Struggling to cope with my mum’s grief

[Helpmac42]

Hi everyone I wondered if anyone could help me with some advice. I am an only child and my dad died nearly 3 years ago. My mum is isolated, over an hour away with no family nearby and few friends. I am really struggling to juggle supporting her with my own family life, two children under 8, full time work and spending time with my husband. She is depressed and constantly reinforces messages of how alone she is, her life is finished, everyone would be happier if I was gone and so on. She has little filter in terms of what she says to me. She complains of frequent ailments. These often worsen if I am around or in the lead up to me taking her away somewhere. Recently she has become more inclined to not even switch off her negative depressing commentary when my children are there. I phone her nearly every day. I try to see her once a fortnight. She places a lot of responsibility on me for sorting out her decorating, household repairs etc. She talks about moving house nearer to me but then says she feels she cannot do this. She is depressed but refuses any counselling. She is reluctant to stay with family (plane journey away). I find myself increasingly lacking in empathy and on a few occasions I have become very angry with her, inappropriately so. This when it happens makes her more sad and then she says she is sorry she is annoying me etc. I then feel tremendously guilty. I find the whole situation very draining and it makes me more upset and lacking in patience at home. I miss my dad a great deal, he was the coper and organiser. My mum relied on him to make decisions etc.

I feel overwhelmed at what I think is the real likelihood that my mum will always be like this and how I can cope and support her without losing my temper. It is damaging our relationship badly.

Does anyone have any helpful advice?

Sorry for the loss of your dad - this must be so hard for you. Ive no real experience to offer but recall my grandmother after losing my grandad. My dad was the only child and he found it hard as she wanted him around a lot.

Is your mum well enough to go out and meet people? She sounds well but anxious? Can you help her engage in things going on in the community at the church or WI or similar. Are there any befriending volunteers locally? Hope you can get some support.

This is the truth: you cant save your mum, or rescue her from depression or make her a coper if she isn't/doesnt want to be. All you can do is support her but you need to balance the support you give with the needs of your own family, and with your own mental well-being.

I suggest that you sit down and work out what level of support you can reasonably offer and offer only that. Accept it may not be as much as she needs, and point her in the direction of alternative sources. Accept she may not want to engage with them and dont feel guilty.

Is she under the care of her GP for the depression? If not that is something that is worth pushing but again, its not your responsibility to make her engage.

If she really is going to be like this forever then better to choose a level of dngagement that you can sustain longterm w a reasonable amount of goodwill. Cut back on phone cslls and visits til you find it.

How old is your mum. Is moving closer to you feasible?

That is hard. Your mum is making it impossible for you to help her. If she refuses to help herself, you can't help her either.

What was she like before your Dad died? My guess is that she was similar but relied on him for attention and support so it wasn't as noticeable.

She does sound very manipulative- all you can do is limit the impact her guilt inducing behaviour has on you. I think some counselling would be useful for you.

You really can't change her behaviour but you can try to work out how to make her more bearable.

Actually, @BarbarianMum answer has everything you need to know/do. Really good advice.

As someone said on another thread, put on your own oxygen mask first. Your DM is probably not going to change. You could have one day when you don't phone, tell her you have started a hobby, so that you can have a break. Does she have a cleaner who will chat to her, this will give her someone else to focus on. Your DM is actually very fortunate that you live fairly close, what would she do if you lived much further away ? You sound like you are doing everything that you can so far

Hello, I am in a very similar situation to you - only child, young DC, depressed Mum - except it's been 5 years since Dad passed. Mum lives in the same city to me but doesn't much like visitors as she is a bit of a hoarder, so we speak on the phone most days or she comes round for dinner.

I have had to take a step back and try to disengage a little from her problems. I work almost full time and with a child as well, it's hard to give her the time she would ideally like. She is an adult and I can't fix all her problems for her, it's up to her to engage and I can only encourage. Also, my own mental health was suffering and I had to ask her to pipe down a little on the constant negative drip-feed.

You're not alone OP, from reading the boards here a lot of people have difficult relationships with their mother. Best wishes x

Op.
I’m 25 years into a similar situation. Nip it in the bud now. My mother thinks she’s the only widow in the world, its getting worse.
Granted dad died in his early fifties, but she does have three kids. Some friends. Her own house etc.. its very wearing.
Can she move nearer to you etc
I wish you all the best especially as you are having to deal with it on your own

Hi op,

I'm sorry about the loss of your dad..
I'm in more or less the same situation.
My dad died really suddenly and unexpectedly 5 years ago in early 60s- leaving mum at 59...

I'd describe my mum as almost a manic depressive. Some days are fine, others are awful. She thinks she's the only one in this situation. She will compare herself to others, but it's always worse for her. Every time.

If I'm ill- she's ill too, but worse. If I'm tired, then she hasn't slept at all- so obviously much worse. Everything is like a competition and she has to be the winner in terms of being worse off. I don't bother telling her anymore.

I've been in the position of deliberately not speaking her for days at a time, as I haven't got the headspace to deal with it. Then suddenly, she'll do an about turn and it'll be ok for a bit.

She has joined several groups/social things and I suspect she is fine whilst there. Then she'll be back at home complaining about everything.

She helps me once a week with collecting my children from school when I'm at work. There, she is the dutiful grandmother. Afterwards, she complains that she is exhausted because she had to have the children and she hadn't slept the night before.
Or she gets a cold, and she'll blame the children even though she'll have been to half a dozen other places with other people that week.

Etc etc etc....

I do sympathise greatly.

I've coped by simply pulling back a bit. I use the after school club wherever possible so she doesn't have to pick up the children. Or I work the weekends when my husband is at home. I don't always phone. And I'm not always available... And I try not to feel guilty.

I've also found a few home truths haven't gone astray at times. (Said as diplomatically as possible) They have been a good wake up call for her.

Some things have slowly improved- for example she's always relied on my dad to do certain jobs and roles- she's learnt to do a lot of these herself now. Which was good for her self esteem.

One of the biggest things I found that helped, was changing the way we do things. For example Christmas. It was never going to be the same- so don't try and keep it as it was before. Doing it completely differently was better for everyone, mum including. It meant we couldn't compare. I apply this to as many things as possible. Maybe you could encourage her to do the same.

I don't know how to send private messages on here, but if you do, and every fancy a chat, I'd be happy to talk...

Look after yourself...

Winesolveseverything - I totally agree with doing some things differently like Christmas, it has worked well for my family

I was widowed two years ago and the impact on my normally cheerful disposition has been huge. I know in theory that I am lucky (no money worries, lovely family, good friends etc) but it's hard to move on. However, I do know that I have a responsibility - to my elderly mum and my kids / grandchildren. I don't want them worrying about me or feeling that I am their problem to solve. So I act happy and, strangely enough, that's sometimes enough to make me feel happy.
Your mum is being very selfish, and that she has got herself stuck in the misery rut. Bottom line is that she's not your responsibility and, as others have said, even if she were, you can't fix things for her. Only she can do that. So please step back a bit, and gently tell her why if you can. Home truths can be useful, especially when offered by someone who loves you. And maybe call on her for emotional or practical support if that's appropriate. Being of use has helped me feel that I might still have a purpose. Good luck. You sound like a fabulous daughter.