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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I washed up?

29 replies

Esmeralda67 · 25/02/2019 20:25

As a woman over 50 who is fat and opinionated and now (happily) separated after over 25 years married, will any man ever be interested in me again or should I accept it's over for me? I don't want marriage but a man who is good company and some sex would be very welcome. I haven't been on a date since Thatcher was in number 10 so where do women start in this situation?

OP posts:

Travisandthemonkey · 25/02/2019 20:55

Well I wouldn’t say so. I would hope that men aren’t such stereotypes that they all want someone young with no personal views.

How are you going to know unless you go out and find out for yourself!

I am 10 years younger, but fat and opinionated, I hope there is someone who likes me out there!!

And my mum is also fat and opinionated and spent 25 years married. She met her dp at 57. He isn’t fat, but he is opinionated (though not as much as her!) and they seem very happy!

Travisandthemonkey · 25/02/2019 20:57

Also she met her dp through mutual friends. There were a lot of divorcees/some widowed at her age/group.
So I would start with expanding friends groups? Hobbies?
The dreaded OLD

Original poster

Esmeralda67 · 25/02/2019 21:20

The world of on line dating seems very alien to me. All I read suggests predatory men who lie and seduce then clear off. I don't know if my perimenopausal ovaries are trying for one last go but I suddenly seem to fancy random blokes and am no longer as happy comtemplating an entirely celibate future, but I don't want to be treated badly either. I really don't want to make a fool of myself.

OP posts:

Isawthesignanditopenedupmyeyes · 25/02/2019 21:26

I’m on the verge of splitting with my H after 26 years and I’m fat, opinionated and early-mid forties. I’m terrified, I think the fat will be the things that holds me back and am going to try and lose it for me first then hopefully I will have the confidence to move forward. A miserable marriage has left me without confidence and let myself go. I wonder if when you call yourself fat there may be abc element of this with you too? Otherwise I think fat and confident is no barrier to sex/love!

Moralitym1n1 · 25/02/2019 21:57

As a skinny female, I can assure you I am far from many men's cup of tea. It is clear the prefer more to cuddle, more boobage etc.

I am opinionated though so I can't comment on that part.

Moralitym1n1 · 25/02/2019 21:58

*they prefer

Moralitym1n1 · 25/02/2019 21:59

Anyway no-ones washed up - my 90 something grandmother has an 'admirer'.

Original poster

Esmeralda67 · 25/02/2019 23:05

I think the suggestion of "first I'll lose the weight and then move forward" is more of a problem. I have seen women lose decades of their lives dieting and failing and waiting to be the right size so that they can achieve what they want. I think accepting one is fat is not necessarily a sign of low confidence. It can be self acceptance.

OP posts:

HappyLife21 · 25/02/2019 23:35

Being washed up is one of those things where if you think you are or you think you aren’t, you’re probably right.

wishywashy6 · 25/02/2019 23:45

No you're certainly not washed up!

Expand your social circle, try a new hobby, sign up to a class. Do things for you.
Online dating is an option and yes while it may be full of horror stories it's not all bad if you keep your wits about you and assume everyone is talking bollocks until you've actually met and got to know them. (Biased as I met my partner online 😬)
If you decide to venture down that route the dating thread on here is great and there are plenty of people in your age group who can maybe advise you better than me.

Tennesseewhiskey · 26/02/2019 05:01

The issue is that if you think you are washed up, that usually reflects in your demeanor.

If you don't think you are worthy, no one else will.

The weight, that's up to you if you want to do something about it. You don't have to spend years losing your life to a diet. You could just decide to be healthy, eat better and move a bit more. For yourself, not to be more attractive. If you don't want to, that's fine too. Men don't have a set type. Different men find different things attractive.

On the opinionated, it depends on what you mean. I am opinionated and dp loves it. He would hate my tomato Express my opinion. But some people take that too far, theres a thread on here at the moment from a woman who alienates people as she falls out with people everytime she is in a social setting because she wont accept other opinions. Regardless of dating, that's not a great thing.

