Desparate for advice 20 years volatile relationship

[Antha720]

I'm 47 and desperate,3 beautiful kids one starting uni soon,one next year,and 11 year old.the eldest 2 know what my husband is like ,My eldest says at Xmas I'll get you divorce papers mum, says he really doesn't like his dad ,they are all scared of him.We met 6 weeks after my first marriage ended,1999,within months we were living together,bought a house which I didn't feel ready for,then found out I was pregnant,I did try to leave a couple of times then,he can be very verbally manipulative,he can,make you think everything is your fault,he does like a drink and he is worse when he's had some,to the point Of me making sure Im was in bed before he came home to avoid a fight,make me stay up with him,even though I'm exhausted ,he has never hit me, but has threatened me and my eldest where he pinned him up the wall by his throat ,he has never forgotten that.
He is very particular,about the way things are done !!! Hygiene ,where his clothes are put,what food we can eat,the list goes on,Neverthe less I was diagnosed with bipolar 6 years ago but only mildly,but I'm convinced he makes me worse and makes me feel im losing my mind,!! I'm a good person but he makes me feel like shit !!
I have been a stay at home mum for 18 years with jobs inbetween,currently in a dinner lady and love my job but I'm not allowed to talk about it,! I would so love to be able to relaxwith children without worrying about what kind of mood he's going to be in when he comes home,I don't know if I love him or just tow the line for a qiuet life,I'm scared everyday that I'm wasting my life with someone I'm not happy with,waiting for the next drama to kick of and him not speak to me for 3 days,he treats his mum in the sameway,his brother us just as bad,his dad was the same,he was also verbally abusive to wife,I sometimes wish he'd have an accident in the way home !!! HOw bad is that !!!! You must think I'm such a bitch.....
He can be a charmer,generous,a great dad.is that enough !!! he's provided us with a lovely home,and he's a grafter,but a bigger
Shit to live with,he'll say what do I pay you for when I haven't done something I should have done !!; Whistles at me in the supermarket to get my attention !!! Is this what it should be like !!!/ Sometime I just want a cuddle but it always had to be on his terms he can be so cold.....feel did like I'm being rejected all the time,I just want someone to love me and have fun is that to much to ask for.....
Someone please tell me in not losing the plot.......😭

And he told me last night that I'm full of shit as I wouldn't go for a walk with him,I can leave the house you not having anything !!!!!

You are not losing the plot.

His behaviour is absolutely appalling and I can't believe you would stay with a man who your children are frightened of. You should have kicked him out and called the police the minute he had your eldest child pinned against the wall by his throat. I'm sorry but what does this tell your child about you? You are his mum and should protect him. If you can't do it physically then get help from the police.

I feel for you as clearly you weren't ready for a relationship only 6 weeks after your 1st marriage ended. But you knew this. You thought it was too soon to move in with him but still did. But you don't have to live with that mistake forever.

You need to find the mental strength to make the changes you want in your life. Your children need protection from the father they are scared of and you need to make a better life for you too.

At 47 you have many years of life left but only you can decide whether you want to waste more of it in an unhappy marriage or have a better life without him.

You are so not losing the plot. This is appalling and abusive behaviour and you cannot stay with this man. You need to get away asap. Of course he is charming he is a manipulator as well. Have you got friends or family who can help. You must protect your children and yourself. He took advantage when you were vulnerable after your divorce

Get away from him as soon as possible, this is toxic for your children and you. They will think this is what adult relationships are like, and repeat the same themselves.

CoolJule43 please don’t judge, it’s really not helpful.
You’ve spent years being controlled and manipulated it’s not black and white. They leave you not knowing which way is up!
You are being abused and yes you need to leave. Call women’s aid they are fantastic and will talk you through everything. Do you have someone you can confide in?

You have all said what I have said to my self a thousand times ,it's only now I think I have the strength to do it,unfortunately he has turns on all the finances so have no way of leaving straight away. . So I have to sit it out. That's where I struggle !!! I do have some great friends that listen and all say the same .. He came home for breakfast this morning and he still believes it's ok to tell me I'm full of s* and I'm selfish.and I! I'm the wrong,all because I wouldn't go out for a walk with him.... I think I'm going to move in the den at the bottom of the garden at least I don't have to sleep in the same bed as him.I'm so angry with him.

