MALE friends - repost

[lifegoes]

Lately I seem to attract really jealous men. I'm not sure if it's me, so looking for advice.

My horrific ex was controlling and very jealous (amongst other things) he hated that I had Male friends. Friends I've known for years, he would get very jealous and dislike if I went out and they were there. (Not drinking out but at rugby or cricket) due to this hobby I've met a lot of friends both Male and female this way. He would say "I trust you, it's them I don't trust. I know what men are like" he would go in a huff and if I tried to text him he'd be cold for days.

Anyway in the end and months of trying to convince him I'm doing nothing wrong. I would never cheat or be disloyal. When this ended I put this down to him being controlling and also lying about his life.

I've started to meet someone else, we click and he's lovely. It's early days. But he's done exactly the same today, gone in a huff when I told him who I was out with and gone really cold. Can I add there are females here, it just happens we are here as a group.

Am I doing something wrong, to have a relationship will I have to lose my Male friends

Oh hun I have had my fair share too and it seems we dated very similar men last time. Mine was incredibly manipulative, jealous and controlling. Nothing I did was ever enough. Thankfully he is gone for good and he has already found another woman and it’s less than three weeks since we split. Maybe read about narsistic behaviour and how they lure you in. I am doing a lot of reading and having counselling. But life is so much better without him. Sending hugs.

Btw, you are not doing anything wrong. Are there any other red flags regarding the new man?

@Canthearthroughmyglasses I totally realised after I left my last one that he was a narcissist. It's really made me aware of signs etc

But I didn't expect to meet the next one and he be jealous also. So I wondered if this was me, should I be going out less with Male friends. Is this normal for men to behave like this.

I'm on the verge of just walking away if this isn't my fault.

@Canthearthroughmyglasses no none and I'm really on the look out this time 😂

I was quite shocked he behaved in this way today. That's why I wondered if this was my fault somehow. Two men, both jealous of the same thing. So early on.

It's not your fault and you shouldn't give any friends up. I had the same and it's awful. This whole thing too about 'I know what men are like' is ridiculous. Like you're going to throw your legs open at any man who shows interest.

Don't lose your friends and don't change. I wonder if you are doing one of two things... either not being clear enough about how you won't tollerate this when it comes up (although I would say that, independently of your reaction, if anyone shows this kind of thinking then they deserve the bin) or you're overstating male friendships early on because you're conscious about it?

Anyway you are better off without these men. I'd put it down to bad luck having two in a row - you're not doing anything wrong by having male friends. There was a good thread about this recently (platonic friendships) that helped to show me that it's perfectly normal - have you read it?

Thank you @falaff I think you may be right on both actually.

It never bothered me before, mainly because If I'm with someone it wouldn't even enter my head to go with someone else.
with my ex he got so bad I would have to prove that I wasn't messaging them and nothing was going on. So with this in mind, when this one asked who I was with I said friends and he said Male I take it and I said both actually we always meet up. He went in a huff!

I just sensed myself trying to explain straight away due to previous. But it might have made it look like I was doing something 🙄

When he said "I know what men are like" I should have seen that flag. Because that's EXACTLY how he turned out to be.

But after this reassurance I know I'm not wrong. So if a man wants to act like this, he can do one.

I get that it may have made you look suspicious - I used to freak out and feel like I had to justify myself. I got like that even though I was doing absolutely nothing wrong. And it's so hard in hindsight to not just think why didn't I just tell him to shut up?! It's because it's subtle and more of a grumpy dig than an all out accusation.

Head up and remember you're better off without these people. It turned me into an anxious wreck and I lost a part of myself that I've only really just started to get back.

Oh @falaff you sound just like me there.

My ex total broke me and I'm just starting to get my confidence back and rem who I am.
That's why it knocked me with this new guy.

But you are right, it's not us it's them.

I totally hear the points about where it would be a sly mention or dig, but you knew he meant it. So found yourself defending yourself, trying to make them believe you. When really a f**k you I'll do what I want should've been the answer

These men just aren't worth our time.

Thank you for reassuring me, means a lot xx

I met someone after my marriage ended that completely bowled me over. Insane chemistry etc. He started showing signs of controlling behaviour early on, but because it was different to my ex’s controlling behaviour I excused it. I remember the first time that I really felt uneasy when was this exact scenario happened, and he even said the phrase ‘I just know what men are like’. He said that ‘no man is friends with a woman that he doesn’t want to fuck’. I debated it until I was blue in the face. Said that even if that was the case with these particular friends that he should trust me to not act upon it etc. It all spiralled after that.

In my opinion, it’s dead in the water from here on in if you want a healthy relationship. I would very swiftly end a relationship if this came up as an issue again. Take care though, this time is hard and your head can feel so foggy.

@WotcherHarry totally agree with your points on ending it. I've not spoken to him since as it's obvious he's in a huff

I don't get men, who think they know what other men are like. Although I found with my ex the reason he was so adamant about these men being like that was because he was like that with women. 👊🏼

Just shocked me when this new one acted not the exact same way, but showed big signs of jealousy about me going out Male friends.

I think it tells you more about the way that he sees women rather than men as a whole. "I know what men are like" translates to I think about women in these terms. He is projecting his view onto the whole sex.

I bet they are insecure making them jealous and controlling.

It's all about finding the right person and not about ditching the male friends. My DH is 100% trustworthy, he works with mostly females and texts them all the time. I don't feel the need to check his phone or ask him to stop because I know he'd never cheat, just the same as I wouldn't with my male friends. You'll find the right person one day.

@lifegoes try and turn this one around and really be happy with yourself that you've recognised it early on. Think of all the awful feelings you've saved yourself.

I think that even bad relationships have their good points, by helping us understand our boundaries and what we can and can't live with. Although as you can see in my posts on the dating thread you have to be careful not to automatically jump to conclusions and put people in the same box.

But if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck then yeah :)

@redexpat my ex turned out exactly like that. That's exactly how he was

@Hiphopopotamous that's how it's taken me by surprise twice. As I would never doubt someone unless they give me reason to. its all about their own insecurities and I do often think "evil thinkers are evil doers"

@falaff so true, I've spotted it a mile off this time. I'm my going there, this is not my issue it's his.
I know, it's not easy to put them in the same box when they act the same.

Walk like a duck part made me laugh