Please help me leave

[Nc2201]

I really need a handhold.
I’ve posted on here before, almost left then things got a lot better.
We’re on holiday right now, due to be flying home (long haul) tomorrow. Holiday was nice, then 2 days ago my mum flew out to meet us as planned (she lives a short flight away and occasionally does this so we can have a couple of childfree evenings out on holiday.) Since then dp has been amping up the sulking, awkward behaviour. Today we were all out for the day and on the beach. He was sitting under an umbrella having a snack, I was sitting on a little jetty chatting with my mum while dc played in the sea next to us. Went over to dp to see if he was ready to go and he blew up at me for “excluding” him and ignoring him. I was so surprised and apologetic as had just been relaxed and chatting, as I haven’t seen my mum in months. He hadn’t come over or done anything to suggest he wanted to go or felt shit. I apologised profusely, he stormed off. Walked way ahead of us the next 2 hours, bought his own coffee and lunch. Then when I asked him to please calm down and again apologised, he walked off and told me he wasn’t going on our planned boat excursion. I was texting him begging him to meet us and stop, he was just nasty. He finally did turn up at the boat but then continued to give me the cold shoulder, sat away from us the whole 2 hours. By the end of the trip I was just so
Gutted and couldn’t believe how he was acting. I asked him to please stop this overreacting and enjoy the last day with us. He accused me of “screaming at him” and walked off again. Texted me that I needed to apologise “and mean it” or he was packing his bags and going to another hotel. He’s threatened to leave a lot in arguments, I’ve told him how panicked it makes me feel. I crumbled and was begging him not to on text. He said he’d left his keys and would see me at airport tomorrow. Then called me to have a go at me. I am so ashamed I got upset and was trying to get him to meet me and sort it out. My mum was appalled by this whole thing. He’s done similar before but never in front of someone like that. Dc was confused about where he had gone etc. He then found us in the square and was saying “why do you want to be with me if I’m such a shit partner”, when I said I didn’t want this stuff from my fiancé he was saying if I thought he was so bad I should leave. Then he said he didn’t want to break up. He had no bags with him etc and admitted he hasn’t left his keys at the hotel. It was all just a manipulation. I told him how upset I was that he’d ruined the day and he was irritable telling me to move on so we could “salvage the evening”. I just couldn’t. I couldn’t believe how he had wrecked such a nice day. I planned and booked the entire holiday, all he had to do was show up, and the short time (20 mins) when I was just relaxed chatting to mum he decided to teach me a lesson.
I can’t come down from my anger. I am so embarrassed he did this in front of mum, angry on dc behalf, angry that all I will remember of this much needed holiday is this ugly day.
I want to leave him and end this. He’s done similar so many times and he threatens me to keep me in line. I don’t want dc to think it’s normal for dad to storm off, sulk, threaten.
I cannot bear the flight home with him. I want to leave him to it and get a different flight or something. I am so scared he will win me back round like always.
I need some strength right now.

Maybe you can get different seats on the flight home. He was being emotionally abusive. That horrible day will just keep happening. Be brave, you WILL be happier for it.

He just can’t help reverting to type can he? i.e a manipulative, gaslighting bully who throws a strop when he can’t his own way or keep you under his control- how dare you speak to your mum and not pay attention to only him at all times

He doesn’t love you he just loves the control he has over you and your emotions, he loves the panic and pleading and begging him to stay it makes him feel powerful and you weak. He loves it when you’re week because he can control you better and get the kick he needs from making you feel worthless and desperate.

He loves to abuse you OP and you deserve better. LTfuckingB

I have been where you are now. I know what it feels like and how torn you must feel. Realising that whatever efforts you go to are never going to be enough, no amount of love for your partner is ever going to be enough, because, like previous posters have said, it’s about control, it may feel like love and the things he says when things are good, but the actions he shows are not loving, it’s control and manipulation. I know the turmoil realising all this and how low you can feel but, you will feel so much stronger leaving a partner who acts like this. I am three weeks in since I told my partner to leave and I feel so much better in myself. You can leave, you know you want to leave, you know you cannot live like this. If he didn’t care how he is behaving in front of your mum and anyone else, can you imagine what he will do behind closed doors? Let’s say, he gets really angry, like my ex did, and starts being physical, will that make you leave? At what point will you decide enough is enough? What’s your threshold? What behaviour from him towards you, will make you go “enough”?

