ice-lollies.
Could you try soup or a smoothie?

As already said, he's following the cheaters script here.
You now need to protect yourself.
Are you married?
Has he moved all of his stuff out?
If not, get busy packing it all up and throwing it out.

You are probably still in shock right so you need to allow some time for this to sink in.
This is not your fault.
He's a lying, cheating, scumbag and you and your DD will be better off in the long run, without him.

So sorry you are in this situation. Please try to eat for the sake of your daughter i know its hard water, soup, yogurt, smoothies. Im having rel issues so know its hard to eat. Dont wait for him to decide - there will be an OW i suspect (sorry to say) so he may be wondering if its going to work out with her. Decide what you want to do. Good luck