I will try and keep this brief while including relevant information.
Have a partner of 7 years, we have 2 daughters together aged 4 and 3. He has just left after a row and I don't know if I want him to come back.
Our relatonship has been somewhat up and down for the last couple of years. We get on really well and I love him and feel he loves me, but practically in some aspects he makes my life really hard. He's not good with money and he used to drink a lot before the DC were born. This led to trust issues because he would disappear and sometimes it would be with my bank card. He was also a little difficult during my first pregnancy and didn't really step up to help get our life sorted out, I was only 21 when I got pregnant.
He stopped drinking after first DC was born but it came to light much later (within the last 18 months) that he had become addicted to over the counter meds instead. This has been a struffle. It's also increased trust issues because he was obviously spending money on the meds but would try to mask his spending and made me feel bad when I questioned it - until he couldn't hide it any more because of the missing money which is when it came to light. It's been over a year now and in still waiting for him to commit to a treatment programme, his progress is incredibly slow. I've tried to be supportive but I also feel like I've been quite enablist.
We've had ongoing difficulties still around money as I'm not good at accounting for every pound but I still feel like money is going missing. This came to a head today when he got paid for a short bout of work (he doesn't usually work, he looks after the kids while I do) and it's all gone in a day. We did have a couple or large purchases but there should have been at least £100 left and there was nothing. The problem is I'm still not sure if he's simply telling the truth as it got paid in to his account (he says lots of card subscriptions etc have come out) but also the amount he spent out with the kids the day before sounds a bit high. Then again he is bad with money and likes to treat the kids so maybe he did spend that much? The problem is I don't know as it's not transparent and I already have trust issues with money over past behaviour and how bad he is enough it, as well as how I struggle to budget in his addiction it's just all becoming too much.
His attitude today was also a problem, despite me feeling like I'm justifiably edgy about money he always gets so cross and defensive when I bring it up even though literally every week this is a problem. A family member of mine had leant him a cheap piece of tech to help him out recently, and today he smashed it in a temper because of the money issue. I now will have to pay to replace that :(
I'm always behind on bills and have arrears to pay off because of him. I know it's my fault too but the truth is I have got to a point where I feel like I need to hold on to as much money as I can so that we can get through the month. My aunt who I'm close with knows I'm struggling but she thinks it's because I have 2 DC and rent on one wage. The truth is I feel like on my own I could manage easily. It's his addiction and his habits that keep me feeling like we are never making progress.
He's also not good around the house and doesn't really tidy. He will do one big clean every now and again but 90% of the time my house is messy and that really upsets me because it's not good for either of our moods as we both like tidiness, and the kids are obviously there too so it bothers me that he can't even bring himself to do a bit of daily washing up or put the guys away.
He has good qualities like we get on so well when I'm not worried about where money has gone etc and we have the same aspirations, he also really loves the kids. I know as well that he has reasons for his disfunction; he had a terrible unstable childhood and he possibly has ADD, though he is very smart he just doesn't do anything and struggles with focus and motivation.
Before he walked out be said "I'm better off without you" :( I'll be honest and say separating has been on my mind for a while and our relatonship sadly also seems to cycle back round to me thinking that these days. We always make it up because we like eachother and I'm also terrified of the practical circumstances and the effect on the kids who we both love dearly.
I'm just so sick of living like this. I don't like myself in this relationship anymore, I feel like I always have to nag these days and I'm always stressing about money. Im so fed up of wishing he was different practically and I don't like how all this effects my mood and consequently how I act with the kids.
But I do love him, I've waited this long and feel like we're incredibly slowly making progress to tackle his root issues. I'm also really worried about how I would cope as he does all the childcare and I need my job and am doing well there.
I just want something to change I'm sick to the back teeth of him and I'm fed up of finding him inadequate too as I'm sure it's not nice for him but what can I do when his failure to seek help for himself impacts all of us?