Ex doesn't seem interested in baby

[Kristiem88]

Hi all,
This is my first post so please bear with me, me and ex partner got together very quickly, after 6 months we found out I was pregnant and decided to keep the baby things started off well then at Xmas time I became poorly with vertigo was ill for 2weks really bad in the first week 3 days in partner left me to go to a boxing day party at his mates house obviously I was hurt and disappointed, he then didn't contact me for 2 days his excuse was he was poorly, sorted things out a teo weeks later he started cancelling and re arranging plans all the time this became a repeat issue and happened 4 times in one week, I got annoyed and had a melt down he didn't contact me for 2 days again, his excuse this time was his mates got him drunk hid his phone and then he was poorly!
Long story short I have ended the relationship since finding out most of what he has said is lies and he smokes weed every night and has done for 30 years. he never acted like he wanted to be fully with me he made excuse after excuse about not wanting to live together etc.
I am now 17 weeks pregnant I have heard nothing from the ex for about 2 weeks his last message to me was that he wanted to prove he would be a good dad and wanted to buy the baby some stuff etc. He came to the 1st scan but couldn't tell me how far on I was, hasn't asked about other scans or appointments or anything else, I feel like he has only sent this message because he felt he had to it didn't seem genuine. He is 42 years old but acting like a teenager.
Basically I want to know if I am being unreasonable by telling the ex that if he wants a relationship with his child he will have to go through the courts, he has no place of his own so no room to have a baby there over night, I don't want the baby there anyway while there are drugs around and I don't want him to be there when he decides it need to be consistent or not at all. In my eyes if it goes through court it is legal and he will have to stick to the agreement, I don't want to see another messed up child in the world because the father is a pathological liar and cat be bothered turning up when supposed to.
And I certainly don't want it growing up thinking drugs are the normality of life.

I think you're being a bit unreasonable. It's still early days in the pregnancy and you've recently broken up. Just offer to involve him however much you want at this point and leave it up to him to follow through or not. The baby won't be having overnights for the first while regardless. I just can't see why dragging this to court is the first step you want to pursue - it's time consuming, expensive and tedious and breeds contention. If he doesn't have a suitable place to get to know baby, offer a neutral location. For the first while it'll be small but frequent meetings anyway and you'd likely want to be there with your baby if at all possible - court mandated contact centers aren't likely to be what you want later on with a tiny baby.

Also even with court ordered contact, he doesn't legally have to follow through and see the child consistently. There's basically no way to enforce this unfortunately. You might get a schedule that says M/W/F for two hours but if he only decides to come Wednesday, there's very little you can actually do.

Op, it’s very early days and trying to decide details is impossible.
You have certain red lines which it good (no drugs etc) but you should wait until the baby arrives. If your ex is still around, you’ll probably start with him visiting dc for an hour. See how he copes. Parenthood may be too much for him or it may be a turning point. Probably not if he’s been using daily pot for 30 years.
rtmhwales Is right, court ordered access means you have to make child available for him to be with, he does not have to show up. I think you need to prepare for the worst - ie he will be absent/inconsistent & no help at all. Then anything else will be a nice surprise.

Op I agree with the previous posters, you are very early days in pregnancy. Dad may not be marriage material but may still be adjusting to dad material. Yes you are right to state drug free and he needs to have a stable place for contact, but this is a long way off yet. Do you know his parents, are they good people/grandparents?

20 week scan is a major event and he should be there if he cares, I would give him this chance as a dad, not a bf.

I wouldn't go the confrontational route. Probably he will drift out of your life, anyway, if you don't want him involved. I wouldn't preempt.

You don't have to add him to the birth certificate (he needs to attend for that, and you can just register the birth alone). Then he'd have to apply for parental responsibility to the court. I would leave it to him to instigate access etc. Obviously if he turns out to be an interested parent, don't put obstacles in his way, but if he's erratic or disinterested, then just let it drift. I don't see a crappy unreliable parent as better than an absent one.

If you want him to step up and be involved, there's actually nothing you or the courts can do to make him. Child support, maybe, the rest of it, no.

I understand you are feeling super let down, but depends if he is a danger to the child or if this is the hurt after a break up talking,
It will take a while for the dust to settle enough for you to know this ... and honestly I would be no different in your shoes.

But be sure you as A) you may not like what the courts put in place b) it’s going to be super stressful

I have a wonderful friend who went through similar and the dad disappeared for 3 years, in his late 4O’s he reappeared a d my friend although had her heart broken didn’t stop him but did Inforce the need for consistency and financial support.

My friend and the dad have a great friendship now ( child is 10 years ) he is totally there for his daughter he even sleeps over on couch Christmas time.

He pretty much does as he is told though , would I be as forgiving as my friend ... but hard to say but can I see in this situation the benifit to both mother and child ... absolutely
Trust me though at first we would have killed him... you are right to feel what you do but make sure it’s the right choice for your baby x

if it goes through court it is legal and he will have to stick to the agreement

Actually no, that's not how it works. Going to court just gives guidelines for access - no court in the world can make a man turn up for access.

He sounds totally useless - in his 40's with 30 years of weed smoking under his belt, sorry but he isn't sounding like "good dad" material. You'd be better off planning to be the best mother you can be, and not expecting anything from him.

So he has been doing drugs for 30 years and is completely unreliable. I strongly believe in fathers having contact with their children but not when on drugs.

Hi thank you for your replies,
We left it at he wanted to prove that he would be a good dad that was 2 weeks ago and not heard anything from him, obviously I am hurt which doesn't help with the hormones at that the moment, he is unreliable and I can't see him making any effort to be apart of DC life or at least only turning up when he decides he wants to, which is not fair on anyone. I don't believe that an inconsistent parent is better than no parent sorry to whoever said that but a parent being in and out of a child's life does more damage than a parent that has/never will be there.
I will of course take all comments and advice on board, right now the most important thing is looking after myself and bump and what will happen in the future is gonna happen one way or another. I or anyone else can't force him to be there for the child.
Thank you again.

I don't think anyone did say an inconsistent parent is better than an absent one: you may have misread me.

He sounds pathetic, tbh.
I wouldn't bother contacting him.
Leave him to make the effort.
Do not put on the birth certificate--he can make life hell for you if you do. He can take you to court for PR, if he really wants it, which is doubtful.
When baby is born, apply for CMS.
Plan and prepare to do this all on your own.

It's up to both of you to make this work. You are responsible for this child having a healthy emotional balanced life just as much as he is and it will take both of you working at it to get there.

You're only early I'm in the pregnancy and you're considering cutting him off from his child because he hasn't txt you for 2 weeks even though you aren't in a relationship?
Seriously?

You both sound like you need to spend the next 23 weeks doing some growing up!

because he hasn't txt you for 2 weeks even though you aren't in a relationship?
Seriously?

No I am cutting him off because he isn't bothered about his child, he would rather spend his time getting stoned and going out drinking with his mates than sitting down and having a conversation about the child he helped to make! I already have a child a 7yo ds who sees his dad regularly on a weekend we have a decent relationship and get along pretty well!

I don't intend on contacting him, it's upto him to get in touch, I pretty much have everything, and I am pretty much at the mindset that I am gonna be doing this alone, but I have some good friends and family to support me