Giving up on relationship with parent

[SunnySideDownBriefly]

Hi everyone,

I'd really appreciative some advice from the collective experiences of anyone who has a difficult relationship with their family and is now (mostly) at peace with that.

I'm going to try and keep this short but I'm happy to add more and will answer any questions to try and give a better picture as I go along.

I have a narcissistic mother who I have cut contact with. In a nutshell, she has tried to make every happy or important occasion in my life about her...usually using negative tactics such as crying, sulking and hypochondria. She is unpleasant company around 90% of the time - she is overly critical, unkind and sees negativity in everything. The remaining 10% of the time she magically transforms into this wonderful giving creature who wants to be your best friend and make other people think that she enjoys a close and special relationship with you. However, she puts in none of the work that actually makes this a vague possibility - she is switched off, inconsistent and her support swiftly evaporates when you get your strength back and start to make your own decisions again.

After she tried to ruin my wedding last year, I have finally cut contact with her. Her poor behaviour was relentless and draining. It was also very public. In the past, these kind of things have always been swept under the carpet but it just wasn't possible this time - not only because we were getting married abroad so it was much more intense, but because I finally told her that she had upset me and I wouldn't back down on that. She cannot see any of her behaviour and insists that it is everyone else who makes her behave this way.

Now, it sounds like my mum is perhaps alone...maybe divorced or widowed? Nope...she is married to my Dad and has been for over 40 years. 40 years of him mostly silently putting up with her. Sometimes blowing up and sometimes full on enabling her behaviour. Their marriage has survived because he moved overseas for around 20 years and because they have a strange mutual dependency on each other. He cannot bear her most of the time but thinks that this is his lot in life and that he has missed the boat with ever changing the situation. Too old for change or distress. Fair enough.

So, my mum isn't the problem any more as I have nothing to do with her. My problem is my relationship with my father which has to be kept a secret. No-one is allowed to know that we are still in contact. I feel like the other woman. He supports me...although he gets frustrated as he knows that this situation of no contact is not likely to change. He knows how awful she has been and I suspect that he knows a lot more awful stuff than I do as most of her nastiness is behind closed doors. She reads his texts and monitors his activity so this is really how she knows exactly what I think of her. I did warn him that she reads his texts and he didn't believe me. Well, he did when she found out that we had been in contact and knew some of the things that he thought of her...she didn't speak to him for weeks and I don't think it's an exaggeration to say that their marriage was on the line. She was very upset but of course she just sulked as she can't communicate any other way.

So, (if you're still with me) my dad and I only speak on the phone once a week and that is only if my Mum is out of the house. He has no shame in admitting that this is all secret and is the only way he sees our relationship continuing. He admits that we will probably never see each other again but that is the way it has to be. I struggle with this but also understand on a level as I wouldn't want to think of him getting serious grief and abuse just because we remain in contact. However, this is extremely upsetting for me and I now know much more about narcissists and their flying monkeys/enablers than I ever knew before. He hasn't ever protected me or my siblings from her and I would say that we are all damaged by her behaviour in our different ways. He would spend almost all his spare time in the pub or at his mother's while we were being screamed at and emotionally abused by her. As soon as he could leave to go and work overseas he did. Without a second thought for us. Or even for her. She found out he was leaving when he got the job and gave his notice...there wasn't any discussion.

Today I received a text from my dad to say that he wouldn't call me for a week as my mum is on leave. This hurt me. The message was as brief as that. The last few times I have spoken to him he has been disinterested and his unhappiness has been palpable. This is very draining - I have a very busy life at the moment with full-time work at least 6 days a week and a house full of people to look after.

I'd just really like advice from people on how to protect myself. A part of me wants to cut contact with him. I'm so tired of being hurt and I haven't got the energy to waste on this situation any more. I don't even know how I feel about either of them any more. I've always felt sorry for my dad all these years but he's so weak and he hasn't ever put himself out for me. He doesn't seem to care how damaging all of this is for me. He just wants to keep our relationship and no matter the cost to me or my self-esteem.

Has anyone experienced anything similar? I guess I am tired feeling like the other woman and it's so against my personal beliefs to accept this kind of treatment. I've overcome a lot of adversity over my life (as we all have) and I'm an age where I'm not sure I should be taking this crap.

Hi, Sunny.

You asked for advice from people who had experienced these sort of problems in their family. I didn't reply because my experience has been of a different sort of dysfunction.

