Support from Dh or lack of it

[user1490869844]

I’ve had depression and anxiety for quite a while now and cope well most of the time, a lot of people wouldn’t guess, but I often go through periods where I am really struggling. I am quite open with my feelings and have told dh how it feels, what I’m feeling etc but he never really listens. I’ve had the usual bs ignorant responses from him such as “pull your self together”, “your just lazy” “you look ok” etc etc and have never felt supported by him. I’ve broken down a fair few times and really just needed a supportive arm around me telling me he’s there for me, but again nothing really.
Now his brother has recently opened up to him about how he’s feeling and told dh that he has depression. Dh wants to be there for him and support him so he doesn’t feel alone, totally get this it’s his brother and I wouldn’t wish mh issues and being alone on anyone. But.. aibu I’m feeling hurt/pee’d off/ upset/ let down, can’t describe how I’m feeling really, that he’s pretty much brushed my issues off and is now supporting his brother saying he’s “ill”, “needs support” etc and reading up on ways to help him through it when he’s pretty much brushed me off as just a pain in the a*$#.

Ouch. Not much practical advice to offer but didn't want to read and run.

Can totally understand why you're feeling hurt.

Could you say something like 'It's really good that you want to read up on it as it'll help you understand what I go through too'?

Thanks GreenFingersWouldBeHandy I said something similar but apparently I was making it all about me 🙄

Well that's just an arsehole thing to say!

oh op i feel for you. looking out for his brother may help him to understand you better (looking for a positive angle..)

my experience was that i remained reasonably high functioning when signed off with depression and anxiety for several months (little to no financial impact on the family). i still brought kids to school etc, i even printed an article for him on the pressures of caring for someone with depression and the importance of self care for someone in that position.

i was trying to be thoughtful and caring, i believed that by considering him i wouldn't be seen as too self-absorbed. needless to say he didnt read any of the literature, his main concern was about how everything would reflect back on him.

Id be wary you have similar on your hands. In which case id be saying to you that he's a grown man and in charge of his own feelings. Expecting sympathy from him might be what is upsetting you the most and therefore not worth the personal cost to you.

dont know if that makes any sense at all.

In my experience, anxiety is actually easier to cope with on your own than with someone tutting at you.

Living with someone with depression and anxiety is exhausting and thankless. The family often feel there’s no room for anyone else’s emotions, perhaps your husband has had enough, or that’s he’s given enough support.

What an unsympathetic comment @Northernparent68!!

It’s true though.

When someone suffers from depression and anxiety in the long term, it's stressful for everyone (including the sufferer, obviously). People can get fed up. But comments like "You're just lazy" and "You look OK" don't sound like a decent, normally caring person who's snapped out of tiredness. That sounds like someone who doesn't believe or doesn't care that the sufferer is depressed.

Possibly ravenmum, but maybe the op’s husband is at the end of his tether.

But maybe you're projecting @ravenmum??

Sorry ravenmum, I meant maybe @Northernparent68 is projecting!!! :-0

Sorry to hear that your dh is being unsupportive, and it must be very galling to find that he can respond to his brother but not you. Perhaps some counselling to explore ways of dealing with how this makes you feel. I have experienced something similar with my exh,another nail in the coffin. Hope he steps up to the mark very soon

Maybe I am projecting but that does n’t mean my point has no value, and I’m not the only person on this thread whose projecting.

Have you read the bloody post, Northernparent?

The op says he never listens!

There is no reason to believe he won’t be using the same support methods with his brother as he does with the OP. Many people respond badly to depression and anxiety in others. Often saying the wrong thing and piling on pressure.

Supporting someone with depression requires a lot of effort to ensure you say it the right thing in the right way. Even when you want to scream and say snap out of it. Even when they never hear the great things you are saying.

Depression sucks for everyone not just the sufferer. People don’t always understand it and don’t say the right things.