Is he being dramatic or have I unwittingly been a cow?

[wowl]

This is probably going to be a bit convoluted so please bear with me through this essay, but I could really use some outside perspective…

I have a friend who I have known around 18 months. He’s a man, I’m a woman, and we met through a mutual hobby. So as not to drip feed: He is not my only male friend, my social circle is quite mixed, and I am also friends with his wife. I was separated from my ex-husband when we met, he is happily married. For the first 6 months we just saw each other at the hobby and were friends on social media, but as we have a lot in common it progressed to texting and the occasional drink together, not too often as we both have children. I also socialise with and text his wife, to a slightly lesser degree but our less-frequent conversations are those of a more intimate friendship.

We have been very close, and nothing remotely sexual has ever happened between us, though I know that’s a conclusion people will jump to. I was always more open about my personal life but then I had a lot more going on. We mostly just chat about shared interests and goings on at the hobby and wider friendship group.

6 months ago I started dating someone, and if it ever came up I felt that I was boring him, so I avoided talking about it, but now the majority of my free time is with the new partner. I have changed jobs and can no longer text during the day, as has he, and my evenings are usually very busy. Basically, the amount of contact has trailed off but we still speak regularly, as with the rest of my friends – I have a few who I text regularly, not just him, though for a long while he was my primary friendship.

We saw each other last week of an evening for just a hang out and chat as usual – the same thing I do with his wife when she and I see each other. I forgot to collect something from him that I was supposed to, didn’t realise until I was home. This weekend I had a chance to pick it up so I texted him and asked if I could collect it, he was busy, I said never mind then and asked how his weekend was going.

I then received an essay-length text about how he was extremely frustrated with me, that I never text him any more unless I want something from him, that all I did when we saw each other was talk about how great my life is and how busy my social life is with ‘all my friends’ and that I’ve gone from someone he really enjoyed talking to, to someone who barely bothers with him. I was really, really shocked by this and will freely admit I was incredibly upset. I replied, explaining that I was gutted that I’d made him feel that way but I also felt he’d been standoffish recently and that I wasn’t sure how he wanted me to be anymore. In the end his wife asked what he was doing and when he told her she sent him over to sort it out. He was there for around 15 minutes and though he didn’t seem all that bothered in person (I was upset) he’s asked that we not speak for a week to get it out of his system and then ‘resume as normal’.

I honestly don’t know what to think. He’s stated very clearly that it’s not a jealousy thing, but that he feels used and like he’s a last option when I’m bored or ‘all my other options’ aren’t available. I did explain that I’ve been in less contact with most people as I have less free time, not just him, but he says that he didn’t know this as I never said.

I don’t know if he’s being dramatic, or I’ve been a terrible friend, or whether I should be concerned that the dynamic maybe wasn’t as platonic as I thought it was, though it’s not been a concern previously and nothing indicated it should be. I have briefly texted his wife since and she seems fine/normal with me, but it’s so weird knowing I’m on a ‘ban’ from texting him. It feels quite juvenile and we’re in our late 30s!

I’ve struggled to make friends in adulthood as I’ve been burned in the past by becoming emotionally invested in a friendship only for them to drop me without warning, which this feels like all over again. I still have other friends, I’ve not been relying solely on this person, but it bloody hurts and I cannot tell if he’s being dramatic or I’ve been self-absorbed, so I thought I’d ask for opinions…

After the week is up, do I go back to normal as requested, and put more effort back into a friendship that has meant so much to me? Or is he being unfair and I should actually keep my distance in the future?

God that's long, sorry

When someone shows you who they are... believe them - the first time!

I would keep my distance!

Sounds like jealousy on his part and tbh it also sounds like it was an unhealthily close relationship to have with a married man. May be best to cool things altogether.

But it does sound like you’ve dropped the friendship a lot since you met your boyfriend. It could upset any good friend- whatever sex they were..