He is a manipulative and controlling arsehole and you CAN do so much better!

Leave him, find a real man and live the best life that you can for you and your dc xx

Sort out your plan, and if you waver come back here and tell us again why you need to leave and we will shore you up. and ((()))

I really, really needed to hear these comments. Thank you. We sat apart on the plane and I’ve just told him calmly I’d like to separate. I feel so sad because of the good times and he is so full of promises to be a better partner, not be emotionally abusive, sort out his mental health issues. But I can’t cheer up this time, I have no hope for us.
Really sad today but I know it can’t go on.

you have to be strong, actions are needed by him, not words. His actions are manipulative, nasty and designed to make you feel like a pile of shit.

Please dont let him sweet talk you into 'how he will change' - he wont. Been there, they dont change. But you can. Stop being his doormat and emotional punch bag.

Anyone can tell you they can be a better person but if they don't show it, it's just air.

People can't just change over night. It's a long and difficult process that takes years. If you do take him back, he will probably change for a month maximum. After that, he will be back to the abusive man that he really is.

Well done for being brave and taking the first steps to a better life. I'm really proud of you.

Well done OP, it is just so obvious from us outside that you can't, and mustn't, keep appeasing this abusive wanker but I'm sure it feels different from the inside. Please hold onto cold anger and follow through. You will all, including him maybe, be happier. Good luck.

I feel so torn now. He said he knew he had problems, that he needed to step up and stop doing this it’s a vicious cycle. He promised he would try his best if I gave him a chance. I feel like I’m being a dick by not just getting over it.. I don’t know why the other day was such a final straw for me,
I guess I’m just so sick of being manipulated and pushed around whenever conflict arises (and in this case it wasn’t even conflict.. just a normal, nice day). I want to believe this is a wake up call for him and things could be better but can he change?! Can you marry someone when these horrible incidents happen at least once a month for the last year, where someone constantly threatens the relationship to provoke your distress and compliance? It’s not the basis for a good marriage is it? I feel so sad and just wish I could be optimistic, I used to love him so much but it feels like all my hope and feelings are finally fading fast.

No, it's not ok and it's not a healthy relationship.
If he really wanted to change, he would have already. People in love don't do that to each other.

I'm sorry but he will never change.

This is yet another manipulation to keep you in his control.

Don’t let him chip away at your resolve. He desperately needs to keep you under his control so will say anything to get you to stay at this point.
Try and get on to a freedom programme course, it will help you to recognise the cycle of abuse.

you have to stay strong, this is just another way to control you. If he really wants to change let him change without you being there. Honestly OP, Ive been in your shoes, try the freedom programme, Im just about to do it and I know it will be hard but I need to do it.

End the cycle for you.

You shouldn't feel like a knob for not getting over it. There is only so much you can take before the final straw. I know as Ive been in very similar relationship (which I recently ended) You've had a wake up call and now starting to feel anger and resentment instead of always appeasing him and letting his manipulative behaviour go.
I know how easy it is. Me and ex were deeply in love and I thought we'd grow old together. The sulking started off subtly but gradually I started recognising the patterns - me pleasing him, not wanting to rock the boat. He was very clever with words, I felt like I couldn't express myself. He used to always say we should call it a day and I would respond all upset then we'd make up. It was all manipulation. My wake up call also happened on holiday with our respective children and my mum there! This time I didn't appease, I felt utter disgust for him and had to tell myself 'don't ever forget this'. I too used to book and plan everything. Luckily we didn't live together so ending things was a lot easier. But oh my the begging and pleading, acting sooo nice after on the phone. At first I felt awful hurting him, I had to cut contact and ignored for a few weeks, wrote all the stuff hed done down. Then after that time I knew there was no going back... he still texts, asking to be friends. I politely but firmly keep saying no thank you but wish you all the best etc.
Your partner blowing up like that on holiday was appalling. I bet you feel annoyed with yourself that you apologised too. It is unforgivable. You do realise if you stay with him things will escalate and get worse. Please don't marry this man!!!

The only way you can salvage anything is by making him leave - each time he forces you to beg (and he knows you will) you are caught in a trap

What a fucking horrible relationship, he sulks, threatens, manipulates you by being an aggressive little twat. Please don’t listen to his bullshit, OP. You know he won’t chqnge and what a bloody awful template for the dc to see as their relationship model.