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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I kiss my ex before he goes?

18 replies

RubyN · 26/02/2019 22:43

Some of you will recognise the story - I was seeing a guy for a few months before I discovered he had depression/anxiety. The cliffnotes version is it was causing us problems; and one drink-fuelled night I said I thought it would be best to end it because I was sick of his inconsistency and he 'wasn't sure; about long distance which made me think he didn't feel as strongly. He agreed we'd be better as friends anyway as he is supposedly moving abroad in one month.

But that was 3 months ago and I'm starting to think we made a mistake. I thought maybe it was a fling/I wouldn't hear from him again but since the break up he's been in consistent contact & we see each other every week. I'm not sure why but in the last couple of weeks something has changed...

When spending time in a group, I'd catch him looking at me all the time & we don't leave the others side. Then last night, we went to support a friend at an event at the bar we went to for our first date. On that date we shut the bar down and lo and behold...we shut the bar down again last night. He was being touchy feely & kept looking down at my lips/checking me out (again this is more recent). When we said goodbye, we held onto each other for AGES and eventually settled on a small cheek kiss, although we were about an inch from each other's face. Almost kiss.

I believe its right for him to take the job opportunity abroad but I also wonder if we were premature in deciding not to leave ourselves open to long distance and he has clearly stated he wants to visit me and vice versa. Last night he tried to convince me to relocate when he goes & also said he was considering postponing the move when I said 'please don't go!'.

So...we're going to meet again before he leaves. We said we'd be 'friends' but the chemistry has obviously reached through the roof levels again. Should I kiss him or do I restrain myself and leave the departure at a nice hug?

OP posts:
pitterpatterbaby · 26/02/2019 22:45

Kiss him! If he makes you feel that way just for it xxx

Lacypants · 26/02/2019 22:48

Kiss him. Heck, shag him if you want to. Don't expect it to lead to some grand rekindling though.

poppingoff · 26/02/2019 22:48

On that date we shut the bar down and lo and behold...we shut the bar down again last night.

What does that mean?

Loopytiles · 26/02/2019 22:50

Think I remember your threads: you said you wanted a good relationship. This man isn’t going to be the man for that.

Owlettele · 26/02/2019 22:53

Thanks @poppingoff I was hoping someone would ask 🤦🏼‍♀️ I am v.uncool

But OP yes kiss him. Kiss him as much as you want to or more. Go for it. As long as it makes you feel good at the time. Grab whatever happiness you can!!

RubyN · 26/02/2019 22:58

Loopytiles Yes, I want a good relationship in time...but right now isn't the best time. I am between jobs and country and not able to 'settle'. Hopefully in the next year or 2 I'll be in the right place for that but not right this second. I agree he isn't the best candidate for a LTR atm.

Sorry, by shut the bar down, I meant once again everyone else left & they had to politely ask us to leave too. All I mean is I've felt so good and happy since we were together, and he clearly felt the same. I know it's not likely to lead to some grand re-kindling but I'm wondering whether to just go for it on the last night or part as 'friends'.

OP posts:
poppingoff · 26/02/2019 23:02

Turns out it's just a weird way of saying "last to leave". We're still cool @Owlettele 👍

RubyN · 26/02/2019 23:05

Yeah. I've been spending too much time with Americans...

OP posts:
RubyN · 27/02/2019 08:06

Any more contributions? To kiss or not to kiss? Grin

OP posts:
PutyourtoponTrevor · 27/02/2019 08:19

How old are you?

sweetcheeksmahoaney · 27/02/2019 08:22

kiss him op.

Smidge001 · 27/02/2019 08:23

If youre between jobs and countries, why on earth can't you relocate with him and see where it goes?

NC4Now · 27/02/2019 08:27

Kiss him. It might not ever be anything more but it would be a wasted opportunity not to!

RubyN · 27/02/2019 09:00

Well I do have a job and a contract here until June. But we broke up...partly because he said he wasn't sure about LDR.

But since then we've just got closer and closer. I don't know if he's open to having a casual LDR or if he just wants to remain friends. To me, it's fairly clear we're not just mates.

I'm not sure moving for someone that was non committal 3 months ago is a treat idea but at the same time we're so happy when we're together. NC4Now, you might right, maybe I should just kiss him and let the chips fall where they may!

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 28/02/2019 07:33

That’s what you obviously want to do, but posters reading your other thread wouldn’t be saying “go for it”.

Long distance is damn hard even in established relationships, and this man is far too flakey to move for if you care about yourself. You didn’t know him a year ago? And didn’t date long. He’s not your friend: you want more. You’re wasting your time and energy IMO.

RubyN · 28/02/2019 20:58

Loopytiles you say he's not my friend, because I want more. But what does it sound like he wants? He's in consistent contact, often asks me to meet, flirts and tries to extend our time together as much as possible.

I agree about ldr as I've done it but I would open to keeping it casual fpr now. Obviously things would have to change I met someone I could get serious about.

OP posts:
velourvoyageur · 28/02/2019 21:44

Tbh gonna reiterate what I said last time - he feels safe being flirty while you're just friends and sex is off the table, but translate that into a proper relationship and I reckon he'll be back to messing you around because, while I'm sure he's a lovely guy and feels bad for having hurt you (I would hope), he doesn't sound equipped at the moment to be a boyfriend. You didn't get closer in a relationship, you broke up - you got closer I'd wager because he feels much safer in a friendship. He may even be privately kicking himself and regretting having pulled away - but who knows if he would actually be different the second time round or if the same thing would happen again? I might be wrong, it's just one possibility.
In any case I wouldn't kiss him if you're expecting anything to come of it. Don't expect him to take care of your feelings, assume full responsibility for that yourself.

I have some friendships with loose boundaries, it's never going to be anything more. The 'healthy' element to that is that none of us want it to be something more. If we did though then I think low contact would be the right option.

velourvoyageur · 28/02/2019 21:46

Yes I bet LDR would suit him down to the ground, but I think you would be seeing it as temporary, as in it wouldn't suit you long-term, and he would be happy with that indefinitely with then no incentive to sort out his problems with emotional/physical intimacy.

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