Is it too late

[Meandwinealone]

I’ve had a really rough few years. Left an abusive relationship 4 years ago which lasted 10 years. Only to get involved with a man who was a dear friend of mine for a long time, but turned out to be a horrible narcissist (and I don’t use that lightly)
I have, after going back to him at least 7 times, I think finally seen the real man behind the mask.

I am 41, I really thought he was the person I wanted to share my life with. My previous ex wouldn’t have children with me even though I desperately wanted them. I’ve just wasted another 3 years with this other man.

I’ve spent 2 years in therapy, trying to get my life back together. But I just feel like I’ve lost years and years of my life and I’ll never meet someone who really loves me and wants a family.

I don’t know if I am ready to meet someone, but I don’t have time not to try. Do I just give up and accept that I will not have children. I can’t do it on my own, I can’t afford it, I don’t have any family near. and I’m probably too scared.

I really thing you need to do some work on yourself.
You say family are far away - how far away?
Could help you financially at all to have a child with donor sperm?
Might be worth reaching out to them.

Did you have a specialist help after your abusive relationship?
If not then please contact Womens Aid.
You may need more specialist counselling.

But be kind to yourself.
Reach out to family and friends.

Thanks hells. I had therapy. It took me a long time to see it was abusive.
I did the freedom programme online.

My family live 300 miles away. And I live in a bedsit in London. Which I can’t afford to leave.
I just feel like I’ve made such a mess of my life, just a pathetic washed up woman in my forties, whilst everyone I know has got on with life, I’m back to square one again.
Sorry. It sounds like such a pity party, I have spoken to people in rl. But quite rightly they are fed up of me self sabotaging over and over with the current man.

And I’m scared really. I never used to be. I was a strong woman with goals. Now I wish I wouldn’t even wake up.

Can you move to be nearer family? London is very expensive. Perhaps your family could support you until you find a new job closer to home

I think you need some love and support.
Could you move to be near to your family?
London prices are crazy and a complete change of scene may just help you.
Please also visit your GP.
You may be suffering with depression.
Don't let that worsen or you'll keep making the same mistakes.

Take time away from all of it, and be kind to yourself. Being in a relationship won't solve the issues you have with yourself learn to love yourself and enjoy your own company first. Do something to boost your self esteem and join classes or clubs to mix with new people. You'll find that things will happen when you least expect it. Bringing a child into the world when you are this unhappy won't solve things. Be kind to yourself, you are worth more than you think xxx

I have thought about moving closer to my family. But work wise it would be very hard.
My job is about the only positive in my life and it’s very London centric.

My family are not very supportive. One of my first ever posts on mn was on the stately homes thread.

Sorry I just seem like I am putting up excuses not to do anything. But even just talking on here and people being kind makes me feel a bit better.

It’s amazing how alone you can feel in the world sometimes! To outside world I’m sure I look like I am happy and together.

I did go to the doctors. I got diazepam for when things are really bad. But I didn’t want to take antidepressants.

I guess you are right, I would just really like some love and kindness, and there isn’t really anyone in my life who I can ask that of.
I’m trying to like myself more. Not to be so hard on myself.
Anyway thank you for letting me talk on here. It does help on a very bad day.

Have you thought about volunteering? I know it may sound counterintuitive since you feel you need support, but it just occured to me when you mentioned wanting love and kindness. I thought what a sad world we live in where there are so many in need of love and kindness. You would meet like minded (kind) people, take your mind off the anxiety you are feeling and maybe you could help children even if not your own. Just a thought.

I did do some volunteering ages ago. Yes your right. I need to look at positive steps like that or a hobby that will help me. I have been stuck in this downward spiral for too long x

I really recommend looking in to Gateway Women. It is an organisation for childless women, many of whom are childless by circumstance as you are. That way you can meet other women in a similar position to get some moral support and to work out what is next for you, be that pursuing children still or finding a Plan B that you can be just as excited by. As well as their forums they also organise regular in person meetups. I think you will find a huge amount of support there.

Thanks that’s a great idea. I will look them up

People cam meet someone at any age. I know several women (some with kids, some withiut,) who've met a partner in the 40s, 50s and beyond.

In terms of kids, some women remain fertile til mid 40s (which would give you time to meet someone, build up a relationship, get to know them really well etc before TTC) some don't.
Even if you aren't one of those, you still have a year or two to meet someone and TTC, it really differs from person to person. As does whether IVF would work for you.

You could also adopt a child, not an easy route but some people have successfully done do.

Or if you meet someone with children, you will be part of their lives.

Even if none of the above apply, many people have happy lives without them.

Thanks @Moralitym1n1
I am not very scared of never meeting someone.
I guess I am scared of not having a family. All my friends say how having children changed their life. They never knew love before, never regretted children. And you hear it on here a lot too.

The concept of being a mother and never having that opportunity to be a mother. That I have missed out on something special that nothing else compares to

Op if you feel that way, but also feel you're not able to go it alone, you're kind of between back a rock and a hard place; because while you may meet someone and have a child before your fertility tanks, equally you may not (I know I'm stating the obvious here).

What I would say is 2 things;

I've relatively recently had a baby (at 41) and it can be very very hard. It's not Al positive.

Becoming a parent had made me realise that the realm parenting is not the biological side, but the day to day, hour by hour, relentless care and effort, I always thought it was important but now I think it pretty much trump's who biologically created a child.

Anyway, back on main topic -even there is also the possibility of IVF with donor eggs (I don't know if freezing eggs at 41 is recommended or not, obviously there are more and more viable eggs than at 45, bug perhaps the fertility clinic folks recommend donor eggs over 41 year old eggs for best chances of going that route, not sure) .. I've you were to meet someone later.

If it makes you feel any better, when I was a t secondary school, both our neighbour and my school friends mum fell pregnant ( to their embarrassment!) at 45, natural and unplanned.

Maybe the best thing to do is concentrate on expanding your social life, hobbies etc and meeting someone nice who you're compatible with, then you can see where you're at re. TTC.

*real parenting

I also vote for volunteering to meet new people, have a purpose, and reduce stress levels.

Have you considered adoption, perhaps a toddler, or a child with an additional need?