I despise so much what he's done to me & yes i'm still fucking bitter - Help!

[user1471564834]

So two years on from being totally abandoned with a young baby by the man I thought loved me, I'm still feeling deeply, deeply aggrieved by what he's done and the life that I now juggle. How the hell do I clear my mind of feeling this way? I have tried hard to compartmentalise all my feelings and value and appreciate all that my life brings me but...

He's been with the OW since he walked away, moved in with her obscenely quickly after he left me (and to all intents and purposes, and he tells me this, is "Very Happy" ). He's had space and freedom from all parental responsibility to enjoy and nurture this relationship - Whilst I'm a full time working single mum, barely able to draw breath most days...

Contact between us over the past two years has been sporadic, as he's cherry picked as and when he's visited our DS, as (and I quote ) "He has a life!", and we have had many months of NC (at his instigation).

During these periods I am strong and focused on just raising our beautiful DS and I have had counselling over the past year to deal with my grief over the broken relationship, but it hasn't really rid me of the anger/betrayal/bitterness that I still daily feel. Then when he 'reappears' into our life and contact between him and our DS resumes I feel consumed again with the injustice of it all!

Please can someone guide me on mentally moving on from feeling like he's 'won', when my intelligence tells me that of course I have (I have a strong bond with our DS, where he has none), it's just my heart is filled with terrible bitterness still . Is he the man with her that he never was with me...Is he "happy" when I'm struggling...Its just so fucking unfair and I feel such bitterness towards him - How do you dilute this feeling? Is it just simply time?

I have a friend going through this exact thing and she is still going through the feelings you feel atm. Makes it worse that he picks up the kids with the ow in tow which I think is so out of order and should not be allowed!

I too went through this 14 years ago while my ex left me 7 months pregnant and with two toddlers. Life was unbearable. He swanned in and out of their lives for years. I remember feeling bitter for years but now I just look at him in pity.

He got the worst deal because his kids won't have anything to do with him now that their teenagers.

I'm sorry that your feeling this way, it's such an awful thing to go through and I remember the pain and the torture I put myself through.

Time is a healer and I hope you find peace soon.

I

Holding onto anger and bitterness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

Buddha

Wise words Buddha

I was the same. When it used to eat me up my sister use to tell me that the DC would realise when they were older and by god that came true.

Watching this interest as I could have written your post word f

Sorry I don't know what happened there. I meant to say could have written your post except to make y shame it's been 6 years and despite trying very hard I have failed every time. Mine move in with OW and took her son on as his while ours was left high and dry . I am watching this with interest. Sorry to high jack your post

This could be me! All I can say is it takes time. 6 years in & I just don't have the time or energy to care. All the time I spent on being angry & annoyed meant I was missing moments with my lo. Be determined to move on quicker than me! 😀

You are winning OP, I have been treated incredibly badly by my ex, I don't deserve this, my kids don't deserve this - but it's on him.

I know my kids will know now and in the future that I'm the rock & he is selfish.

I'm working hard to make a good future for me and my kids & he is probably creating another unsustainable life with a new girl who has no idea what is about to hit her - & I feel incredibly sorry for her.

The only revenge is live a good life, make the most of what you have and build deep & meaningful bonds with your kids - none of which he will be capable of doing.

You've got this, one day you'll look back and laugh.

Your child will one day realise that you were the one to love them truly, to raise them. Be strong for them and for yourself. You're amazing and strong - remember this. You won't feel this way forever, I promise, just give yourself more time. Things will get easier as DC gets older as well.

to you

Just wanted to say I sympathise. My ex DH has royally fucked me and DS's over - we will always be massively poorer and worst off because of him.

I try to compartmentalise my anger - allow myself to have those feelings for a time limit, say the next 15 mins or hour or whatever, then change my thoughts to focus on my life or just something in the present. I find dealing with it like this is better for me than thinking I have to stop ever being angry or hurt by it, which is an impossible goal anyway. Trying to achieve that will just make me feel shit about myself when I inevitably fail. It's okay to be angry at unjust things as long as you can manage that anger into certain time limited periods, I think.

The trash has taken itself out OP....Get the bunting out!!

