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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice Please!!

20 replies

hgo1105 · 26/02/2019 17:05

Hi all - this is my first time posting and really hoping for some advice please.

My partner is 21 years older than me, has 2 teenage children and has just told me that he is 90% sure that he doesn't want any more kids.

I have always been clear that I am desperate to be a mum (which I am) - when I mentioned this recently, he said that I have his kids... (another story, but I definitely don't!!)

I don't know what to do... I don't have any family, or even friends that I can talk to about this and it is all I can think about :(

Is there a chance he will change his mind? Is it worth me waiting around? Or do I just leave?

Children are 100% a deal breaker for me - I have always wanted them and have always said I would adopt if I couldn't have them naturally.

Sorry if this is a bit rambled - hope that someone can help!

Thanks xx

OP posts:
Twisique · 26/02/2019 17:13

Its really good that you know exactly what you want and what you need in a partner. You know what to do Flowers

drquin · 26/02/2019 17:23

Yes there's a chance he could change his mind ...... arguably about the same chance as you would. So nothing definitive to work on there.

It's your life, you need to decide on your priorities..... a life with him but possibly no children of your own? A life without him where you pursue children with someone else or on your own? Wait & see if he does change his mind, or you do?

Hellohappy · 26/02/2019 17:25

With that age gap and the fact he has children already and the fact he has told you he doesn’t want any more, I would bank on him not changing his mind.

LaughingCow99 · 26/02/2019 17:36

I agree with hellohappy.

I'm sorry you are in this predicament, but this is your life. You need to do what makes you happy. It sounds like you are at clear different phases in your life.

Bigonesmallone3 · 26/02/2019 17:39

If children are a deal breaker and he doesn't want them u have answered your own question..
Sorry but I wouldn't hang around hoping he may change his mind because he may not, by then u may of missed yours

Quartz2208 · 26/02/2019 17:42

It’s a 100% a dealbreaker for you so you leave

NeatFreakMama · 26/02/2019 18:10

I was in a similar situation and stayed for too long hoping he'd change his mind. My advise would be to leave. I don't think any relationship for me would be worth my kids now, I haven't looked back. I know that's a bit black and white and of course you have a real relationship that would break but If you want kids you have to do it x

MumUnderTheMoon · 26/02/2019 18:18

You have answered your own question. It's 100% a deal breaker for you. Also an age gap of more than 20 years means you are 95% more likely to end up divorced. With odds like that and the fact that he already has teenaged kids (I'm assuming your closer to their age than his) I'd move on.

MumCatx2 · 26/02/2019 22:32

You will never regret your child. Sperm bank. Don't miss your chance. No man matches up to time with my boys.

Original poster
hgo1105 · 27/02/2019 10:25

Thank you so much everyone - I massively appreciate the response.

I think deep down I already knew the answer - just needed someone else to confirm it for me :(

How to I have the final conversation though? I can't just up and leave in the middle of the night... x

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 27/02/2019 10:30

Well you can if you want to but you can just sit him down and tell him.
You want your own DC. He doesn't want anymore.
Neither of you are wrong but you now both want different things and you need to go your separate ways!
How old is he?
Because I can see his point if he is 50-ish.
I'd hate more kids now.
My life is winding down and not up.
But you are young and you do want them.
Time to get out there and find a person you who wants the same things as you.
If you don't then there is always donor sperm.

Don't give up on your dreams for a man you may have to be a carer for later down the line.

Original poster
hgo1105 · 27/02/2019 10:40

@hellsbells He is 44 and I am 23

I know I am super young still to be freaking out about all of this - and if I wasn't with him, I wouldn't be worrying about children just yet...

Its just difficult - we have been through a lot together, I have forgiven him for a lot and put up with a lot and I just feel like it will all have been for nothing!

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 27/02/2019 10:52

Stop forgiving him.
Stop putting up with a lot.
Why would you?
You are young and deserve a happy life full of fun.
I doubt he gives you this.
It's not all for nothing.
You've learnt some lessons.
The big one being, stop putting up with shit from men!
That is a good lesson to have at 23.
Google 'The sunk cost fallacy'. It's far worse to stay with the wrong person for all the wrong reasons just because you put some time in.

This guy does not respect you enough.
No doubt you are bending over backwards to keep him happy when he is the one who is messing you around.
Stop it!
End it.
Get out there and enjoy your youth.
At 23 you have plenty of time to find someone with the same goals in life as you.
This guy sounds like an asshole and you've hardly written anything about him!

MumUnderTheMoon · 27/02/2019 10:56

Just pack your bags and tell him it's over and leave. You don't have to drag it out into some melodrama.

Original poster
hgo1105 · 27/02/2019 10:57

If I write everything down I know I will look at myself and think I'm an idiot haha!

I am just scared - all I can think about at the minute are the good things and the nice times - when realistically thats not the reality.

OP posts:
DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 27/02/2019 11:09

Look, you’re 23. You’ve barely started your adult life and he’s already done it.

Just tell him you want different things and that they’re deal breakers.

Original poster
hgo1105 · 27/02/2019 11:13

Sorry all - I know I probably sound like such a child in all of this...

Really appreciate the advice

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 27/02/2019 11:33

Well to me OP - you are still a child.
You are only 2 years older than my DD.
I would hope she wouldn't be with a 44 YO at your age.

Of course you are scared.
You are stepping out there alone.
You are taking control of your own life.
Being independent.
It scary - but so so liberating!
Get out there and grab life by the balls!

peachgreen · 27/02/2019 11:50

OP, I promise you your life will be better away from him than with him. In the right relationship you don't have to forgive a lot and put up with a lot. Get out now.

forumdonkey · 27/02/2019 11:57

OP you're a year younger than my eldest and your DP is only 5 years younger than me. I'm at a point in my life where I'm enjoying not having any responsibilities of DC's. I'm enjoying holidays, nights out, weekends away and just doing whatever I feel like. There's no way I'd want to do it all again. IMO you're in different places in life. You've lots of life to enjoy and experience.

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