Single after 25 years

[Sammie68]

Hi everyone, hoping to get some guidance, words of wisdom, experiences of others. My husband told me he loved me but didn’t love me anymore after 20 years of marriage. Turns out he is having an affair and is still with her. We’ve been separated now for 7 months and have two teenagers. I’m getting used to being on my own which is hard at times, keep going over things in my head, worry about the future, worry about my boys who are not good st talking. I won’t accept the OW ever and it will kill me if he introduces her to them. Has anyone been through this and does the hurt go, the anxiety of all these thoughts in my head. Going through a divorce now and wonder how you should deal/treat ex after what he has done. Easy if you could just walk away but when you have kids there will always be a link. It’s so hard.

Sorry for your pain. Let the boys know you are always there for them to talk to if they want, but they may choose to talk to each other or friends instead. I know what it's like to keep going over stuff, try to keep busy in other ways, consider counselling. Unfortunately if the boys agree he will introduce her at some point and it's best if you can try to be neutral at least in front of them. Always painful when a long relationship ends and you need time to grieve

Thanks for replying. I’ve had counselling but need to go through process now. It’s heartbreaking. All of it.

So sorry OP its horrible i know my exh did same we had been married 14 yrs no DCs but had been TTC with ivf and it caused a pressure. He got OW pregnant which was painful. (I have a ds now though). All i can say is you get bad days then not so bad days and it gradually gets better. Do things that make you feel good and dont be hard on yourself. Be kind to yourself. It takes time to work through grieving process. I though i’d never get over it but i did and have no feelings for exh at all now.

Sammie, I was in the exact same situation as you. Married for 20 years (together 28), two teenagers and separated due to him having multiple affairs. He too is now with his affair partner, she was also married.

I wont lie, I did go through a tough time mentally, I found the divorce difficult as it was the finality of it I think, but we were separated longer than you before divorce proceedings, I think a quicker divorce is better as it doesn't drag it out as much.

I am 3 years on from there now, and things are a lot better. During the 3 years I had quite a few woe is me moments, sometimes I just lay on the sofa for the entire weekend if the dc were at their dad (he doesn't see them now but that is a whole other issue) and binge watched series. Looking back i was a complete slob during those times, but I needed to do it. I don't regret it as i was just me time, non thinking time, as I do tend to overthink massively.

There are so many benefits. I am less stressed and so are the dc. We have formed such a good bond now, as its just the 3 of us in it together. We are open and discuss how are are, although my eldest ds does battle to get his thoughts out so when it happens its like a volcano erupting, but its ok. Its out then and we discuss whatever we need to, have a plan of action and do it.

With regards to how to treat ex. We tried to remain amicable through out it all, but truthfully, it is very difficult. Bearing in mind he has ow on his side and her wants and needs are being taking into consideration, whereas my whole focus is on the dc. So at this point in time we only speak if we have to, I would rather have it that way as i get upset as he still comes out with packs of lies.

I haven't mentioned all the benefits of getting out of an unhappy marriage, but there are so many. In myself, I am a better person. I am happier. I look happier. I get compliments all the time about how good I am looking now. If i look back at photos of during the marriage, it so difficult to see, I just looked so sad ALL THE TIME. Its so obvious now but I was flogging a dead horse and it was doing me no good. (he had affairs previously as we tried to make it work, it didn't). I changed what we ate, as I wasn't just eating what everyone else wanted to, I lost weight and that alone gave me so much more confidence.

I did have a very strong mindset that I would never move on to a new relationship, I really felt that I couldn't go through all of that again and felt i no longer had it in me to give what a relationship needs. And I was happy with that decision. Someone came along not that long ago that wasn't expected, and i think i am getting a little more used to the idea of moving on it that area as well now, but I am just taking a slow, just day to day as it's clear I am suffering from some issues due to the breakup.

It still early days for you and there is a process you will be going through, upset, anger etc. You have to go through it though, to heal. But there are many of us in and been in your situation and for those who are coming through the other side, I find the majority as so much better off mentally.

Please don't let your children become aware of your opposition to them meeting OW. It's not something you can, or should, prevent and if they know you're opposed to it, it will be hugely damaging. Best of luck with moving on, some excellent advice and stories above.