Instead of focussing on how he's put you in this situation, try to focus on what you can do to improve life and make it easier for yourself....

Is there a family member or friend you trust to babysit DS while you take a breather. Also could you batch cook to save you cooking every evening when back from work? You need to rest too..

I know it doesn't change what he's done to you and DS, but focus on things you CAN change rather than things you CAN'T.

You'll be a lot happier if you can do this, I promise

Is he paying maintainace for his child at all.
I’m not sure I’d be facilitating contact as he’s so inconsistent.
He’s not a good role model for a father.
I wouldn’t just drop everything for him when he deems he can visit,
Also don’t have contact at your house. Don’t tell him your business.
Hes a selfish man child.
Why can you formalise access legally otherwise he will think he can drop in and out of your life when ever he feels like.
I’m not suprised your pissed off.

My DD1 is 25. X left when she was 2. In those years it was very, very sporadic contact as he fucked off round the world with his new OW.
I hated him for the longest time. But I see what he has missed and only nowisnhe recognising it and ingenuinely pity him for everything he threw away.
His life now is emptier.
He has had major fall outs with his family. He asked DD once if she hated him, which Is a snapshot of his own view of what he did.

He is pretty isolated, narrow life dictated by OW.
In leaving he did me a favour.
DD loves him and they have their own relationship but he has to look at himself and see an arsehole staring back and only blame himself.
That will come in time OP.
Inbthe meant I.e it Is going to be hard and painful, bit it's not forever. I would never have believed it till now.
Take care

I've been there . My advise is fill you and your sons life full . Save , study have holidays gave fun and dont let him in when he demands. I time you will grow so much together he will not fit in . You will meet someone new who will love you both and he will have lost which he has already but he doesn't know it . I was left with a 1 year old and a 5 yr old . I was angry for so long and cried probably for 2 years but with counselling study and him not involved we did good I did a degree as has my daughter and my son is happy . We have seen him now for 6 years as he can't be arsed the old line I won't let him see his kids . We live I our happy home with a man that loves us all . Your ex has lost big time

Just remember people rarely change and so he'll be being just as awful to live with to her as he was to you. You are on to bigger and better things.

I believe that the word 'bitter' is used to try and make people in our position feel that they are wrong to continue to feel anger., resentment etc. What they (and my ex) fail to understand is that whilst their leaving is absolutely in the past and we (or I at least) can honestly say I am over it, their absence is a very present, current reality. Every day, every school run, every act of juggling work and childcare and activities and appointments that we do alone while they are off living their new lives is a current source of annoyance. You are perfectly entitled to feel ongoing frustration and you shouldn't feel 'wrong' for it. BUT it is also true that as a pp said we can't wallow in it constantly or let it affect us day to day. Set aside some time when you need to, rant on here or to an understanding friend but don't feel you shouldn't feel it.

This might sound like ridiculous advice but think of the example of Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom - he seemingly left her after being obsessed with her and having a baby with her (they never said who left who but she made it very public how depressed she was after the break up and how she wanted the family life etc.

She's one of the most beautiful and richest women in the world - not only that, but she's hardly a bimbo and has lots of different projects on the go all the time - I always think back to her example - if it can happen to her (being left), it can happen to anyone and isn't indicative of your worth at all. Besides, she's now happily married and had another child recently.

^ I know my example is very shallow and somewhat childish but sometimes it helps to be a bit shallow occasionally :)

Just wait op, hang in there, keep going and think about your DS.

My dd is coming to an age now where she realises who brought her up, who is there for her. Her dad is in her life but he's not bothered either way and slowly my dd is seeing it. Which makes me sad and I've learnt what to say to make her feel better.

But the bond you will have with your ds will be like nothing else. So he wasn't won op. You have. You've been through it and will get to the other side with your head held high and ds by your side.

Thank you so much to everyone for responding, all of your words absolutely resonate and your encouragement to me to 'keep keeping on' is something that I will find strength from x.

Yes, Buddha's wisdom is indeed true, but just because intellectually you know that the bitterness is self-destructive, it's still something I'm daily battling . I know that ultimately the best revenge is the "life well lived", and I am trying so, so hard to put that into practice.

