Following cheating do you still have to do bday cards from kids?

[Sjames2408]

I recently posted about my situation, basically my husband is a cheating selfish lying rat. However, apart from the last few wks he had always been a good dad. We are trying to agree contact with the kids and I don’t want my kids to suffer because he’s a twat. Anyway this is may be a really stupid question but do I still have to arrange birthday card for him from the kids? I only found out about the cheating in a really cruel horrible way last week and the birthday is in another couple of weeks. Am I petty if I don’t do cards from the kids.

The twat helped the kids make valentines cards for me (a couple of days before I found out about the cheating, we’ve been separated for months before I found out about OW).

Yes. It's not about you, it's about the children. I buy my ex nice cards and presents even though he's an abusive twat because it's not about my feelings.

Can someone else help your dc, EG grandparents, aunt or uncle?

I totally understand your reluctance, but if nobody helps the dc then they may get guilt tripped by him and feel awful.

(if they're both under 3 then fuck it, his family can do it...)

Yes. Just because what he’s done doesn’t stop him being their Dad. Rise above it, don’t drag the children into it.

Thanks. I think if it wasn’t so raw I’d not be too fussed and get on with it. Also his lack of interest in his kids the last few weeks has infuriated me...

The kids are little, 2 and just turned 4 so I would have to buy card or help them make one. I’m glad I asked though as I was leaning on not getting a card...

Take them to Card Factory and get them to pick a card. Sit them down with pens , put card into envelope and seal. If you want to buy a token gift take kids to Poundland and get them to choose random gift. Basically do the bare minimum. Kids usually enjoy giving gifts and you don't want them to feel awkward if their Dad mentions his birthday.

With Mother's Day coming up next month you'll want to set the tone.

I do. Because it's for the kids. Not for him really.

The kids want to get my abusive ex a card and present so I sort it for them. It makes them happy, but makes me sick. I can swallow it for them

I draw the line at a present, but will help the kids get a card. They love making cards so it will make them happy and I’ll just focus on that and not who it is for.

I don’t expect him to arrange the same for me, although know my parents would help the kids get me mother’s day card/birthday card so know they won’t miss out on that.

I disagree with the other posters. If the kids were a bit older, say 8 or 9 and knew it was his birthday and wanted to make or get him a card, then yes I'd probably help facilitate it. But 2 and 4? They will have no clue it's his birthday (the 2 year old won't even know what a birthday is) so it won't make a jot of difference to them. Why play along with the happy families thing for his benefit? Why put yourself out for him? It's not for the kids benefit as they won't know any better. Seriously, why bother?

I did. Fathers day was a week after exh left me for OW and also cleared out our joint bank account. I felt better for doing the right thing it was the right decision. Im 5 years plus on now. Sending you strength to get through this.

Sometimes I despair reading some posts! Poundland?? really?? don't fall into the "bitter" trap. Bitter seems a forbidden word on MN, but reading some comments, what else could it be described as, saying make the minimum effort possible? Be the better person I say. Nothing has a better effect than being the better person. If your ex has cheated, don't use the kids as any sort of weapon, otherwise it makes you look bitter and vindictive. Nothing gets up shit heads noses better than being above their level , and the kids benefit, win win situation.

There's no right or wrong answer for this tbh.

If I were him I wouldn't be expecting a card from them under the circumstances.

I totally get where you're coming from. I was in a very similar position 5 years ago.
I posted on here roundabout that time asking for opinions on a situation regarding my ex. The wisest advice was 'pick your battles' and I've remembered that ever since - and I have picked & chosen in the last 5 years, believe me!

Anyway, regarding the cards - yes do it. There's been times over the last 5 years when I would've rather shat in my hands and clapped than give a card to my ex (on daughter's behalf) but I did, through gritted teeth. It's just the best for children to see civility between mum and dad really. She likes seeing her dad's reaction when he receives the cards and that's the only incentive I need. And I get some pretty nice gifts off him on my birthday! I'm in a much better place now and soon you will be too, ex is just an afterthought now x

As long as the children are looked after good it doesn't matter if you get cards or not. I don't for mine as his useless and don't bother to show kids for me like that so I refuse as I tell the kids they can if they want to the choice is there's as I am not forcing them to make cards or buy cards. At 2 and 4 years old it's not dramatically life changing if they miss cards or if they make them.

No. At 2 and 4 they have no idea his birthday is coming and don't really understand what it is so it will mean nothing to them at this point.

My cheating twat of an ExH posted an attention seeking rant on Facebook last year about how I had 'prevented' him from speaking to our DC on his birthday. The truth is, we all forgot. Had the kids asked to ring him or send him a card, I'd have done that to make them happy. He didn't call them on the day. If he had, I'd have let him speak to them.

My point is, it's about the kids. Yours are very young, so maybe ask them if they'd like to buy/make a card for Daddy and if they say yes (which they will likely do), do it. Fuck buying a present for him though. In later years they can decide what they want to do, but for now be the better person.

I wouldn't do it either. They don't know or won't remember getting him a card. Be true to yourself. This is also about you. If it sickens or upsets you to do it, then don't.

Send a card for sure.

You don't want him being bitter about you to your children in the future.

I'm mid 30s and I'm getting this now from my father.

Things are tough, I hope they get better for you quickly x

It’s hard but my 4 year old knows when their dads bitthday is, so I would recognise it and let them make something and just give some chocolate or something. They will feel happy to have given something to their dad and you’re the better person.

Interesting different opinions.

I thought I was doing a good job of keeping the kids out of all of the goings on. But the eldest (4) has picked up on things . So I think a card to her daddy will definitely make her feel happier so we’re going do that tomorrow and they can choose some sweets from the shop and wrap them up, all stuff both of them will enjoy doing. As much as I’m hurting, if I can do anything to make things more normal and better for my DC I will do it.