Thank you so much for your reply it’s really helpful to me. I hope I can move on and be happy x

Very hard to accept the OW who knew my husband was married and still went there. That’s why I find it hard to accept her. If he moves on to another I won’t have an issue.

@Sammie68 I am just heading out to work so just a quick reply. I could have pretty much written your post and think I am pretty much on the same timeline as you (except STBxh introduced OW to the kids a WEEK after announcing the split!).

If you feel like it might be helpful to chat to someone going through the same thing feel free to drop me a message.

Hi OP. I am in a very similar position to you regarding time frames and 2 young adult DC. In my situation, I was very unhappy in my marriage for years owing to H's inability to show me love/affection, his (subtle) controlling and him always putting others before me and DC. In the end, I hit the bottle and was abusive on two occasions and embarrassing behaviour on many others. He had an emotional affair and then left to start a physical affair with her. We reunited for a brief spell as he wanted to come back but it didn't work - nothing had changed, he remained the same and the relationship still made me feel crap. When he left, I had actually got my drinking under control but when he came back, I noticed the desire to drink to oblivion again and I did it on occasion when "he" made me feel like shit. I recognise that the decision to drink was purely mine and he is not to blame for that - but the relationship completely destroyed my self esteem and he couldn't (wouldn't?) change is hurtful behaviours. He is now back with her despite telling me there was nothing between them and he found her boring!

I think we had to give it a try to be sure but deep down we both knew we were flogging a dead horse. Trying to keep it civil for all our sakes but its hard - there was an incident last week that upset my DC but didn't involve me so I am trying to support them without saying anything too negative about their dad. Its hard because I want to acknowledge their feelings are valid but not slag him off.

I feel so much better now but still sad that my marriage didn't survive. I used to fear growing old alone but now have come to accept that there are no guarantees for anyone. I am not interested in meeting anyone else at the moment, just enjoying being completely selfish and not having to ask permission to spend my own money!

With regards to DC - would echo what others say and try not to get too defensive/negative about OW. They will form their own opinions but even though they are older children, their dad going is still a loss to them and they will be trying to make sense of that.

I think if your DC see that you are "ok", then they will be too. Please don't hit the bottle like I did or call out the OW to them - that's what your friends are for!!

It really does get easier and I hope you feel that way soon.

Very hard to accept the OW who knew my husband was married and still went there. That’s why I find it hard to accept her.

Indeed - but remember you have no idea what he has told her about you/your relationship. She probably thinks she is rescuing him from some dreadful situation at home (although in my case, arguably she was ), that he hasn't loved you for ages and that he's trying to do the right thing by the kids etc.

Very hard to accept the OW who knew my husband was married and still went there

Yes Sammie, this is a big part of what you are dealing with. I had the same thoughts, it is a massive thing to have to accept. The OW was married herself. So some time down the line, I now just sit back and wonder to myself how secure both of them must feel in their relationship, as the fact of the matter is, they are both cheaters. I wonder if there is that thought in both of their minds of, is he/she going to be faithful to me?.....

Tbh I think he will cheat again. He has done it so many times before. And i actually knew the OW and when I first asked him about her, of course he denied it. And he bad mouthed her in the most awful way. The way he spoke of her was as if she repulsed him. Now they are getting married. I doubt I will ever understand why he said those things. But I am pretty sure he told her a pack of lies about me too.

You don't have to accept anything about her OP. You have to tolerate talking about her to your boys for their sake. It was his doing and his choice and you will need to move on from that, what he does it HIS choice. You make your choices now and they dont have to include being accepting. She knew he was married, yes. She has to live with that. Do you think she lays there at night wondering if he will cheat on her too? How can she think otherwise. He did it to you.

It will get better.

Thank you all for your replies the fact you have all been through this and are coming out the other end happier makes me positive. Also thanks for advice re boys I’m sure they are hurting too but wont open up so hope they are speaking to friends. They are my world and I want to be strong for them.

Can you ever really be friends with your ex after the way they have treated you? It’s very raw for me and if we didn’t have children I’d never want to have anything to do with him. We will always have that link now. Does time change this?