Relationship with mental health issues

[herewegoagainseries7]

So I've just come out of a relationship with a man who I was friends with for a few years previous to our relationship.
It was exceptionally up and down. He openly admitted he had mental health issues and I thought I could take it on the chin. But over the months he'd have what I could only describe as massive mood swings. I'd say something he didn't like and it would be the end of the world. He'd go from nice to this vile, belittling bully. I'd try and stand up to him and attempt to get my point across but he'd just rant and rant at me. He could never, ever see my point of view. If I stuck up for myself then I was deemed the aggressive one.

So last weekend was actually a nice one. He was pleasant, we had a good time. He sent me nice messages and then he began to turn again. He had a habit of joking about women he wanted to have sex with. I found this quite juvenile and tedious. When I told him this he just claimed I was jealous and nasty and it all went down hill from there. I told him I need a few days to myself and that's when he lost it and told me it was over.

I'm still trying to process everything. His words hurt yesterday but today it's not so bad.
I'm wondering if his mental health issues actually involved some kind of personality disorder.

He could never be physically nice to me unless it was in bed. He'd never really kiss me. Would only say he loved me if I said it first. His words were very cruel and quite manipulative. I felt like he was trying to punish me for having an opinion, or being upset or wanting time on my own.

The whole thing has exhausted me. Other than trying to find out what I'd done to upset him so much when he dumped me I haven't bothered contacting him. I just feel numb, at times angry. The problem is, he's done this so many times before and now I'm beginning to question myself. Am I bad person? He'd tell me I had issues, accuse me of wanting to hurt him.... the pattern seems to be, he dumps me, after a few days he'll get in contact, I'll fall for his charm and it starts all over again.

How do I stop this happening again? Does this sound like a personality disorder? Or am I losing it?

What’s making you question whether you’re a bad person? Your post didn’t really say.

Rather than diagnosing him, just accept that he's an arsehole. That's not a symptom of mental illness, it's a symptom of arseholeness.

And it's not your fault.

How do you stop it happening again? Don't go back. Either block him, or if he does get in touch, "this isn't working for either of us, we're over for good this time".

Blocking is least hassle.

If I tried to defend myself when he'd shout at me...for example, he'd ask things like " if I didn't see you for 2 months, would you sleep with someone else ?" I'd respond no then he'd go on to tell me how much he'd never ever trust me, how our relationship was doomed because he'd never trust me. I'd given him no reason to not trust me. It was bizarre.
It was like treading on egg shells. He'd explode at so much. I couldn't predict what he'd explode at, he was so unpredictable.

I guess writing this out has helped in the fact that I can see that I really wasn't happy and spent most of my time scared to say anything.

Unfortunately, we get into these relationships sometimes. Luckily, you've got no ties to this man.

It will be hard for a bit because he's got inside your head and made you doubt yourself. I've been there. But it does and will get better.

First thing is to realise that you will get closure and perspective on this, but not from him and not now. The way to get it is to cut off all contact with him. Block him on everything. And then spend time doing things you love and see people you love. You'll gradually realise that you should never have been put in the position of having to defend yourself against horrible accusations and that none of this was your fault. Your feelings of attachment to him will also die off and that will allow you to view his issues objectively.

Give yourself a couple of months to get better. If you do find him crossing your thoughts, wish him well and put him out of your mind. He's obviously a person who is capable of making himself suffer quite badly, so the only emotion I would focus on for him is pity.

Good luck xx

@Crowdo thank you so much for your advice.
I genuinely felt like a strong person before this, now I feel like a wreck. Self esteem, confidence all shot to pieces. I look forward to the summer when all of this should be behind me.

Completely agree with Crowdo -found myself in a similar position, it’s a sad fact that some people use mental health issues as an excuse to be horrible people, and to try and guilt trip nice, caring people like you OP to accepting their crappy behaviour. I’m not saying he doesn’t have MH issues, but that doesn’t give him a pass to be manipulative arsehole.

Good luck- keep away and keep reminding yourself it really was him, not you, & that you deserve better.

@Keepingthingsinteresting thank you for your reply. I do feel like a total sap right now for taking his crap for so long. But at the same time it's good to know others have been in the same boat.

It really doesn't matter why he behaves the way he does if the outcome on you is the same

My exH was abusive. He also has bipolar disorder and self medicated with alcohol a lot. I'd go mad if I tried to separate out what behaviour came from what and I excused it as necessary to put up with for far too long. Although I miss being in a relationship- one where you tread on eggshells and never know where the next emotional blow will strike, imo just isn't worth it. Whatever is the reason behind it- MH or otherwise. There's arseholes with MH problems and arseholes without MH problems. You aren't somebody's emotional punch bag full stop regardless

I've absolutely been in the same boat, OP. I beat myself up for ages thinking why couldn't I have just been nicer to him. Then I realised, why on earth wasn't I thinking that actually he should have been nicer to me!!

You will get better, honestly. None of this is your fault. You'll feel free of all this rubbish by the summer, if not before, absolutely.

Maybe he does have a personality disorder but hes clearly not taking responsibility ability for it and trying to change is he? You wont be able to help him... he can only help himself. No amount of love or attempts to get him to trust you is actually going to make him well... he will just carry on abusing you whilst he gets away with it. I've been in this situation before... they tell you your are the one to help them and you are letting them down if you leave but it's just a way of absolving themselves of responsibility.. they make their behaviour and mood swings about you and things you have or haven't done. Truth is they'd be exactly the same with anyone because its they who have the issue... and they arent dealing with it because they are getting away with pinning it onto other people.
Dont get back together with this man... he wont change unless he has to and if you are there to blame then he never will have to. It wont go anywhere you'll just waste years of your life being someones emotional punching bag.
I'm sorry you are going through this I know from experience how difficult it is

Thank you all so much for your responses. Your words are helping me focus.
I saw him fleetingly in town today and I just started to shake. I could have thrown up. I've never had this reaction before.
I'm quite literally taking it minute by minute. I miss him, I miss his hands and his face and his voice but I have to remind myself that it'll just be the same and every dent will just bring me down further.
Oh god I want this pain to stop.

I got to the second paragraph, " this vile, belittling bully. " as someone with poor mental health and a diagnosed personality disorder you can be mentally ill and still control yourself.It is never an excuse to be abusive.

Stay strong. I know it hurts right now, but you will come through this. Do not contact him, delete and block him from everything. One minute at a time.

He may well have a personality disorder - who knows? Pretty sure my ex had borderline personality disorder. I spent quite some time trying to figure out precisely what lay behind the terrible behaviour she displayed. And then one day I realised - it doesn't matter. Unacceptable behaviour is unacceptable behaviour, whatever lies behind it. She wouldn't accept there was anything wrong. She wouldn't seek help. And so I could either spend ages trying to figure out what it was all about, and how I could help her, while living a miserable existence. Or I could accept that it wasn't my responsibility to fix her, draw a line under it, get on with my life, and be happy.

Ultimately, he may or may not be ill. But it doesn't matter. Mental health issues don't excuse anybody being an abusive arsehole.

I have a new rule now. I will never, ever again get involved with anybody who has even a hint of mental health issues. Life's too short. I'd rather be happy.