I would ring Woman's Aid and the police domestic abuse unit and go from there.

Also, tell your dc to let the school know so that you can have their help: they can be brilliant and will help you.

Don't keep it a secret any longer. Record him or get your dc to and set up cameras if you can.

You can do it and a lovely peaceful life awaits you all.

Keep a diary of all events as evidence.

Got app with solicitor in the morning I'm terrified, tonight he's being really helpful,now I feel guilty I'm doing the wrong thing ..😔

If you find it hard to feel you're doing the right thing, picture him with his hands around your child's throat every time you doubt yourself. That alone will give you the strength you need.

Call women's aid. He is financially, emotionally and physically abusive and you need to get out NOW

I do feel so guilty, do I have the right to tear this family apart coz that's what I'll be doing,!!!😢 have to tell him tonight that I have been to the solicitors £120 for an hour, but it was with it.He's not going to feel that way when I tell have I'm done... I feel sick to my stomach😰with fear... I need to get a job,more than the 6 th at i do.I need to save...

Omg my head is going to explode,he's being so nice,more than usual !! back tracking on a lot of things he said he didnt want to do now wants to !!! Says he will go to Anger management and stop DRINKING...I feel so bad, please tell me I can do this on my own,I know I need to SAVE HARD,I need to get out and don't know how too....

My STBXH started playing nicely when he realised I meant it about leaving him.

Funny that! After years of difficulties & abuse which he refused to take any responsibility for. Years of being belittled & blamed for everything & mind games making me doubt my own judgement.

Your H won't change longterm.

Be objective.

Would HE tolerate any of the things he does to you?

Don't let him manipulate you any more.

Try and emotionally detach. Breathe deeply before responding to anything he says or does.

Do not react. You can pity him. You can write it down. But you are going to be free of his toxic influence if you stop reacting and just observe his behaviour.

Do not say anything that gets his hopes up. Be neutral. Do not say anything he wants to you to say.

It is going to be hard for you to do this but you can.

He will destroy your mental health so you need to practice detachment.

Good luck.

Talk to the school, the police, WA, your friends. mum off load on them.

You need to do this because he is chillingly dangerous.

Not a single woman who is killed by their partner thinks that their partner will kill them.

Two women are murdered every week.

A loving partner does not scream, verbally abuse, threaten or put their hands around a woman's throat.

I should know I've been married for over 25 years and my dh has never done any of those things, even when angry.

You have tolerated enough and now you are tolerating it no more.

When you are free of him you will want to look at why you are able to have loving feelings towards someone who wants to harm you.

Could you threaten and abuse someone you love? No.

Having been in a 20 year abusive relationship with kids myself I fully understand how hard it is to leave, the guilt you feel etc. In the end STBXH left me and kids and you know the first thing I felt when he said he was leaving - relief, pure and utter relief. That told me everything I needed to know about how toxic and shit our relationship was. he left and was trying to be friendly etc. After a few months of counselling by myself and reading books on abuse etc i went low contact and only speak to him about kids and bills. Me and the kids are delighted at not having to walk about on eggshells anymore and are quite happy. I've been separated nearly 2 years, have moved back to UK as we were living abroad, have a job, friends, some semblance of a social life and I've been on dating apps for the last 5 months. Don't let him make you feel guilty. You have had 20 years of BS, the broken promises etc and he has not changed. Read Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That?" to explain a lot more to you about how abusers mind's work. It takes more than anger management and not drinking to change the way your DH's brain is wired. Also read up on reactive abuse because you may think you are being horrible/abusive etc to them but it's just your reactions to having been abused for so long.

Stay strong, you have got this. I won't pretend the first year or 2 will be hell but if you stick with it and focus on what you and the kids need to be happy and healthy, you will get through it.

Please don't accept this life any longer.

If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your children. Ring your local women's aid and make a plan to leave...

Other sources of help
Nation Domestic Violence Helpline 0808 2000 247
Samaritans 08457 90 90 90

Today I went on domestic abuse training via work. Google The Duluth Power and Control Wheel. Your husband's behaviour fits into every section of the wheel.