How would you feel if your DP spoke about his ex like this...?

[SuspiciousMind007]

Been seeing this guy for about 5 months do not long, its been going well. Slowly, very slowly but lovely.

Anyway, we are early 40s, she is mid thirties. They split 5 years ago and have an 8 year old DD, he has her 2/3 nights a week but I've not met her yet.

He often seems to be quietly exasperated with ex due to lateness, forgetting things etc. I commented on how she seems to be very disorganised and how it would drive me nuts but he seems quite forgiving.

He said it caused major problems when they were together, especially after they'd had their daughter but none of them realised she had ADHD then so now he tries to make more allowances for her and is used to it. He said she is an 'amazing person and an amazing mum'.

He opened up bit about why they split. He said he wasn't ready to be a father, they'd planned the pregnancy but when the baby came along it was a shock to his system. He said he admits he made mistakes with how he treated his ex and 'messed up' although there was no affair. And by the time he realised he was an idiot it was too late. He was very 'that's life'about it and insists he's over it.

She met someone about a year after the split who she's now engaged to. My BF says he had a lot of problems with jealousy about her DP's relationship with their DD so decided not to date for a while. I'm the first time he's dated anyone for more than a couple of months.

Does it sound like she's his 'one that got away'. The way he spoke i felt like he'd almost 'resigned' himself to a life without his wife and daughter and he's making the best of it. I really like him but I'm not sure I want to be someones 'ah well' person, not the 'amazing' one? On the other hand, I'm not sure if I should just give him credit for being honest and admitting his faults and is now moving on.

He sounds like a decent bloke who has learned from his mistakes to me.

I’d be more worried about the ‘my ex is a psycho’ kind of chap, tbh.

However, dating someone with history can take a bit of doing - you have to be pretty secure in yourself to cope with it, in my experience. So if it’s not for you, that’s fine. You are allowed to decide what you can cope with.

No it definitely doesn't, it means you've got yourself a decent chap probably.

It's the ones who slag the ex/make their lives difficult who are best avoided.

I'd give him a lot of credit for that, he sounds very decent. If he's still feeling a bit mopy about it, that partly shows that he is capable of romantic feelings, and partly that he might not really be in the right place to date yet. It does take a while to adjust, even if when you know you weren't really made for one another. Personally I found that I needed to date for a while without strings, just to get back in a non-married mindset. I'd be a bit wary that he might not be ready for anything serious yet. But wouldn't write him off entirely. It takes a while to fall in love.

I feel a bit reassured now thank you.

I just couldnt get past his liberal use of the word 'amazing'. Somehow 'great person, great mum' sounds much less emotional than 'amazing person, amazing mum'.

It's stuck in my head

If you feel uncomfortable, perhaps you should bring it up, and say that he doesn't sound as if he's over her, or ready to really fall in love with someone new.

You're in your 40s; I'm guessing you're not hoping to have children with him? I started dating again in that position and it took me a while to realise that it's actually quite liberating. I'm not in any rush to settle down with someone. I can just wait and see what happens.

Some people just attach less weight to descriptive words than others: his “amazing” may well equal your “great”. I have a couple of exes I’d describe as superb human beings, because they are - but there’s no regret that we’re not still together. I think it’s probably harder for people who’ve only experienced bad relationship endings to identify with how some people have had reasonable ones.

He does just sound like a decent guy who recognises he fucked up, has learned from it and is (hopefully) resolved not to make the same mistake twice and is more emotionally literate with himself than average. It also sounds like he’s more conflicted about not being in his daughter’s life full time rather than not being with his ex, which I imagine is normal for a lot of people with kids.

Take things as they happen. Don’t overthink.

I think thats why it got to me Comtesse, he's not a very emotional descriptive person generally. He's funny in a grumpy way. It genuinely surprised me he was so complimentary about her.

He even said that they'd been part of a big circle of friends for years before they got together and all their mates had told him he was a dick to let her get away.

I just suddenly feel very inferior. I will see how it goes but I don't want to be jealous, so I nay walk away. Your comments have all helped me feel steadier about it though thank you

It's a very good sign that he speaks respectfully and positively of the mother of his child.
I know theres so much emphasis on competition between women that it seems wrong to hear a man praise an ex but in my experience these are the best men.
It's clearly over between them and has been for a long time. But its clearly taken a while for him to get to the stage of dating seriously again. For me that would imply that he takes relationships pretty seriously.

I mean ask yourself if youd really want a man who said negative things about a woman he fathered a child with? If they can say it about an ex they can end up saying it about you. And equally if they were so in love with an ex and still care about them... they have much more chance of actually caring about you and that being a deep and consistent thing.