What should I do about this?

[LunaLovesMe]

Some background: DH and I been together about twelve years, married for seven. We have a profoundly disabled DD who I care for, and I am autistic myself, which I try not to let impact DH much.

We have been through a tough patch that lasted a couple of years, but things have been improving. But one thing that was particularly difficult was that DH spends a lot of time on hobbies out of the house and also no longer talks to me much. Not unfriendly, just very hard to engage him in conversation and he never never never talks to me about feelings any more. Not anything that worries him, nor anything nice either. If I tell him I love him, he will say he loves me too, but has to kind of tease me too. Like "Love you too, silly."

I'm exhausted from the caring and the battle for services for our DD and it's taken a toll on my mental health.

He goes to a club twice a week for a hobby, and is part of a group of friends there. Two men, two women. The other man in the group has left his wife and paired up with one of the women, which has kind of left DH and the other woman (who is 25 to his 40) to hang out.

DH has always had female friends, and it's never worried me. I'm not a jealous person by nature. But I've started to feel uneasy about it, because I know they chat a lot by messenger. And they have a lot of interests in common (as do we, but because of my caring I don't have time to pursue them any more, and he's not interested when I have suggested it).

The other night he was looking at his phone while we were watching TV and I tried to hug him and he quickly turned Messenger off, but not before I saw her name at the top of the window.

This morning I asked if he had any cash on him to pay for a school trip for DS - DH has a trade and he has been out of the house LOADS lately in the evenings and weekends doing private work, think like 5-6 nights a week with that and the club.

But he only had £10 cash, where normally he would have at least £100. He's been doing this private work for the woman - so he's either not charged her or he's not working at all.

So I logged in on his laptop to read their messages. I know that's wrong, but I needed to know.

I don't think they are having an affair. There was nothing to show that. But they have pet names for each other - she is Elf and he is Dwarf. They send hugs to each other every morning and night. He confided in her about how worried he is about his nan's poor health. She talked to him about online dating and how bad it is - he said people would be lucky to have her. He also praises her constantly, how good she is at her job, how nice she is, how she should be more appreciated etc.

That goes beyond a friendship, doesn't it? I would never talk to a male friend like that, it would be disrespectful to my husband.

So I need to know what I do now. Do I let this carry on to the point where something happens? Trust that he won't let it get that far? If I confront him about it then he will be furious and upset that I don't trust him enough to read my messages.

I am worried it may break up our marriage if I do anything about it. I can't afford for him to leave us, with our disabled DD I can't work and I don't have enough to live on and we are in a UC area.

Please give me some gentle advice. I'm sorry if I have done the wrong thing here at any point, my autism means I struggle a bit with social rules etc.

The pet names is a bit off, as are the am and pm hugs. Sounds like he is freezing you out. So e may call it an emotional affair.

I don't think the conversations you have noted are, of themselves, concerning. Discussing things that worry you and bolstering a friends self esteem aren't unusual. However add in the freezing you out, pet names and hugs, I'd be cranky myself.

What can you do? Are you able to get some respite care for your daughter so that you and hubby can start to reconnect?

Sadly austerity has killed off the respite. We get very very little, nothing we don't pay for, and money is tight.

We've been trying to reconnect a lot, a weekend away with the help of my mum, and every Friday evening together. But talking is a huge problem. Getting him not to be monosyllabic with me is a constant effort. Not in a nasty way, he just doesn't elaborate on anything he says. I don't get anecdotes or anything even. He doesn't share anything with me, he just treats me like I'm a bit mentally slow.

It's been really hard and I know it was difficult for him while I struggled with my mental health, but I was very resentful at the time because I could have done with some bolstering and I didn't get it. And now he's giving it to someone who doesn't need it!

Reading that made me so sad for you. They are both flirting. She telling him how crap online dating in was an invitation for him to see how great she is and he took the bait

Sounds like he has emotionally and physically opted out of your relationship. He doesn't talk to you and he makes sure his time physically at home is limited.

Do you want to fight for him and your relationship? In your shoes, I wouldn't bother.

If you say you saw the messages, you will be the crazed, paranoid wife and he the lonely downtrodden husband.

How would you like things to be?

Say* how great she is

That's a good question. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't love me any more. But I can't support us as a family by myself either, not in our situation. Even if I could somehow get proper care for DD, my autism means I burn out very quickly while working. I've never held a job down for more than a year in my life. So our practical situation isn't great if we split up.

It sounds like a classic scenario. At home he has you who is his faithful wife, ground down by caring for his disabled child and struggling with her own mental health.

Whilst out at his "hobby" he can have carefree fun with a 25 year old single woman with no stresses, no disabled child to struggle against the system for, all fun and roses.

He is weak. You ask what to do. I would have a think and ask myself do I want to save this marriage. Not for financial reasons but because you love him and think you can have a good relationship together.

Depending on the result of this thinking, I would look up on the entitled to website, speak to a solicitor etc. Or sit him down and tell hin that you have to have a very serious conversation about your futures. Yes home life is tough but can you together make it more enjoyable in order to protect your marriage?

And he would have to get another "hobby". I hope you have one too!

It’s an emotional affair. It’s beyond a friendship. He’s investing emotional energy in her that he should be investing in you and your DD.

Sadly there’s every chance this will go further, if it hasn’t already.

Personally I would confront him because he’s mentally checked out of your relationship anyway. I’d rather he was in or out of the relationship and if it’s left it’s more of a slow death of the relationship, but still kind of inevitable.

I do understand people who just leave it and hope for the best though.

If you do talk to him about it, I wouldn’t tell him you’ve read the messages, I’d just say it’s obvious from his attitude & behaviour etc that he has checked out of your relationship and is interested in her.

I’m really sorry. It’s shit anyway but when you have a disabled child you do all the care for it’s so much worse.

Sounds like you are with him for financial reasons. If you split, he would have to support his child. You may well be entitled to more than you think given your own health issues.

If I were you, I'd be finding out what you would be entitled to. There are many single mums on here that can offer you better and more informative advice.

Please don't waste your precious life on a man that treats you badly because you think you can't cope without him. And ignoring you and having an emotional affair IS treating you badly.

We often don't realise the strong stuff we are made of till the shit hits the fan.

Don't underestimate yourself and think you can't survive without him xxx

Classic scenario for emotional affair, I'm afraid, so sorry. The OW in my situation also used to go on about dating being bad etc to garner some kind of reaction from my ex. Also, the other friend leaving his wife for the OW....that will probably be prompting your OH that he could do the same.

The fact they have pet names and message each other each day and night with hugs is sickening. Who does he think he is fooling? This is what he should be doing with you, not her.

I agree with the PP, you can and will survive without him. He's being so disrespectful. I'd call him out on it and say you have suspicions he has checked out from your relationship. See what his reaction is like and that will be very telling. But ultimately it will be up to you. I left my ex immediately after finding the messages between him and the OW. I wasn't going to be treated that way and deserved better.

Please don't be the woman trapped in a relationship just for convenience. There is a way forward out of this x

I think you shiould see a solicitor to ascertain exactly what you could expect in terms of maintenance (child and spousal). Also, ask about including something in the divorce agreement about the practical support he must offer (e.g. he has DD overnight on certain - set -nights). The financial and practical situations may not be as awful as you envisage.