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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My relationship is leaving me mentally broken

21 replies

nowheretorunorhide · 26/02/2019 10:02

My relationship is abusive and I've realised I need to get out. My DP is controlling, manipulative and nasty. We have been together 18 months and he has slowly chipped away at my self esteem and criticised my parenting and weight. My children, especially my oldest (6 y/o) dislike him and don't want to be near him. I am doing everything I can to find a home and get out as quickly as possible, but between this, finding a new school and nursery and trying to work 5 days a week, I am broken.

I rarely get much sleep as my head won't switch off and my selfish dp keeps me up by playing games on his PS4 until 3/4am. I am trying to mentally prepare to leave and all the abuse I will get when I do go, but I just want to hide and cry right now. I know I need to be strong for my children, but it is so hard.

I have found out about all my dp past criminal convictions of harassment, stalking and restraining orders. I know this will be the same for me and it's like preparing yourself ready to go into battle when I do leave.

Despite it all and realising that it was abuse and about finding out about his past from his ex and what hell he made her life, I still have feelings for him and know I will miss him and it will hurt. I think it maybe the lie he sold me that I'm grieving the most. He can be extremely charming, but I know that none of this is real and it's just a ploy to suck you in.

Sorry for long post, I just wanted to get it off my chest.

OP posts:
Wild123 · 26/02/2019 10:04

Sorry you are going through this OP.

Have you contacted Womens Aid? If not i would recommend you do.

averystrangeweek · 26/02/2019 10:08

What are your living arrangements? Are you living with him in his property?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/02/2019 10:12

Use both the Rights of Women and Womens Aid organisations here to further help you get to a place of safety asap. It will also do your children no favours at all for them to remain at all in such an abusive environment, you realise this.

Original poster
nowheretorunorhide · 26/02/2019 10:28

@Wild123 I have been speaking to womans aid who have put me in touch with a local DV charity, unfortunately I don't see them until next Monday for my appointment (I've been waiting over a week).

@averystrangeweek I live with him and he's the only one on the mortgage. Right now he's actually being really nice, as I suspect he thinks I might leave. He's already made comments about feeling suicidal if I leave, which I was expecting, but it won't work and it's not my problem.

OP posts:
DiaryofWimpyMumm · 26/02/2019 15:12

I hope you can find a safe way to leave this toxic environment. My ex husband was the same, thankfully we're not together any more.

Lozzerbmc · 26/02/2019 15:29

So sorry OP you are going through this- do you have any family to support you? You wont miss him you’ll miss the dream of what you hoped he would be. Please get all the support available for you and your DCs

Carblover · 26/02/2019 17:19

Hi OP I've read your original thread under this name and your new one today..under a different name and I'm so sorry to hear your going through this... but I'm glad that the good and knowledgeable people on MN are giving you great advice which you are taking...
In your other thread today you talk about viewing a house tonight which would be immediately available ...i really hope that hasn't fallen through, as you need as every one agrees to get out asap in a safe managed way
Fingers crossed and good luck its still going ahead so you have a light at the end of the tunnel

Original poster
nowheretorunorhide · 27/02/2019 13:55

@Carblover I saw the house last night, but they don't want to rent to me as i'm getting UC. I've gone on the housing list, but it's 56 days before I can bid and they have no emergency housing in my area, so I could end up anywhere and be moved every few days. I keep looking for private and see the council on the 8th March. My only option might be a refuge. I see a local DV charity next Monday. I'm feeling so emotional and exhausted by the whole situation.

OP posts:
CassettesAreCool · 27/02/2019 14:03

OP you are absolutely doing all the right things and thinking clearly in what is such a stressful situation. Wishing you all the strength and luck in the world Flowers

Carblover · 27/02/2019 15:03

I am so sorry to hear that .it must just add to your frustration ....you really don't need the system to be failing you as well as your partner
As earlier posters have said , you are doing all the right things and hopefully every day of your preparations will keep you going as you get to the day your free...it will happen and you and your children will start to live again Flowers

sheryl77 · 27/02/2019 16:20

I'm sorry you are going through this. I went through the same thing for many years (17 to be precise) and it got worse when my son was born. Chipping away at my self esteem and making me out to be a bad parent.

I left 3 weeks ago and haven't looked back. GET OUT. Get your self esteem back and stop setting for second best...Good luck to you, you deserve better, I promise you..

sheryl77 · 27/02/2019 16:20

I mentally prepared for about six months to a year and then left...

sheryl77 · 27/02/2019 16:26

PM if you want....I have a 4 year old and he's very happy and its only been 3 weeks since I left..Kids pick up on stuff and will be happier when mummy is happy x

percheron67 · 27/02/2019 16:58

I really feel for you, OP. I know just how demoralising verbal battery can be. Good for you -you have recognised the ways in which it is affecting you and doing something about it. Well done you!!

Original poster
nowheretorunorhide · 28/02/2019 09:20

Thanks all. I was kept up another night by my selfish partner playing games until 2am. Before work he criticised me for not earning enough money as I only work 30 hours a week. I'm already tired working these hours with two small children. He just loves to make me feel shit. I hate him. I hate not being able to leave this situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
nowheretorunorhide · 21/03/2019 10:42

Just an update that I managed to leave and go to a refuge last week. The kids are happier already and I am beginning to heel. Thank you to you all who have helped me to leave and see the light.

OP posts:
adulthumanwolf · 21/03/2019 11:05

Well done OP. Has he left you alone?

letsdolunch321 · 21/03/2019 11:11

Take it all one day at a time.

Onwards and upwards 💐

MoBiroBo · 21/03/2019 11:39

Well done, such a difficult thing to do, the right thing, but difficult. But you have done it, allow yourself to feel proud of that. Write down how you feel now so you can look at it and remind yourself. Flowers

Babdoc · 21/03/2019 11:46

That’s wonderful news! Well done, that must have taken courage and strength. Be proud of yourself. Catch up on some decent sleep, have a breathing space, rebuild your self esteem, and make plans for a happy future, free of that vile bloke and his abuse. Sending a hug and some encouragement to keep going.

Seniorschoolmum · 21/03/2019 11:50

Well done OP. Share a relaxed and happy Mother’s Day with your children. Cake

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