DD favouring her dad after split

[louisejanep]

I left an abusive (not physically) relationship in December after 10 years together and a 3yr old DD. Since I moved back in with my parents my DD has struggled with it. I thought due to her age it wouldn’t affect her but it realy has.

She’s always been a mummy’s girl, her dad was always working and was not home a lot. She always wanted me to do everything her bedtime, bath time and didn’t want to spend a lot of time with him. Since we’ve split she sees him Friday night - sat, then Sunday and he picks her up from school on a Monday.

In the week I always feel like I’m rushing around for preschool, for tea time bath and bedtime. When he takes her at weekend its cinema, fun days out. We have 2 days together where we go fun places a week. I know it’s not a competition, but all she says is daddy is the bestest, I want daddy to pick me up from school, daddy says I can listen to loud music, and scream and shout, daddy lets me stay up late etc...

When she’s been with him and he drops her off she looks really sad to be seeing me :( it breaks my heart sometimes she will scream for him and run away from me. I don’t know whether he is saying things to her he shouldn’t, as when she gets back she says mummy when are you coming home, mummy u shud be at home with me and daddy.

I don’t want to compete, but I just want her to be really close to me like she has from day 1. Anyone have any advice?

The reality is that he gets to do all the fun stuff whilst you have to do the tedious day to day stuff. As a 3 year old, which do you think is more appealing?

It is tough, but she will come to understand the difference. Just be consistent with her.

A reason I left was because I didn’t want her to grow up thinking a relationship like that was normal, I thought it would really benefit her.

But it feels like it’s having the complete opposite effect on her

My DD went through a stage like this when she was 3 and me and my ex were still together. So I wouldn’t just assume that it’s the divorce that’s causing it, it might have happened anyway.

Also, when we did split, it took a few years before she stopped being upset my it. Now she is fine and I think that the short term pain of divorce is massively outweighed by the long term gain. The atmosphere around her is so much improved and that can only be a good thing.

Just a thought: to balance it out why don't you suggest he has her every other weekend and one night in the week? I'm a single parent and I relish the EOW I have my DC: these are the memory weekends, the rushing around for school / pre-school / work / clubs / preparing meals / activities during the week are just the boring mundane crap you have to get through before the fun (which don't necessarily mean spending lots of money) times you can have together at the weekends.....

I agree with the every other week suggestion. Currently he has her to do all the fun stuff, and you have the weekdays when it's less fun.

Yes that’s a good idea about every other weekend. We have all of Tuesday together and all of Friday together so I always try and plan something fun on those days. When we were together i would work of an evening when he got home from work so I could have the days with her, and we use to go everywhere together and have fun. But obviously money’s tighter now so our days out are different, but as long as we’re outdoors or visiting friends and family she’s happy just to get out. I think it’s just learning to adjust to a completley new way of life. Part of me misses the old life that I was use to, but the new arrangement will mean a happier and positive future.
@happylife21 glad your DD is happy now, was there anything in particular you done to help? Or was it just time?

My DD2 behaved the exact same way after the separation (she was just 4 at the time). I think it was her way of quickly 'cementing' her relationship with her father because she now realised that he was a flight risk.

It's actually good that she feels 'safe' enough with you to say these things to you, and in a way she's testing you as well. It really hurts but you have to keep reassuring her over and over again that no matter what she says or does, you'll always love her.

DD2 used to get really aggressive with me as well and try and hit and bite me, whilst screaming and crying. It was absolutely awful to watch but I would just have to reassure her and hug her afterwards.

A counsellor suggested I get her to draw how she feels and help her to articulate her anger. It's a lot easier 9 months on but she still likes to brag about how great Daddy is and I just smile and nod (secretly thinking what a shit he is, but she doesn't need to know that).

I agree that every OW plus one night per week would suit you better. How did you arrive at your current arrangement?

You need to think of the future too. When your DD is in primary school you won't be getting much quality time if you never see her at weekends. You and your ExP will probably move on to new relationships in time so he would probably want to change the arrangement then. Best to sort it now so everyone can get used to it.

I wouldn't be surprised your ex is saying things to her about you coming home and all being together knowing that she will say this to you. You'll just have to explain that she is very lucky as she has 2 homes now.

I also feel that children like to have boundaries and they learn that when they cross them and get told off, it is because you care.

Just be your normal self with her. Do enjoyable things together but don't spoil her. Whenever you have to say no to her or tell her off just explain why she can or can't do things and I think she'll turn out fine.

@spritesobright thank you for sharing that with me. The drawing sounds like it will really help, I will try that with her thank you. Glad it’s got easier for you.

@CoolJule43 we arrived at true current situation due to our work schedules I work Saturday so he takes her Friday night drops her back off Saturday tea time (he does this so I can’t go out, says it’s his only ‘free’ time) and then picks her up Sunday for a few hours . And I work Monday so he picks her up from preschool and takes her for tea.

Thank you I really hope this separation doesn’t affect her too much long term. I keep telling her she’s really lucky to have 2 homes and a mummy and daddy that love her loads. My mum and dad adore her so she’s gettig to live with nanny and grandad too so she seems really happy. I think to have stayed in the relationship would have made her believe that it was ‘normal’ to experience abusive partner. So I’m hoping that by breakinggthat cycle now (which was one of the hardest things I’ve done it wasent easy to walk away) that she’s going to lead a really happy and healthy life. Even though at the moment it doesn’t feel like it’s benefiting her in any way.

I felt like this when I split with DS dad, I think it’s more to do with the fact she doesn’t see him often so likes him being around her.
It’s like when you are younger and used to get excited about a sleepover because it’s fun and not the norm, I think the same thing applies here.