DH annoyed with grown-up DSD

[Allfednonedead]

I have a lovely DSD 24, whom my DH loves more than he can say. However, he gets moody with her because she doesn’t get in touch enough.

Atm he’s cross because she hadn’t told him about a new boyfriend, even though she has mentioned him to everyone else (her DM, me, my PIL). This is largely because we’ve barely seen her since the new BF has been on the scene.

I get that he’s hurt and am sympathetic to that, but I feel she’s only going to want to see him less if he gets all grumpy and passive-aggressive with her when she does see him and tell him about her life.

He also feels hard-done-by because she doesn’t come and see us often. Do I tell him that one reason for this (as she told me) is that she can’t bear to see him sitting oblivious while I run around after our 3 much younger DC?

This all makes him sound awful, but he’s not. He’s autistic and does his very best with all his children and with me - I am very happy in our relationship, in particular the level of support he provides me with my difficult MH.

Is there any way I can suggest he change his thinking about his DD to encourage an easier relationship with her?

I would normally say leave it to him but if he has ASD I suppose a nudge might be useful. She's an adult. She doesn't owe him anything.

Explain that as a kid, children worship their parents regardless. As adults you have to earn their respect and any further adoration. As a young woman seeing someone in her future position (maybe) be treated badly by your father (not pulling his weight with kids)....that is hard to respect.

It sounds like you have a good relationship with DSD. That's a good start. It is down to him really, though. Don't meddle too much as you risk ruining your own relationship with her.

Thank you, Dirtybadger, I think you’re right and I should stay out of it. They’ll work it out between them - I can’t try to fix a relationship between two adults.

I think the problem though is the fact that she doesnt want a relationship with him because she doesnt see him as a particularly good father to either her or her half siblings.

Yes continue your relationship with her and keep out of it but also look at what she is saying you have 3 children you want to have a good relationship with your children - you are happy and think he does his best, but she doesnt