Can I trust him?

[Lozzerbmc]

I'm 49, DP is 54. Nasty shock on Saturday night when taking DP's phone off charge to charge mine - a tinder notification. We were in a hotel for a weekend away with DS age 11 and it was hard as we couldn't really discuss it. (As background before Xmas found he was on shaghunt again by chance - he was showing me something on his laptop not before I saw an email in his inbox. He said it was just a porn site and when I googled it realised it was a hook up site).

When home yesterday he said he was using it to meet new people nothing more - he feels lonely and has few friends and none nearby (he moved away 5 years ago from where he lived before, so we could move in together with our DS) he found work and the commute hard and felt terribly lonely. He is the boss of a small company so hard to socialise at work. He said he absolutely is not looking for someone else for a relationship or sex but he enjoyed "chatting". He says he loves me and does not want to be with anyone else. He does always talk of the future with me in it.

He's put on 4 stone since we met and doesn't feel good about himself; we haven't had sex either for a few years for that reason and others, one is my fault (I had early menopause and didnt feel like it, but libido returning) but I have been trying to reinitiate intimacy. He is much more adventurous than me and I have always felt a bit under pressure about that. He also has ED which I think is due to weight. He snores very badly so generally sleeps in spare room which doesn't help either!. I want to believe him and in my heart I mostly do; he is in a bit of crisis and feels lonely, but then why would you join a well known dating site? When he comes home tonight, I'll ask to look at his profile.

I realise this sounds like I am an idiot. What do you think wise mumsnetters?

He sounds like a cheat to me because who uses these sites to make friends? But if he's saying he's using these sites to make friends and nothing more, maybe ask if it's something you can do together. If there's nothing to hide I don't see him having an issue with that.

Alternatively, encourage him to find a hobby where he can meet people in the local area rather than meeting strangers on the internet who almost are looking for something more than friendship

Sorry OP but if he wants to chat and make friends there are many many ways to do that, none of which involve hookup sites

I think you're a mug if you believe this

He was on these sites at christmas and he still is. Nobody goes on tinder to make friends! He's cheating on you.

No I wouldn't trust him at all. He's already lied making out it was a porn site when you found out it was a hook up site. Making excuses for it saying he feels lonely, it's all to get you to feel sorry for him. Why choose a dating site where there will only be single women? If he was in fact lonely then why not look to find male friends of his own age through a hobby/meet up site etc? He can't be that lonely if he lives with you and your DS. None of it makes any sense. So sorry you're going through this

This sounds like a ‘non-relationship’

He’s already been caught looking at hookup sites in the past

He has ED

You haven’t had sex for years

What is this?!

Take up a sport
Go to the pub
Volunteer for a good cause
Take a class in something

^ all REASONABLE normal ways of meeting new friends

What your husband is doing is looking for sex, not friends

If I found what you have found my dh would be a stbexh right now.
Ltb op it won't get my better.

Thank you for your replies; you are so right - The ‘being lonely ‘ is just an excuse.

I think he is a dirty, cheating sleaze

I once had a partner who used to sext other women and escorts. He told me it was just a thrill and he had no intention of going through with it. He just did it 'innocently'.

I lost my mind over it. I will always remember being in a mental health appointment and telling the person trying to help me get well this story. He looked at me and told me I was talking rubbish. Of course it wasn't innocent.

I'm sorry OP. Your husband is a cheat. And he wants to do it plain under your nose.

You know tinder is not for friends.

If he’s looking for friends he’ll probably be chatting to men in their 50s. If he’s looking for a shag he’ll be talking to women in their 30s. Wonder which one it is.

If you believe his excuses you’re a mug, sorry . Only saving grace if you’ve haven’t had sex for years at least he won’t have given you an STI, but I would put money on his ED being guilt related. Or he’s just getting it elsewhere, so no need at home.

You can prob blame his Ed on excessive porn consumption and since it's no longer enough for him he's advanced to seeking out real women.

Don't listen to a word of it op. He's a chancer expecting you to believe he's just lonely and you'd be a complete fool if you did.

When he comes home tonight and you ask to see his profile and it has magically disappeared will you be surprised?

@Sadiesnakes yes you are right he does watch a lot of porn and i think it makes regular sex seem too tame. Ive said as much to him before.

Yes, I'd agree that volunteering, sport or evening classes are the way to make friends. The sport would do his health some good, too. Cultivating a "local pub" and chatting to regulars and bar staff is also a good idea. Meetup is a useful site for forging platonic friendships.

Dating and hookup sites are for other things. No one uses these to find mates. Sorry OP.

Why are you with this disgusting creature