He was your 'filler' male before you met your boyfriend. Safe because he was married but giving you male attention. Filler males (and females no doubt) can get understandably very attached and feel used when priorities shift. If your friendship has changed because you're now in a relationship, his friendship is clearly not a priority any more, it happens.

If this was an old school friend and you'd made a huge change in how frequently you met I'd understand this. But you've only known him 18 months and have still met up. You don't owe him anything. Such an emotional reaction to a minor change in the setup would also make me think that he was getting a bit too dependent and it might be a good idea to step back.

Also I would be reluctant to be friends with someone who lectured me on how to be their friend and berated me if I did it wrong.

Bit weird his wife sending him round to make friends.

Strange all round. Just cool the friendship. It sounds like too much drama.

He was emotionally invested above the normal boundaries of any platonic friendship. This is why he's so put out now at being dropped in favour of your new relationship. To him, it will feel like he's been dumped. Take heed and pull right back.

If I was his wife I'd be questioning why my husband is so upset that our mutual formerly single friend is now happy in a new relationship.

He sounds little bit nits and overdramatic.... if it were a friendship of years and years I'd understand a bit more.... but a recent casual friendship? Very odd to get so distressed about it. If an adult friend stops texting you as much you just think oh they are busy, they've just got in a new relationship! And you get on with your life... maybe at the very most you might say 'I think it's sad we dont talk as much as we used to' but going off on one like that is very odd... from a man or a woman. I'd seriously withdraw from someone who did that as it's actually a bit controlling and possessive.

Also I would be reluctant to be friends with someone who lectured me on how to be their friend and berated me if I did it wrong.

^^This. It's just too complicated for words. You might be friends with him but you have no loyalty to prove to him. I think he must have got muddled up in his head about how he actually feels about you. Keep your distance for longer than a week and next time you see him, see him together with his wife perhaps??

Hmm, I think he sounds overinvested. I have two friends who just have gotten into new relationships and they have less time now, so I don't see them as much. I expected that and certainly won't make them feel bad about it. It's part of being a friend.

This sounds odd all round. His wife sending him around to sort it out like she’s his mum and you’re both squabbling teenagers...

Mad!

Keep your distance.

I'd move on from him, who needs the drama, enjoy your new dp!

Avoid

Had a pretty much identical experience with my friend, only my drop in contact was depression related.

We were both in long term relationships, never a cross over in boundaries, never entered my mind.

He done this a fair few times over the course of our friendship.
One day he admitted he had feelings for me, friendship was his excuse to remain in touch.

All made sense in the end

I was friends for about 2 years with a work colleague. He is married with 2 kids. I’ve been single for a year. I am way older than him (like over 10years). Once I became single he got weird. A bit suggestive and then thought it would be a great idea to go out for drinks and sleep at my house .
Needless to say I declined. Turned out he isn’t getting much at home and thought I’d be up for it.
We are no longer friends and thank god I don’t work there anymore!

I don't think he's over invested in a non-platonic way, more that he doesn't bother with most people as he's a bit of a homebody and not fussed about a ton of social interaction, but made an effort with me because the friendship was a good one and worth it, and now feels that it's been thrown back in his face by my being more 'off-grid'.

Thanks for all the responses. The one about him being a 'filler-male' hit hard and may have some truth to it. I think I'll obviously give him his space for a week and then resume the chatting about mutually enjoyed topics, but cut out any sort of deeply personal stuff and keep him emotionally at arms length. Because if he is interested (still think not) then that sends a clear signal, and if he's not then it keeps me more distant from it in case he does just drop me in the end

I know it's complicated and a bit juvenile, but I think he'd been bottling it up and then it just spilled over. To be fair I'd struggle not to be hurt if I felt like he apparently does and I probably have been a bit of a knob... and if I was trying to tell someone they'd made me feel that way I'd be upset about it too.

It did feel a little possessive but I care enough that I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. If that vein continues then obviously it will be another matter... I'm glad the consensus isn't that I've been a twat because I was doubting it to be honest.