Husband expects me to go along with everything when it comes to his parents

[macncheese2]

I am wondering how other people manage things when their husband has a close relationship with his parents.
My husband’s parents live ten minutes away where as my parents live 3.5 hours away. We both have one sibling who lives abroad so are both the only children in the country.
My husband is very close to his parents. My older daughter goes round one day during the week (7am-4pm) and younger daughter will do the same when I go back to work soon). My husband then goes round for breakfast and tea on that day plus he and the girls (& sometimes me) see them for at least 3-4 hours at the weekend.
The thing is that anything relating to his parents has to be on my husband’s terms, he expects me just to go along with what he wants and he says he does the same when it comes to my parents. I always try to discuss with him plans for visiting and having my parents to stay. For example they didn’t stay as long as I’d have liked at Christmas (just two days / 3 nights ) as he said he wanted plenty of time at home just ourselves-though we ended up seeing his parents several times. My parents don’t stay very often and tend to come for the day during the week.
I just feel that everything to do with his parents can’t always be on his terms. There are times he’s insisted that my daughter has a sleep over at his parents and Ive not thought it the right time eg the night after they were just back from a long haul holiday with jet lag and 24 hours travelling, and it has ended up in a big row. We have to go away for a week with them once a year which I find very hard and when I’ve asked my husband if we can have a day to do something by ourselves with the girls I get told no, and even if I ask if we can have a few hours one morning or afternoon it’s still no.
I’d like to know if other people just go along with what their other half wants when it comes to their parents or do you try to discuss and agree upon things? I’m especially interested if you’re in the same situation as me where your other half’s parents live nearby and your own parents some distance away. Thanks x

That is weirdly controlling and inflexible. It’s fine for him to be close to his parents, but you should absolutely have some say in how you spend a holiday, what your children are doing and whether you want to spend that amount of time with them.
You also shouldn’t be allowing him to dicatate the amount of time your parents get to be with you when you see them much more infrequently.

I would have to put my foot down.
No one would dictate how long my parents stayed if theirs were just around the corner.
As for holidays together, no. Just no.
Precious family time, not extended family time.
In your shoes, I would have to give my partners some ground rules about boundaries and not take no for an answer.
Time for big girl pants.

There is absolutely no way I would go away with my in-laws for a week every year (and I would never expect my DH to do this with my parents either). We have gone on holiday with them in the past, but a week every single year? Not a chance. Your DH is being totally unreasonable not to give you a say in this. It should be a joint decision.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?

He is really dictating terms to you and that is not acceptable at all.

I would try and get to the very roots of what is driving all this with him.
People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles. Its interesting to note as well that his sibling now lives abroad; there are reasons why that happened and its likely not just to do with,for instance, work.

What are your own boundaries like here with regards to them; they seem ok but they could do with some revision all the same.
Have a look further at your relationship with your ILs and the kids relationship with their grandparents with a view to getting alternative childcare. Your H's boundaries seem non existent and its hurting you all as his family unit.

Re the holidays with the inlaws who is the main driver of this. Is it his parents insisting that you go with them or is it your H wanting to be with them?.

It sounds like his relationship is sadly very much tied up and in with his parents rather than you as his wife even though he is now an adult who has left home and has a family of his own. His primary relationship is really with them isn't it?. Theirs is a codependent and ultimately destructive relationship in which there is no room for you. I would like to know what he thinks is going to happen when they die, how is he going to cope?. What he fails to realise is that his own inertia when it comes to his parents simply hurts him as well as you.

Thanks for replying to my post. I really struggle with the holiday as to me that time is really special in that you don’t have all the rubbish jobs at home to do so can spend more time with the kids. Also when we do go away with them my older daughter just wants Granny the whole time so I don’t get a look in which is hard.
I do agree that very often it feels as though his parents come first which has led to me being very hurt several times and builds up resentment. I disagree with something I usually try to suggest a compromise but that doesn’t work. He says I’m not happy unless things are my way which I guess might be true sometimes but definitely not always. I had some counselling a few years ago which included assertiveness but when I tried to apply it I didn’t find it worked.
I tend to put up with things for so long and then it gets too much so I say something which results in an argument so we just go round in circles!!

Its doesn't have to be on his terms, only if you go along with it.