Break up - 'who knows what will happen'

[Titaniumvice]

I mutually broke up with my gf of three years.
When we broke up I said we may see things differently in months to come.
She replied yeah who knows in a few months.
I then sent her a final email just thanking her for our time together and I'm here if she ever needs etc. I said maybe in a little while we might want to meet and see how things are going.
She replied, thanking me for the time together, said I can get in touch if I need too and also said who knows what will happen in the future.

Is she just saying this to be polite?
After this she wished me a good evening and I said speak soon.
She hasn't contacted me since.
Should I leave her be now and see if she gets in touch with me?

Again? We can't read her mind, but I'd say she was polite and distant. Move on!! Leave her be or her polite replies will become less polite and more 'fuck off'.

You said it was mutual. But it doesn't sound mutual. Did you want to split up? If not then definitely leave it....Because you haven't split up mutually, she has split up with you.

If it was mutual then you don't want to he together so...still leave it. Sorry.

What do you hope to gain from contacting her again? A friendship with your ex would be awkward for a future gf. If you want to get back together then be honest about it. I hope you have left it a while to respect the plan, then theres no harm in dropping her a line. But figure out why you're doing it first

These friendships never work. You wish each other well, draw a line and move on.

Yes, leave her be. Don’t shilly shally about, one foot in and one foot out. If you’re done, you’re done. It’s not fair to either of you to dangle the idea that you might get back together (presumably if neither of you find someone else before you start getting lonely/desperate).

I'd personally leave it. I've been in a similar situation and my ex killed our relationship with his neediness. I was frequently made to feel I was not good enough because I couldn't spend as much time with him as he wanted or had the same relationship goals. There's much more to it but it's not pertinent to your situation. My own fault really I should have been firmer. I ended up an anxious mess. We split and he wanted to stay friends but wanted a certain level of friendship whereas I preferred to just see how it went. We had tried friendship before and he soon settled into thinking we were in a relationship again completely ignoring my feelings. That started a vicious circle which was no good for either of us. Anyway I am ashamed to say I ghosted him up until I could see he was moving on with his life then completely blocked him. Not the best way of dealing with it but with my anxiety I had to do what was best for me.

What I'm trying to say is leave it. If she wants to get in touch she will. Don't force something one sided. Don't appear needy. Just keep your happier memories and don't taint them with sad ones. Try and move on. I know it's hard, I actually miss my ex in some ways but I know it's for the best and he actually seems happier now.

Either this was a mutual breakup, and you are now broken up, and will either not contact each other at all, or will contact each other rarely out of politeness - or this was a pretend breakup and one of you did it to make a point. Which is it?

I think was a mutual break up because I couldn't see any other way. Doesn't mean I don't have deep feelings for her, I think I always will. I sent her a email afternoon we split saying I'm gutted we broke, that I care for her and I thanked her for the good times.
Towards the end I tried and tired to do things together, we needed more time together to reconnect but unfortunately she was busy quite a lot and she would say things like I'll let you know. But wouldn't. I tried to express how I was feeling and when I did She would say things like I'm sorry you feel like that, maybe if you do then you are better off without me etc. She would then get upset, blame herself etc. She would then say she would make more effort but she never really did. Again I would ask to do stuff and it would be the same reply. I understand people are busy and I told her that and I also said I don't expect her to change plans. But this was over a few months. Then al off a sudeen she would ask to do something. Not often but sometimes. I'd ask to stay the night together, she never could.
In the end I could see no other option but to stop. So we mutually agreed to do so, even though it breaks my heart to do it.
When I sent her the email she did reply a couple of times and I left it with speak soon. I haven't spoken to her since and I don't want to be that guy who nags her. As much as I want her back, I also respect she needs space and time to herself. If she finds someone else than I am happy for her. It will hurt but at least I know she is happy.

She doesn't want contact with you. She kept saying she was busy because she really didn't want to see you.

You have split up so need to start looking forward to the future and enjoying your life either with someone else or by yourself. Don't waste time expecting her to 'speak soon'.

@CoolJule43
That's fair enough. I just wish she told me straight. I still don't know really if she felt anything for me in the end or not. I would ask if she wanted to be with me and I would say she has never said that she doesn't want to.

