Well this is embarrassing

[madcatladyforever]

DH left me three years ago, our relationship had become intolerable over the last couple of our 20 years together.
Divorced since xmas, have pretty much stayed friends and go out to the pub every few months, have a lot of mutual friends and hobbies so we move in the same social circles still.
We both admitted we regret getting divorced but at the time there was no other option because we had reached an impasse and were shouting at each other all the time and not resolving anything.
The time apart has given us the space to sort ourselves out. We are thinking of getting back together, not being married again as I'm never going through divorce number three, ever.
But maybe slowly getting back together.
My relatives will be bloody furious as they all pitched in to help me and listened to hours of whingeing but at the end of the day it isn't them who will have to grow old alone and retire with nobody to be a companion and friend.
Neither of us has had a relationship anyone else.
Given our history together I think we should give it a go. I'm not sure I fancy him like I did before but I'm sure that could be worked on. I really don't know what to do for the best.

What has changed over the last three years? Are you confident things won't reach the stage of shouting at each other again?

If you are, then go for it. As you say, it's you who will be living with your choice, not your relatives.

Would having a 'trial period' be sensible before you make any hard-to-undo changes? It might help you get your relatives used to the idea and avoid them telling you you are making a terrible mistake, if you pitch it as something not necessarily permanent.

You say you don't fancy him. Do you want to shag him when you see him, or are you just after companionship?

That needs to be made clear if it's the case.

If I was your relative I would only be upset/worried if you were returning to a man who had abused you in some way or cheated on you, that kind of thing. It sounds like this wasn’t the case and that the time apart has been good for you both. If you’re going to take it slowly I’m not sure what they can really object to. You’re a grown woman and, as you say, you have to think about your own future. Maybe have a few dates with him, see how you feel. No need for any big decisions or announcements yet.

Think back about what stuff you whinged about.
Has anything happened to make you sure that won't be repeated?
If he's abused you in any way in the past then no way from me.

I think the most important thing to establish is what you both want from getting back together. If you're both on the same page, whatever that page is - be it companionship or romantic passion - then go for it.

All the old problems are still there underneath your truce. They will just resurface when you both relax in to the relationship.

My friend went through some thing similar and was really enjoying getting back with her exH, he really romanced her. Then it started going back to how it was. He went to Thai land on a lads holiday, met a Thai girl, finished with my friend and eventfully married this Thai women.

They got back with each other because they hadn't met anyone else. Not because they were madly in love with each other. When a better offer came along he pissed off.

People don't really change. He is still that bloke you divorced.

The tension comes from having different expectations. In a 'no commitment' parenting friendship, you are laid back with each other. You will have higher expectations and are therefore more likely to disappoint each other if you get back together.

Be careful and cautious. You will really need to work on your communication skills to ensure you can now address and resolve the issues that pulled you apart. As others have said relationships are very different to friendships and you are both the same people with the same annoying traits.

And certainly don't have a relationship because its easier than growing old alone. Are you even in love with him?

Nooooooooooo

Don’t do it!

You don’t fancy him. You want a companion and friend.
You’ve got that already with him - why not just carry on as you are, just see him more often?

You shouldn’t base anything on being embarrassed. And I’m sure some couples could work things out with a second chance.

But everything you say about him screams that you’re just scared of being alone. So just keep him as a friend.

I get along with my exh a lot better now that we just see each other occasionally and have a quick chat. If we had to live with each other again, though, I imagine things would just go straight back to what they were before. How do you think you'd avoid that?

Even if you get back together, there is no guarantee that you will grow old and retire together. And we women usually get left alone at some point. My grandmother married again at 60 and at 80 and still "ended up" alone. I think we women kind of just have to get used to the idea tbh!

Since I broke up with my exh I've had a couple of boyfriends, mainly partly just to have a bit of fun. I was also with my ex for 20 years, and it has been really good just to see something else for a change - how a different relationship would be. I imagine that if I ever got back with my exh we'd probably get along fine just as we did for many years. But the comparison has shown me that actually I might get along better with someone else. Maybe you need a bit of comparison before you try it again?

(I realise my last post is a bit contradictory - I mean that I got on fine with my ex, and we could get on fine again, but I don't think there was enough actual love, and we'd just end up in that position again.)

I may have got the wrong end of the stick but your post reads as if you have a comfortable friendship with your ex which often comes with having a long shared history, neither of you have met anyone else (have you put yourself out there to meet anyone? Given how friendly you still are, it would possibly be an uncomfortable set up for a new love interest to develop) you don't particularly fancy him and you are concerened about growing old alone. I'm not sure that these reasons are enough to base any relationship on let alone a relationship that has previously failed.
I think you are seeking a reconciliation for comfort and ease rather than it being what's absolutely the best and right thing for you.

Thank you all very much. You have all given excellent advice. It's true I don't fancy him any more so we plan to have a few holidays together and live separately and we'll just see what happens very very slowly. There might be a spark there might not. Luckily there was no abuse or cheating in the relationship. Mostly just life got in the way. Horrible bosses, long commutes etc, !the menopause.

Hello,

My husband and I separated nearly four years ago. We have decided not to reunite, but we live close to each other and have daily contact. Is this something that would suit you?