Not at fault but embarrased - Why?

[smurfette1818]

Just general observation but hoping for others' opinion...

I noticed that (some) women often feel embarrassed when they find themselves at the recipient end of abusive/poor treatment in relationships. There were number of threads here where the OPs were abused by their DHs and tried very hard to make sure they keep the problems secret from friends and family.

This I think also happens during dating phase. At the moment there is a thread running about someone who was not sure if it was her fault for being stood up. Surely, when men ghosted, made empty promises, it is 100% the men' fault, the only 'mistake' the women committed was just maybe being too trustworthy?

If the situation were reversed I don't think men have tendency to feel embarrassed/insecure in any way for being treated unfairly by their wives/gfs.

The same apply in the situation where the DP screwed up. It seems many women would not admit openly that their DPs crap with money, unreliable, had secret debt. But men would have no problem telling their friends that their wives screwed up and people would sympathized with the men (as opposed to look down on him).

Why is that? or are all these just in my head?

With the situations you describe I wonder if it’s because as a society we still place such emphasis on marriage being the pinnacle of a woman’s achievements that having to admit you “picked badly” by marrying a man who cheats / gambles / drinks is what carries the shame?

But I don’t think it’s necessarily true that only women feel this way. Domestic violence perpetrated by women towards men is under reported because many men feel too ashamed to admit that they’re “allowing” themselves to be beaten up by a woman, for example. Likewise infidelity, where being a “cuckold” carries enough stigma that some men wouldn’t admit their female partner had had an affair.
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In my case, I don’t tend to tell people about the abuse I suffered from my ex because I’m embarrassed and ashamed that it happened to me. It’s stupid and ridiculous but I almost feel like I’m not the sort of person that should have happened to (not that I think there is a type of person it should happen to) and I don’t see myself as that person. And also lots of bullshit I can’t quite get past about somehow having ‘let’ it happen to me. Or for not having left him immediately.

Also said, I’m totally aware that it was not my fault and that it reflects on his character rather than mine. But still.

I do agree that there are a lot of dominant discourses in society that feed into these unhelpful feelings. It’s not just a having chosen poorly thing (and I never married, so nevercreacg my pinnacle ). It’s also about how ‘abused women’ are so often portrayed or spoken about. Who would want to think of themselves in that way? Another issue is the narratives that seem to focus on failure to leave rather than anything else, which really do start to make you feel like it is partly your fault.

There are also lots of other reasons why I don’t tell people. So I haven’t told my mother or sister, or my ex’s parents (who I’m close to). I think this is because I wouldn’t them to feel guilty about not ‘doing something/realising’ or for them to feel sorry for me.