I am concerned, though, that nobody has replied to you. I'm worried that it may provoke further feelings of rejection or abandonment in you, so I'm just going to say two things that occurred to me.

The first is that I honestly think your father does not deserve the privilege of having you as his daughter.

The second is that that maybe it is time you took some leave from trying to maintain a relationship with him. Would some time off, say a month, give you chance to see the way ahead more clearly?

You write with courage and clarity. I wish you more of the same.

Recently non-contact with my parents, mother is the one I don’t want to speak to, but dad is her enabler. I thought I wanted to be in contact, daddy’s girl and all that, but tbh, he has been as bad as her, totally allowed her shit behaviour all these years. Don’t be surprised, OP, that he will ignore you in favour of her. His life will be easier if he does this. If you want to be in touch with him, you can choose to make a stand, insist on talking to him or accept that he won’t prioritise contacting you over having a quiet life at home.

He's actively choosing her over you - and has told you that he always will via his actions and words.

I'd cut contact with him too.

I'm sorry you are going through this. You are right - this is completely dysfunctional.

I think I'd have to go NC with him too. Have you had any counselling?

Your dad as you have rightly surmised is your mother's enabler. Protect yourself by having nothing to do with him either.

Women like your mother cannot do relationships so the men in their lives are as narcissistic as they are or are long since discarded. Your dad here is not blameless because he has thrown you under the bus and continues to do so out of self preservation and want of a quiet life. He is really her hatchet man here and cannot be at all relied upon.

Do cut contact with him as well, in a straight fight he would choose his wife over you. He probably also says things like, "don't blame me for my choice of wife". He is truly a weak bystander and enabler of a man.

The hardest issue for the scapegoated adult – child in this mess fueled by narcissism, is the reality that the enabler also scapegoated their own child at times too, when they decided to side with the narcissist, and to engage in blaming the scapegoat for absolutely everything that was going wrong in the family.

The enabler panders to the narcissist, tries to keep them happy, and will even become a part of the abuse of the children, if it means the narcissist will get off the enabling parents back. At the end of the day, they are the narcissist’s sidekick, soldier in the narcissist’s army, and thoroughly perpetuate the bullying epidemic even further.
Enabling parents tend to expect support from the children to help to contain the difficult situation, and the narcissist’s rage. They expect the child to make the narcissist happy, to keep them content, and to make sure the narcissist feels admired, special and cared about all the time. In situations such as these, the enabler will perpetuate the abuse by having unusually high standards of the child; and will expect the child to show the narcissist the utmost respect, even when the narcissist is not respecting the child.

The enabling parent will not meet the child on their own emotional level, validate the child, and walk away from the narcissist.

Hello,

I agree with everyone else. He's as bad as her in his own way.

I think the best thing to do is to back right off, and think about it. He isn't sticking up for you and he sacks you off in favour of not upsetting her, not seeing you when he thinks she will catch him.

So being in touch with him hurts you.

I've been thro this, my mother is also,our abuser, I've been NC for years but recently heard from sister, and it's game back on. Hearing the news, worrying about them, having the last brought back up....having the past be repeated!! It may not be the abuser but the abuse is still there.

I think understanding the dynamics and grieving for what it could have been but will never be is the way forward. Then, back off and tell them why if needs be.

I feel your pain BUT when you've done it, you will easier in your heart and can turn your attention to having much nicer times, no longer interrupted by shit and upset x

Have to agree with the above. He is not your friend, and the only reason he wants to maintain contact is purely for his selfish reasons (whatever they are) and not because he loves you.

His actions are mean and for your own mental health, breaking away will be good.

Don’t make yourself responsible for his feelings. He wouldn’t do that for you.

Thanks so much to you all for replying. I can't believe how therapeutic it is to speak about this - it really helps that everything I'm hearing rings so true and helps me to acknowledge what I know is right. I've only told you the basics and the things you are all saying are just what I would say to a friend in this situation. It's so much clearer when you look at it from a distance.

@allwrite - thank you for being the first to reply and your response was so kind. I had started to doubt myself and thought I'd put people off with my long and boring post!

