That thin line btwn accepting a relationship & being alone...

[LifeCasting]

Serial NCer here but can we remind ourselves of that thin line between accepting a crappy relationship and choosing to be alone?

You know, when you’re wondering if you’re putting in more effort and energy?

When you wonder why you are the one texting first?

When you are at that stage where you buy yourself flowers, but remember a time he did this?

What do you call it? It’s that transition into a LTR yet not wanting to accept crappy behaviours...

That clear-vision moment.

The evening he expects me to drive for the fifth time in a row so he can drink. The day he complains if I’m tired after spending a day at work, plus school run, plus cooking supper and helping with homework, and he’s spent the day on a golf course,

For me, being single is much better than a bad relationship.

Hi, SSM, you too, huh?

Sounds like you are being taken for granted. Mine is blowing hot & cold since I told him we can’t live together.

It’s the lack of nurturing that’s hard. Is this DH for you? I’m so sorry. I left a marriage for similar reasons...

Mine was a long term oh, not live-in and not a husband. Don’t worry, I don’t mind. I’d been walking on egg shells for a while so it’s lovely to relax.

What is the problem with you living together? Dcs who don’t need the disruption? Or are you worried he’d not do/pay his share? that you’d be adding to your workload for little support/affection in return?

Don’t do it unless the thought of it makes you smile.

Same as mine... long term oh...
i know that feeling of getting rid of eggshells.
Yes I have DCs who are dependent but also am afraid to commit to him. We do pretty much live together every other week but when we are apart he does little things to sabotage. Teeny tiny things but just enoght remind me.

Yes I am worried about becoming the needy wifey again. And finances. Plus he has his own trauma which makes it hard for him to conceptualise ‘home’.

It’s making me ill.

If it's making you ill, then it's past a tipping point, you may be better ending it than trying to make it work. Relationships are supposed to add to your life, not drag you down.

So he's now blowing hot and cold because.. he was looking forward to moving in and getting a full maid/chef service for free?

Well done for not having him move in.

I think you can safely bin him off. Tantrumming is unattractive especially in a grown man.

I have a very highly tuned bullshit detector and there's a lot of it about.

Better single.

Just dump him. This all sounds incredibly hard work and you sound weary.

Thanks everyone. I am ill anyway - as is he - maybe this is one of the problems. I’m trying not to sound like I am defending him.

Thank you re not moving
in. He’s great when we are together, helpful etc but I worry it would turn sour. There is no tantrumming but things get a bit uncertain every other week with all the changes. I don’t think his own illness helps.

Urggggh being in a relationship is so hard for me, it feels like it puts me in an unsafe place.

You sound very sane to me. You don't want to put up with "crappy behaviour", you CBA with "walking on eggshells", you buy your own flowers...

Maybe you just don't have the energy for a relationship ATM anyway?

Yes I am sane. I have ASD and done other problems, but I am sane. The eggshells comment wasn’t mine - I said I know how it feels to a PP but not from here.

I do feel lacking in energy when he & I are apart. It’s then that it gets tough. Generally he is a calming influence and is normally a caring person.

I think it’s my own fears about it becoming a LTR...

Sorry, I didn't mean to suggest there was really any doubt about your sanity You just sound so clear about it all, I'm wondering why you're second guessing your very 'sane' reactions.

So you are anxious when with him and 'lacking in energy' (depressed?) when apart?
Sounds like an emotional rollercoaster.
Sounds like things aren't right. Trust that intuition.

Thank you for perspectives, this was really helpful. We had a good talk today and a very comforting and reassuring time. I think he’s going though a tough patch right now (unlike him, and it is genuine, he is getting help) and some of that came across as blowing hot & cold. We’ve come up with a code word for when either of us perceives it like this, and discussed strategy for staying connected during the week times apart.

I like this reference to instinct very much. My instinct was to reach out to him this morning and he was hugely grateful. I think sometimes another’s difficult time can appear disinterest. He was very loving and caring and we have a strong bond.

Feeling better!