If your parent was inconsistent with emotional availability, what sort of effect can it have on your adult relationships

[user82016]

Just wondering really.

As a child my parents were inconsistent with emotional availability. I would often feel loved but rarely felt I could depend on them emotionally. I never expressed ‘nice’ emotions as a child, I wasn’t sure how. I could show anger very well though.

As an adult I have the capability and understanding to show emotion and love and care for someone else. BUT I fee that my adult relationships have been full of drama, highs and lows, me being scared of anyone showing any vulnerability too soon (had a thread on this yesterday) and me generally feeling embarrassed about showing my own vulnerability until I really really know someone. And then when I do know someone and those issues are overcome, I then tend to need regular reassurance and struggle to maintain my own sense of self, whilst giving myself to the other person completely and fully supporting them in all they aspirations but neglecting my own.

Could this be linked? If so how can I overcome it?

I think you have identified that you have some issues as a result of your childhood.

We unconsciously seek out familiar relationships to those we have known in childhood and if you had emotionally inconsistent relationships with your parents, then that is what you will look for in other significant adults.

Realising that you have an issue is part of the battle and then you have to decide what you will do. There are lots of resources online, but you may decide you need to talk through it and have some therapy.

How can I change it though?

That is summed up really well, I feel totally comfortable with that sort of relationship, even though it makes me unhappy.

There are books like "Retrain your brain; CBT in 7 weeks" which have CBT techniques in them. I'm not sure that CBT will work here though.

I'm having therapy to try and get to the bottom of not dissimilar issues. I'm having to go back and address all of the poor messaging I received, understand it for what it was and realise how wrong it was and learn to parent myself as an adult, if that makes sense.

Thank you

Read up about attachment disorders - what you're describing fits perfectly.

As Nix says, have a look at attachment theory and disorders, especially ‘ambivalent attachment disorder’. May ring a few bells