I sadly think that my Dad might be the first to agree that he doesn't deserve me as a daughter because he knows deep down how weak he is being. I think I'm close to agreeing too...I put so much faith in him ahead of my wedding to help me make sure she didn't ruin things. He even got impatient at me for double (and triple) checking with him that he'd had certain conversations to ensure that things wouldn't go awry. I remember his frustration and how he made me feel about myself. He lied and told me he had sorted things but he hadn't at all...as soon as he arrived on holiday/at our wedding he washed his hands of her completely and pretended to be oblivious to her behaviour...except for one moment...about 30 mins after our ceremony, he took me aside and was very tearful and apologised for her behaviour. He told me that my dh and I had brought together a beautiful family and deserved every happiness. Just 15 mins before this apology, my mother had shouted at me in the lobby of the hotel, in front of well-wishers, and run away crying when my husband and I were just about to have our official photos taken. It was horrible. I can see the strain in our faces for every shot. She was then emotionally up and down like a yo-yo for the rest of the day - bitching, sniping, insulting, weeping etc. For the first time ever, I saw her reaching out to my Dad for comfort and him actually giving that to her. I'd honestly never seen that before but he didn't really have any escape and me, my dh and our children tried to carry on having as much fun as possible with my mother in such close vicinity.

@10000 days - I haven't had any counselling (yet?!) but I have two exceptional sounding boards in my dh and sister. They are my fierce protectors and always support me 100% in whatever decision I need to make. I am very lucky. If I do feel this is getting out of hand and taking over my life, I will consider talking it out elsewhere. It isn't fair on them really is it? Sometimes I need to rant and that stress just passes on doesn't it.

@Cherrysoup - how long have you been nc? How has affected you? Do you think this is permanent for you?

@AttilaTheMeerkat - this all sounds so familiar. The bit that really hit me was how the enabler expect support from the child too. My Nan is also classic for this and is forever trying to make everything fluffy and light for my narc mother. The awful thing is, my Nan has taken some of the worst behaviour from her over the years but it has been so subtle - withdrawal of affection, ignoring her, belittling her feelings etc. I used to be so close to my Nan but since this all blew up, my mother has now been gathering everyone so close to her. Her army. She's now super sickly nice to my Nan - drowning her in affection and gifts - and lots of other family members that I have been close to. She's organising get-togethers that I'm not invited to and visiting people that she hadn't bothered with in years. All of this since I went nc with her. I don't know if any of them know what she is truly like (they must do!) or if it's easier for them not to care.

I think the best option for me right now may be to give myself a month off. But it's going to be hard to dodge my Dad's texts going me the all clear to call. I mean, it's only once a week but I know he'll then get my brother to call me. Another one that I'm dodging as he seems to have inherited some dubious traits from both of my parents.

Why is this so hard? Why do I feel so guilty about protecting myself? Should I just get stronger and not let it upset me?

Give yourself more than one month off.

Its easier for your mother's enablers to turn a blind eye and otherwise not care. What you write is all too typical of what happens in narcissistic family structures.

I would block both your father and also your brother particularly if he is roped in by your dad as his flying monkey (i.e a well meaning but easily manipulated person or relative sent in to do the other person's bidding). Flying monkeys only act in their own self interest and certainly not in yours. They are not interested in hearing your side of things so their opinion as such should be ignored by you.

Deal with your own FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) through counselling and also have a look at the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages.

Why is this so hard? Why do I feel so guilty about protecting myself? Should I just get stronger and not let it upset me?

Those of us who experienced emotional abuse as children understand exactly how you feel. It's usually referred to as FOG.

Let's try and unpick it.

Fear - often a result of feeling out of control. When you decide what control you're going to put in place, it can start to fade.

Obligation - i.e. 'but they're my parents' etc.. But what obligation to give you a secure and happy childhood did they feel? Relationships worth honouring are those that work both ways equally, surely?

Guilt - feelings of guilt usually mean that you're taking the blame. How can a helpless baby growing into a defenceless child be ever held to blame for what they were born into?

I sometimes think we should rename that acronym FROG, the R standing for the responsibilty so many of us carry, that feeling it must be our job to fix the whole hideous mess. But it's not, and we need to tell ourselves quite forcibly it isn't.

These painful feelings are hard to bear at times, which is why I suggested you gave yourself a break before you decided what you really want to do.

You already have loving people by your side, but might you consider receiving some counselling? It could give you the objective view you need to unpick and process the emotional pain your childhood has burdened you with.

R - responsibility.

Thank you Allwrite. Makes so much sense