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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Help me leave my relationship

13 replies

surethang · 24/02/2019 10:44

I posted yesterday but on the wrong thread so hoping I can get some help here.

My partner is emotionally, physically and financially abusive. We have a 9 month old together, I know this is terrible but when I found out I was pregnant I was delighted because I thought he would leave me alone for 9 months, at least he wouldn't hit me. He owns his own house Mortgage free and rents it out and lives with me in my 2 bed flat. He has gave his 2 children my baby's room and when I mentioned moving her cot in their told me no as it's not fair on his kids. I've asked him to leave before and he beat me while his kids were in the living room and when my daughter was on the bed next to me. I can't tell anybody as he's a handful and my family will try to "seek revenge" and will make everything worse.

I know his ex has rang the police on him before and he got NFA as no evidence, he told them she hurt herself and she had to see people for mental health as the police said she was lying. I'm trapped and I'm scared, if I disappear he will make my families life hell. I wish I never met him and I just want to get away from him 😢

OP posts:
surethang · 24/02/2019 11:08

He doesn't give me any money towards living costs, car, food and he has never spent a penny on our daughter not even a pack of nappies. He has got rid of his car and brought a land rover defender when I told him it wasn't practical he said it's not like me and the baby will ever go in it it's for him and "his girls" I took his name off the insurance and i thought he would now be using his own vehicle and it makes me insurance cheaper and I got a beating and he just uses my car anyway. No contribution to tax or insurance but he says I should be greatful if he even puts petrol in as it's "my car" .

He took his phone contract out in my name and doesn't pay it so I have to pay his contract otherwise my credit will go down, I've just had enough and if I didn't have my daughter I'd take the easy way out.

Please help

OP posts:
Whisky2014 · 24/02/2019 11:12

Jesus. So if you wait until he leaves he house can you get the locks changed? Bag up all his shit and leave it outside and have family members over at your house around the time had come home? Also maybe call the police to let them know what's been going on and what you plan to do.
Can you not go to the police now anyway and tell them he has been hitting you?
Call woman's aid for advice.

Whisky2014 · 24/02/2019 11:13

If he takes your car, call police to say he has stolen it. Report him for not having insurance.
Report him for fraudulently putting his phone contract in your name.

surethang · 24/02/2019 11:15

I just can't do it I don't know why. I think I'm too scared to do it. I just keep hoping he'll leave me but he has it too easy here so why would he

OP posts:
Abitlost2015 · 24/02/2019 11:15

You need support. Your GP can direct you to a group in your area that supports women in abusive relationships. Your health visitor can refer you too. Please make an appointment and talk to them.

surethang · 24/02/2019 11:18

He's too clever for the police, he's sneaky and slimy and will get out of it somehow and come back and get me. I'm sat here crying about it already. My anxiety is through the roof constantly

OP posts:
rumptifizzer · 24/02/2019 11:23

Stop saying he's, this that and the other and start saying I can, I will, I do. Decide what you want, try and get family on board and get out of there. Ring women's aid for help and support. Try and have a plan. Try not to be scared anymore. You are getting your life back and you can do it, keep telling yourself you will do it. Good luck.

Whisky2014 · 24/02/2019 13:22

Well if he comes back you call police.
Or of course you can do nothing and live your life like this...

Abitlost2015 · 24/02/2019 13:28

OP, I say this with all my kindness, you are looking at the situation from the perspective of a victim, that is not your fault, his unacceptable behaviour has led to this. Strangers on the internet saying you can do it will not change this. It is still true, you can do it. He does not have all the power he seems to have now. It will take support from others for you to be able to see this and leave. Please seek help in real life. Your health visitor or GP can direct you to support. Reach to your family if they may be of help. He is a sad violent man who should not rule your life.

Bananalanacake · 24/02/2019 18:24

Can you get a non mol order. As above get your gp or health visitor to help. He has no right to be in your home.

Ribbon86 · 24/02/2019 18:27

OP how’s things now are you ok ? Can you maybe record him on your phone without him knowning it’ll give you some evidence at least that’s if you aren’t confident leaving just yet . He needs to get what’s coming to him ..... a long long jail sentence . Please keep you and your dd safe

NotTheFordType · 24/02/2019 20:47

OP you've had a few flippant posts on this thread which aren't really helpful, but there are also those of us here who have walked in your shoes and understand how fearful you are.

First things first: take stock of where you are.

Housing: are you in rented or owned? If rented (whether private or HA), is the lease in your name only, or have you added him to the lease? If you own, have you added him to the deeds?

Support: Sounds like your family are quite volatile. Is there anyone in the family, perhaps an aunt/uncle or cousin, who is a bit more sensible and could help you both emotionally and practically? Apart from your family, is there any friends that you're close to and you feel would be supportive? Even if he's isolated you from your friends, you can still reach out (safely, without his knowledge.) If I had a friend who had fallen off the face of the earth when she got a new partner and then got a message from her saying "please help me" I would without doubt be there.

Aside from family and friends, do you have a HV? When s/he visits, is your abuser present or are you normally alone? If alone, please consider confiding in the HV, they are trained in how to deal with domestic abuse.

Also: GP. Have you ever needed medical treatment after he's hit you? Or does he make sure he only hits the parts that hurt but don't bruise? Even if you haven't needed physical medical attention, you for sure need mental health support. Make an appointment with your GP and ask for help. Again GPs are trained in dealing with DV. If you can't face saying anything, just pull this thread up on your phone and ask GP to read it.

Womens Aid: Someone has already signposted this, but please do call them. They are there to help you. They can advise on housing, legal, childcare, police and all sorts of things. Most importantly, they can let you know that you deserve better than this.

Finances: Do you have a job that you're on maternity leave from? If you returned to work full time tomorrow could you cope financially? Is there anyone you'd trust in your family to do childcare, or could you handle the cost of a childminder? Would your salary cover that - if not, could you get child tax credits (or whatever they're called now) to offset the difference? If that wouldn't work could you claim income support as your child is below school age? {again - my knowledge is out of date and it wouldn't surprise me to hear that the DWP now require every new mother to be back at work within 6 weeks but let me shut the fuck up about politics)

Don't even think about maintenance for now - he's giving you fuck all already so it's hardly a loss. You can choose to pursue that at a later date, or not bother.

OP you are worth so much more than this, and so is your daughter. I wish I could give you a great big hug. You deserve to live your life without fear of being caused pain. I truly hope you can recognise your own value as a human being.

Ella2103 · 25/02/2019 00:47

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