Like you've said I need to start looking forward.

** and she would say she has never said she doesn't want to.

So this:
A: Do you want to be with me?
B: I've never said I don't want to.

That's a cop-out. She was avoiding saying "yes", because it would have been a lie - but didn't want to say "no" as it was quite an awkward situation.

If you asked a question like this, maybe she thinks you are a bit needy, and would react badly to being told that she is not interested in you any more.

@ravenmum

I had to ask though as the behaviour made me wonder. Surely anyone would question it?
I don't think I'm needy I was just trying to work out the situation as I wasn't getting any straight answers.
For whatever reason she felt she couldn't tell me. I'd of just rather known.

I'm not saying you're needy, rather that she might think you're needy/vulnerable, which would explain why she's avoiding being honest. You describe yourself as desperately trying to get her to do stuff with you or stay with you. Maybe she likes someone who plays harder to get?!

Straight answers are hard to get in any relationship. Hard to give, too. You don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. And sometimes you don't even know what's going on in your mind yourself.

It sounds like you want to get back together. She clearly doesn’t. I’d leave it now.

@holidayshopping
I miss her. A lot.
It's good to read people's thoughts in the situation so thanks.
I will leave her be now yes, I haven't been trying to get in touch at all. I'm just carrying on.

Women frequently try to "soften the blow" by giving a vague illusion of future times when things might change.

We don't mean it, it's simple self-preservation instinct because so many men become violent and threatening during a break up.

Unfortunately this means fellas like yourself (and to be clear, I'm not saying you were threatening - it's an instinct) end up living on false hope.

She's not interested - move on and live well!

Don’t leave her be for now, just leave her be! You’ve written about this supposed mutual break up before and it was clear then, that the ‘break up’ was supposed to be a jolt to bring her to her senses. Except she hasn’t come to her senses and you keep failing to accept that the relationship is over.

Move on, she’d make the effort if she wanted to but she hasn’t, actions speak louder than words and all that.

OP did you post about her the other day? This sounds very similar. If it’s the same one then she isn’t ‘busy’ she’s just an introvert and you finished with her because you’d hardly see her.

If you wanna get back with her then contact her but keep in mind that she is who she is and you have no right trying to change her.

If you aren’t the same poster then... I’m not sure what you should do.

@AgentJohnson
It wasn't a 'jolt' to bring her to her senses. I could see no other option. I tried to works things out and to spend time with me, it's clear now she didn't want too. I admit I found it hard to accept she didn't like me anymore because we were together a long time and my feelings towards her still remain the same even deep down I probably knew she had lost interest.

@ravenmum
Maybe she did think I was needy for asking her to do things with me. But I'm sorry, we were in a relationship, I wanted to see and do things with her, especially as I was trying to show her how good we could be together. But for what ever reason she didn't want to. Maybe she does like someone who plays hard to get, but we were in a relationship, I didn't think we would still have to play games. All I wanted to do was spend time with her. I can't just switch off my feelings for her...she might be able to with me, in fact they were probably switched off a long time ago...I won't contact her as has been said, and haven't contacted her since. Like I said I don't want to be that person who constantly messages their ex. I just need time to get over it, like I said I just can't switch off my feelings for her.

Maybe she does like someone who plays hard to get, but we were in a relationship, I didn't think we would still have to play games.
She is not you. Other people see and do things differently to you.

@ravenmum

That's fair comment.
She's gone now I will get on

It wasn't a 'jolt' to bring her to her senses.

If it wasn’t, why the hell did you contact her? She barely made time for you when you were in a relationship, the likelyhood that you’d get the type of friendship you supposedly wanted, was slim to none.

You were incompatible on a fundamental level but something in you refused to accept that, instead you put all your energies in getting her to be different, a pattern that unfortunately continued post break up.

@agentjohnson

I contacted her to get my feelings across to her. I don't know why I just felt I needed too. I know looking at it from another point of view it was obvious she had no interest but I fell bad for her. And when I'm in that mind frame I guess I was seeing things differently or refusing to see what was happening. I can't just switch my feelings off for her.
I guess it's just a case of I felt more for her than she felt for me