@rejected2012 highjack away , it's just so depressing that so many of us have been dealt such shitty hands by the people who should have had our backs the most...I look at my ex now and truly don't recognise the person in front of me - He has torn my heart in a way that I wouldn't have believed possible when we used to be so very close...

@Candace19 I too feel that this all consuming feeling of being wronged is robbing me of the joy of motherhood, so your words have helped focus my mind - thank you x.

Raising my DS is my focus, his well being and growing up surrounded by love and continuity is paramount. I would dearly love to be able to carve out some more 'me' time, and as some of you have said, as he gets older is will get easier! It's just the here and now that's so damn difficult. Oh, for a time machine eh!

I too have told myself those words about bitterness being like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die and found comfort in them but I didn't realise it was Buddha who had said it - who by some accounts left his wife and kids to find enlightenment. I'd love to know what she thought of his wise words!

Anyway, another here who sympathises with the injustice of it all - the fact the ex has a relationship and a life whilst we have drudgery and worry.
Last Saturday as I locked my front door for the evening at 8:30 whilst wearing my pyjamas I saw an attractive couple walking by, obviously on their way out for the evening it did hurt that my life is now so narrow. BUT Dd is nine now and a little treasure to me, we have our own little life together and you will too with your DS.

@ohamIreally that image you described I can well relate to. My 2yr old DS and I currently co-sleep (he's a shit sleeper, and it's the lesser of two evils at the mo), so I too am tucked up in bed most nights at a time when people who have a bloody life are probably walking into restaurants, going to the cinema/theatre etc etc .

My life is so radically different from what it was three years ago, when I embarked upon motherhood, within a partnership, and full of positivity and hope for my little family's future...

The EX has seemlessly carried on with his life/freedom, arm in arm with the OW. Ignorant and totally and utterly non-remorseful to the devastation to my world he's left behind - I despise the prick so, so much. Each time I have to have any form of communication with him (about the DS) my hackles raise and I just want to pour bleach in his eyes!

But still, each morning, he occupies my thoughts as my alarm goes off and a new day of relentless parental responsibility and shear hard work begins. I imagine him still lying asleep (with her), whilst I'm squaring my shoulders for another day - Honestly, I just want his world to implode .

I understand. It helps me to tell myself that the man I knew is dead and this one who does not care is indeed a stranger. About 9 months after he left I made a leap to a new job and for some reason it gives me satisfaction that he has no idea where I work. I'm currently sat at an airport whilst his parents look after DD (they are good people) on my way out for a two day business meeting. Currently my work has to provide my adult life as there's only work and DD. I like my colleagues and the work is interesting (if stressful). If you can, try to look to your own future and try to excise him from your mind. Go NC for six months if you feel you need to.

But how do I go NC for 6 months when we have a DS and when he's decided to resume his'visits' for a brief couple of hours EOW , this has been since he decided to 're-connect' with our DS just before Christmas...I would dearly love to go NC, but this just isn't an option due to our child - I'd never deny him seeing him (though I'd bloody love to), as my son deserves a relationship with him, despite the cretin he is.

I do honestly try to concentrate on my future, as well as my DS's and park (as much as I can) thoughts of his world , to the back of my head BUT its fucking hard, when my daily life is so relentless.

I work a 50hr week in a challenging role in the corporate world, and add on the commute time (which ironically is the most 'chilled' part of my day I spend precious little quality time with my DS, so any 'me' time is just me then facing the dreaded 'mummy guilt'!

Have a good trip @ohIamreally the challenges of full time working and motherhood can not be underestimated

Thanks for the wine I shall have it when the air stewards come with the trolley .
I appreciate you feel you can't go NC totally in that case. My ex has very low contact with DD, a week here and there across the school holidays (it seems low to me that a parent can happily go three months without seeing their child) and I don't have to deal with him in the interim. It's easier now DD is older as I have programmed the home phone with his number and she sees its Daddy and answers so it doesn't have to go through my mobile. (Not that he rings very often) Then when they're at school they can be picked up from there. I absolutely do not engage with him about anything, so when he asked me to get her prescriptions for him to have I simply told him what the medication was and to sort it himself (I was fuming at the fucking cheek of the man though).