Rebuilding relationship after affair

[Beachbooty]

Our best friends have been married for over 30 years. Both late fifties. Solid marriage, seem a great team, best friends or so we all thought. His dw discovered last summer that he had been having an affair with a woman 20 years younger than him and it been going on for two years. A full blown, emotional and sexual affair. He was only caught out after he got careless with his phone and our friend found an explicit message from ow. The affair is over and they’ve been going to counselling but she is broken. Myself and dh are so worried, she is on AD’s every conversation is dominated by talk of the affair, she perseverance’s over every detail. Her DH who is/was a great friend of ours (I’m struggling with him tbh) is deeply depressed but says he wants to try to make his marriage work even though he was in love of so he thinks with the ow. Has anyone’s dh/dw had an affair and has come out the other side and managed to rebuild the marriage? We really want to help them.

perseverates not perseverance’s

I personally think that the damage of a 2 year affair is irreparable

@camellia5 tbh me too, but they want to stay together

Why is she staying with him?

I hear you’re close but I wouldn’t get involved at all as it’s deeply personal between them. If you agree with her that’s he’s a dick (he is) you risk her throwing it back at you in the future. If they want to try and work through it their counselling sessions are the place to do it.

Keep an eye on her and try to support her without getting too involved.

@Annelovesgilbert good advice, we are both being there for them but trying to keep our distance. It’s a fine balance.

why is she staying with him

He was her first love, the only man she’s ever known and slept with. I really think she doesn’t want to be alone or go through the hassle of dating. She begged him to stay with her, totally did the pick me dance, me and Dj think that he would have left her eventually for OW.

I really feel for you. My very close friends are having a horrible time of it, mercifully no one else involved, but it’s shit all the same and a painful balancing act.

I’ve fallen foul in the past of siding and sympathising with another friend whose bf of the time was being a tosser. Her family were completely taken in by him and I became her “he’s done it again/we’ve had another row” etc person but I learnt not to ever agree he was being a twat as she’d then get super defensive when things were rosy again. Nightmare!

Hopefully your friend will see the light and leave the cheating bastard but no one knows what will happen and the drama will take a big toll on you and your husband if you get too close to it.

Oh he really should have just left. This will just fester. He might even still be seeing the other woman. If not, he might well just start another affair. There might have been a succession before her. All these doubts will eat away at her.
Nothing you can do, but be there for them both.

@annelovesgilbert yes it’s really tough. I really hope they can resolve things but it looks unlikely. By his own admission to DH he was in love with this woman she probably still is. It’s a total shitstorm. Before any of this came out we booked a holiday to Canada for this coming September and I’m just dreading it.

I doubt there is any possibility of repairing this without your friend sacrificing a bit part of her happiness.

I’d be cancelling the holiday, and being clear why. That they had a lot of rebuilding to do, and serious quality time with each other is needed.

Privately, there’s no way I could sit with someone so dishonest who’d hurt my friend so badly. And my holiday time is precious to me, a chance for fun and light-heartedness. What they are going through is neither. The trip might even be their ‘light on the horizon’ that will magically fix things. No way would I agree to be in the centre of that inevitable shit-storm, sorry.

Get what money you can back early.

How long ago did she find out?

They’re both pretty fucked in this one.
He admitted he was in love with the ow. But has decided to stay because she begged him.

Well that’s a great relationship going forward.

I would just ignore it all. Even with closest friends, their life is something that you’ll never be able to grasp. Just be totally neutral.

I think he'd probably rather be spending time with OW than in Canada with his poor wife and you two. It won't be an enjoyable holiday for anyone. You and DH should probably cancel it and do something on your own. Keep a bit of distance. Eventually the marriage will end and you can support her.