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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

"first world" type problem but counselling isn't doing much and I'm not coping.

43 replies

higgyhog · 25/02/2019 16:24

It is quite true that my problem called for "the worlds smallest violin" as someone posted when I talked about it just before Christmas. Somehow it has completely knocked me sideways and even after 7 weeks of counselling (session 8 tomorrow) I'm feeling pretty terrible.

Long story cut very short, I know I don't deserve any sympathy for this bit. My lover and best friend of 8 years had been seeing another woman for 3 years, nearly 10 years younger than me, very beautiful.
He lied and lied about where he was and what he was doing. He bought her lovely presents and took her away for weekends, and always bought me a crappy book for Christmas and said he could not go away with me. We were supposed to meet for a goodbye lunch and she came along with him, slagged me off and made me feel terrible, they told me they were in love and she said he would be dumping his wife for her and they would live happily ever after.

I could have coped with the end of the relationship, but I seem to have been traumatised by the way it happened and having to meet her when I'd already said I would not. He lied to her about me too.

Logical me would be happy to be rid of him. Even emotional me sees that the man I thought I knew was never there. I should feel better now but I don't. I'm not functioning at work, spend my days crying at my desk. A huge bit of me wants him back or just to see him or something, but I know that is utterly stupid, and that as he is 72 in April there is really no point, he can't offer me anything.

Instead of feeling better I'm simply thinking all my life is crap, though I have many nice things going on, learning a new skill, 3 nice holidays to look forward to, maybe a bit of a bleak social life but there are things I can do about that.

The last 12 months was pretty grim, I lost an old friend to cancer, my mother died, we were burgled ( lots of sentimental stuff taken) and now I just don't seem to be able to shake this off. In theory I have made progress, my real brain acknowledges everything that people have told me but it still hurts. I feel totally worthless. He seems to have trashed m memories of some happy times by doing exactly the same things with her. He was going to see me in march and told me about a particular fantasy. She gloated and told me that they did that "all the time" . I'm a strong person usually , and mature in years, but I'm starting to think I need more than the counselling, but I'm not sure what to do. we both knew our relationship was very unusual, and went through some bad patches but I always thought he would be my friend, but he never was in the first place.

Today I'm sitting at my desk again (the only one who works til 5 in my office) crying. Sorely tempted to pick up the phone and call his wife, but I know he would retaliate, and feeling that this hellish misery will never end. Thats it.

OP posts:
noego · 25/02/2019 16:49

I think I remember your PP. Getting counselling is a good thing, but it will take time to get over this. You have been treated disgustingly.
I know you are finding it difficult to see this rationally or logically at the moment, but it is time for you to turn the page and start a new chapter. I know this is difficult, but it can be done.
Concentrate on rebuilding your self esteem and self confidence. Seek out people that can help you do that.
Try mindful meditation, read self help books, look at you tube video's. Re-discover yourself.
HTH's
Flowers

Original poster
higgyhog · 25/02/2019 20:22

Thank you for your kindness Noego, I am trying but it is so hard .

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 25/02/2019 20:33

So sorry to read what you are going through. You are in a process of grieving, you have a lot to process and cannot be expected to just 'bounce back' as if nothing had happened. What there is to do, is just to keep going, one minute at a time and accept what you can.

Do be kind to yourself, don't beat yourself up or expect to get through this any faster than the pace you can manage. All the best.

thislido · 25/02/2019 20:58

What an awful year Flowers Relationships that aren’t socially legitimate can be even harder to grieve because you can’t talk about them in the same way and the acknowledgment from other people isn’t there. Can I ask what sort of counselling you are having and how it is/isn’t helping?

VelvetPineapple · 25/02/2019 21:00

they told me they were in love and she said he would be dumping his wife for her

So he has a wife and you’re the OW? And now he’s got a second OW and has dumped you? I’m guessing there’s also a big age gap? Sorry but he doesn’t sound like a great guy!

Moreisnnogedag · 25/02/2019 21:09

I’m confused - has he a wife as well as another OW? Are they in an open relationship? Why on earth did he bring her along to your ‘goodbye’ meal??

This seems very convoluted but in essence he seems to have wanted to really hurt you - there seems to be way to much communication between all three of you. I’m not sure that 8 sessions of counselling are going to be enough to work through why you felt that you deserved such treatment. It sounds so mean and nasty from him. How old are you compared to him?

Travisandthemonkey · 25/02/2019 21:31

You’ve got to really stick at the therapy. It can take a long time. You deserve to have at least a contended life.

