Sorry for the long post, I'm so confused as to whether I'm being unreasonable or not here
I have been with my bf for a few years but only lived together since the year before last. I'm 33 he's 38 and he's kind and funny most of the time but lately I cant cope with his bad moods, lately I feel as though he's being less considerate and expecting more from me while giving less in return, I'm totally drained and finding reasons to stay out of the house when know he's home.
If I disagree with him the response I get is so aggressive and intimidating, he is never violent, but he shouts and gets in my face, he speaks to me like I'm dumb and he thinks this is acceptable as he doesn't mean it to be aggressive its 'just the way he is'
I do all of the housework, cooking, cleaning, washing etc, I don't mind this as I pay less so I contribute by doing everything around the house. He does nothing at all. Even rubbish, he doesn't put it in the bin he will just put near him on the side/floor and I have to tidy it up, washing is dropped on the floor wherever its taken off for me to collect up to wash, and he constantly complains...'this isn't washed and I need it I knew I should have done it myself'....'you didn't buy [whatever] when you went shopping you're so tight with money'...'you cant cook I don't know why you bother trying'.....There's no communication, if he tells me what he wants / when he wants something then I do it but he doesn't, i'm supposed to just know I guess. I work full time shifts, I do washing everyday, I food shop on my first day off work, the house is always clean and tidy, its not like it chaos! But its not enough, I'm expected to live to his schedule that's in his head, and he tells me I'm lazy, tight, cheap, etc etc when I wont or cant.
Even writing this I feel like I'm whining like he says I do, but the lack of anything other than criticism is wearing me down, I don't know if I am just over-sensitive and this is normal stuff people disagree about?? I've never lived with a partner before so I'm not sure what's normal and what's unacceptable. He still jokes and messes around occasionally when he's sober but not like he used to.
I go to bed alone most nights while he drinks (a bottle of vodka and 4/5 beers is normal) and watches you tube, sometimes he's going to bed at 6am when I get up for work. I cant watch TV in the evening because either he has something on (but still watches you tube as well) or I cant hear it over his phone anyway, even when I stick it out and stay downstairs there's no conversation. So I play on my phone then he insults me for always being on my phone all the time, when I point out that I only do it because what's the alternative? watching what he wants to watch on tv or listening to youtube on his phone, he just calls me a liar.
He seems to go out of his way to say hurtful things to people, not just me, then says its 'just my opinion, its not my fault if the truth hurts'. For example a girl he works with had lip implants, i asked what it looks like because ive wanted mine done for a while, his response: you need to lose weight and get a six pack first, no point in vanity if your not even fit. I have put on weight since moving in with him, I was an 8, now I'm a size 10/12, so not skinny but not huge either and the fact that a conversation about lips turned to my weight completely unprovoked by me tells me he just saw an opportunity to hurt me and took it.
Up until recently I've accepted that its just what he's like and he doesn't mean it to come across like it does, but I'm getting concerned its a controlling behaviour rather than his personality, and by making me feel inferior, it makes him feel superior and in control. I'm worried its working.... I avoid situations where he'll get angry, I get up early before work to do housework, I just don't speak if I think my opinion will annoy him. Its worrying me how much I've changed and I didn't even notice until recently when I spoke to an old friend who, quite brutally if I'm honest ha, pointed it out.
Some days I want to stay because I love him and believe we can work it out and tell myself he's just stressed at work, that I'm getting the brunt of it and it will be better once we get a house that's ours and he gets a new job. Other days i tell myself that's a stupid fantasy that wont happen and he'll never change, a fact he openly admits whenever I point out him doing something that bothers me, and I think if I don't act then I will live my life in this limbo feeling more like a maid than a partner, he has said several times he has no desire to get married and I'm reluctant to bring children into an environment that even I'm struggling to cope in, so then I look for flats and half plan to move out so I don't waste my life like a bloody 1950's housewife silently rushing about doing chores so as not to anger her husband when he gets home...
If you made it this far, sorry again for the long post. Am I being unreasonable? Are these normal things that we're arguing about? Am I being over sensitive? I've spoken to friends who are all very non-committal and wont give an opinion really either way, I need honest opinions