LadyRochfordsSpangledGusset · 26/02/2019 05:36

Where has this myth sprung from that you have to be overweight or a certain age to have strong opinions?

Seriously though whatever you do if it's an activity you enjoy that gets you meeting new people, OLD or just meeting through friends
thinking positively and ignoring the idiots, there will always be some, is the way forward.

Look around you at couples, all ages, all sizes, with their own beliefs/opinions etc U'm sure.

Go for it OP and good luck.

LadyRochfordsSpangledGusset · 26/02/2019 05:37

*I'm

Original poster

Esmeralda67 · 26/02/2019 14:07

I think that I am afraid of "putting myself out there" after decades of being in a couple only to face potential rejection and humiliation. I understand there are no guarantees but I suppose it is about the odds. Also I am not prepared to accept just any old bloke just to avoid being lonely. Being by myself would be better than that. Would like some male company and some sex though.

OP posts:

stevie69 · 26/02/2019 14:45

This is my position. I work in a male dominated environment, many of the men being much younger than my early 50s. I like younger men If there's someone I take a shine to, I ask him whether he fancies coffee or dinner. He may say 'no', which is fine. He may say 'yes', which is great. He may go and laugh with all the other RAs in the staff room. But, you know what? His actions speak volumes about him and say nothing about me. And, .... I don't give a flying fuck anyway. I know the territory; I've been around. He's more than likely still in his 30s and getting to grips with life.

Follow your heart. Always. If you don't, you'll never know.

Oh, and your weight is irrelevant. I'm slim and opinionated. I get rejections. I get acceptances. Don't see much in the way of humiliation if that's any comfort.

Enjoy. You're here for a good time: not as long time.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 26/02/2019 14:51

I can tick all your boxes OP. Over 50, fat, opinionated. I met now DH on OD, but i interviewed very hard online and by telephone to weed out the unsuitables. I found it easier when you hadn't met, as it was just reasoning, sense and evidence, not complicated by having met them and the last clacking of my ovaries thinking for me Got married again 18 months. DH is a bit fat, but not quite so opinionated as me

ravenmum · 26/02/2019 14:54

My grandmother was overweight and married for the second and third times at 60 and 80. She was a sociable kind of a person, used to play bingo, that was her trick :)

Why are you so worried about them seducing you and then clearing off, if all you want is some company and sex? They should be worried about you seducing and dumping them .

wishywashy6 · 26/02/2019 15:26

Absolutely everything stevie said

GraceMarks · 26/02/2019 16:21

I'm approaching 40, fat, opinionated, and going through an early menopause. I would like to think that I'm not a complete write-off, but my hormones have also made me get terrible cystic acne and sprout hairs from highly visible parts of my face. I have some mental health issues and lack body confidence, so I personally made the decision not to pursue relationships, as I don't trust my ability to filter out the ones who home in on women with poor self-esteem. You sound more emotionally robust, though, and so long as you know what you want, I don't see why you shouldn't go for it. OLD is fine if you can be thick-skinned and not take rejection personally - everyone does get rejected to a certain extent, and it's usually nothing to do with any failing on your part, just that you can't expect to be everyone's cup of tea!

Vitalogy · 26/02/2019 17:11

No you aren't washed up OP. This though I really don't want to make a fool of myself. This is a chance we take but the rewards can be great! So what if we make a fool of ourselves, at least we've taken a shot at it. Better that than never tried in the first place when you would like to. That'd be the saddest thing. It's a case of taking a chance. Good luck.

MumCatx2 · 26/02/2019 22:37

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

Esmeralda67 · 27/02/2019 00:32

I sent this message out with some trepidation but actually feel like I might go for it after all. Watch this space...

OP posts:

Connieston · 27/02/2019 00:49

Plenty of men like a bigger girl. Honestly. I had

Connieston · 27/02/2019 00:51

Oops sent too soon. I had more responses online dating when I was bigger than not, and all sorts from 20 somethings upwards.

SurgeHopper · 27/02/2019 00:55

I have no idea about the dating etc but you sound fairly kick ass to me so I'm sure they'll be banging the bloody door down!

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