Start being kind to yourself, you got into an awful situation and he is not a kind man. In quite an extreme way.

Theworldisfullofgs · 25/02/2019 21:37

It's not a first world problem.

Its grief for the relationship, for the future you imagined and the you, you thought of yourself as.

It'll take time and keep going with the counselling. Its completely normal to feel as you are and you can also find a way forward. And part of this way forward is valuing yourself as you. He isn't worthy of you.
I know this isn't easy and he just isn't worthy of you.

category12 · 25/02/2019 21:40

You might be displacing some of your grief over your bereavements (sorry for your losses Flowers) onto him/this break-up. Keep going to counselling, it's very early days with it and you have had a lot to cope with.

You need to end contact with him altogether, if you're still in touch - it's no good for you.

Walnutwhipster · 25/02/2019 21:46

You never cared about his wife all the time you were together. I remember your posts. You can't get a conscience over his wife because he's treating his other OW better than he treated you, which is all that seems to bother you.

AutumnCrow · 25/02/2019 21:50

This the minor celeb old bloke, right? Like Alan Partridge but not as interesting?

Walnutwhipster · 25/02/2019 21:52

@AutumnCrow that's the one.

ConfCall · 25/02/2019 21:57

Ah yes the old fella who thinks he's Tom Jones with the laydeez. I remember.

OP I'm sorry for what you've been through - especially the bereavement - but this guy was awful and still is. Stick with the counselling and be firm.

Jaxinthebox · 25/02/2019 21:57

OP, Im sorry that you are going through this. As others have said you need to stick at the counselling and a lot more sessions to come.

You have had a lot to deal with, this is probably the straw that broke the camels back. Move forward, find a guy who is available eventually and life a good life.

barryfromclareisfit · 25/02/2019 21:59

Don’t call the wife.

Men don’t get better with age, do they? I’m still smarting from being messed about by a 64 year old.

Give yourself time. Cut him, his other women etc out of your thoughts. Keep busy and check regularly that you aren’t clenching body parts and hugging your misery. You have the full violin from me. It will pass. You know it will.

RandomMess · 25/02/2019 22:17

Everything you built your life away swept away, the grief us raw and real and makes you question everything it can even cause PTSD Thanks

Keep going and be kind to yourself.

AutumnCrow · 25/02/2019 22:45

Keep going with the counselling. You should be asking why this crappy relationship served a need for you. What need, and why? Is your therapist helping me with that?

Bubblegumgal · 25/02/2019 22:53

Op are you seeing a counsellor or psychologist? Something like this I would go to the latter rather than the former. You seem to have a lot of complex displaced emotions around this breakup & then there’s the reason you chose to be with someone who has a wife, all of which needs to really be resolved OP.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 25/02/2019 23:30

He sounds like an absolute wanker, a serial cheat and a cruel bastard.
You are so much better off without him. Carry on with the therapy and work on your self esteem. He is not worth your tears. Don't give him the satisfaction. Let the other woman have the ageing lothario. Once his long suffering wife has taken him to the cleaners, he won't have such a cosy life with the other OW. She's welcome to him. Just concentrate on building a better life without this worthless piece of trash.

Jiggles101 · 25/02/2019 23:38

Bubblegumgal many counsellors do the sort of work you're referring to as well. And many psychologists just do a bit of CBT.

Jiggles101 · 25/02/2019 23:39

OP - he sounds like a total arse. Why are you all running around moping after this sad old fucker?

Bubblegumgal · 26/02/2019 00:27

Jiggles101 Psychologists have gone to university and have degrees, counsellors have diplomas. Ime going to a counsellor is like putting a plaster over a chronic wound, whereas going to a psychologist is like finding the route cause of the wound & treating it. Just my personal opinion.

NotTheFordType · 26/02/2019 02:20

but I seem to have been traumatised by the way it happened and having to meet her when I'd already said I would not.

Why did you meet her ?

CloudyTuesday · 26/02/2019 03:21

It is hard to be sympathetic because the way you feel now is the way his wife would have felt if she'd found out about you, and that didn't seem to worry you. In fact, she'd have felt far worse wouldn't she, discovering your 8 year relationship?

I understand that he treated you cruelly but you always knew he was cruel, by the way he's treated his wife.

Breakups are awful for everyone. There's no magic bullet. You just need time, and distraction in the meantime.

CloudyTuesday · 26/02/2019 03:23

"Why did you meet her ?"

She met him for a goodbye lunch, and he surprised op by bringing ow2.