Please can you help me draft one last message?

[ShinyYellow]

Morning everyone,

I am hoping for some help please in putting together one last text to a man I have met and like a lot but who is giving me mixed messages. I want to make it clear I am interested and lightheartedly ask him to clarify said mixed messages.

In short, we met online, had an amazing date that lasted 2 days (didn't DTD), chatted enthusiastically for a couple of weeks, partly arranged a date (not the exact day as he changed it due to work but the place and the weekend). He then disappeared on me, he never ghosted exactly, as I initiated contact once or twice and he would reply, but would only get one message in return rather than entering into conversation. It was clear he was not engaged so I let it go.

I was disappointed but chalked it up to experience and kept on with the OLD. I didn't forget him though.

Around a year later, we bumped into each other at a bar. I was polite but circumspect at first and called him out on ghosting me. He was extremely apologetic and said that he had liked me a lot, still thought a lot about me (he had actually sent me a 'Merry Christmas' text) but had had a horrible year including losing his dad very soon after we met to whom he was very close, had been diagnosed with depression and experienced suicidal episodes, problems at work and with an ex so was not in a position to start a relationship.

We got talking as he was very keen to spend time with me and ended up spending the night and next day together and got on really well again. He talked about how he wanted a family and a relationship and i was everything he wanted, how well we got on and how attractive he found me.

That was 2 weeks ago. I left the ball in his court after last time and contact has been very sporadic although he did say he really wanted to see me but has not asked me out.

I know the advice will likely to leave it and move on, usually my advice would be that if a man is interested, he is more than capable of arranging to see me. I just can't forget this guy though, we really got on well and I haven't felt such a connection in over a year of dating.

My go-to attitude is usually to flirt or make a joke if I am unsure what to do with a man (in any area of life i deal with hard situations by joking) as to be honest i feel embarrassed to admit i have feelings and put them out there but this time i don't want to do that. I want to let him know I like him and ask whether everything he said about liking me was just to try and get a shag or said in the heat of the moment. It was a lot to say if it was just sweet talk.

Basically although we haven't spent much time together and I have tried hard to forget him, I do have feelings for this man and just want to try once to see if he actually has any interest. I get that his actions are saying 'no' but i wonder whether it's the horrible year he's had still affecting him.

I would be really thankful for any advice on how to word this in a message.

So sorry for the essay, I know it's a lot for a man I have met twice, this is just bothering me a lot and it's helped to lay it out in writing!!

*The typo made me smile too!

Morality you're right. I suppose he'd had a drink as well (not totally drunk or anything) which perhaps helped with his creativity the night in the bar making up excuses.

If I am brutally honest with myself I think stubborn pride is playing a big part here in keeping me hooked. He's on paper everything I want: clever, excellent job in a field that really interests me, affectionate (well, when he's felt like it), attractive, a bit geeky, comes from a particular culture that means a lot to me. This leaves me wondering why I'm not good enough for a relationship with him where other women have been. Argh. It's nuts, I know!*

Realised autocorrect went for same-sex when I wrote same.

But you're only looking the 'good' things about him, he's also;

Flaky.
Inconsistent.
Going through a lot of stress, destabilising stuff and is all over the place (or is a fairly extreme lier).
Has gotten his ex pregnant in a situation where she or they ended the pregnancy (sorry to sound judgey but it's hardly ideal, is it - either he can't manage his life choices and relationships, or she thought so poorly of him or their relationship was such a disaster that she didn't want to have his child).

He doesn't trust people well/respectfully ie you - and don't think you're special in that regard, noone keeps all their shit/weird behaviour for one special victim,bid you have the big picture you'll see it on repeat.

Etc

*treat people well

On paper lots of people look good, but they're actually a disaster for relationships.

I think found out she was pregnant after they split up (didn't keep it) which he said he found hard

Sorry I've just seen this - could be very cynical but I find a lot of men tend to opt for 'she decided to abort' sad victim when actually they were shitting themselves and encouraged her at the time.

Alternatively, her opinion of him/the relationship mustve been pretty poor to have gone ahead and done that at age (?) 30 or around.

I think you've seen the tip of the iceberg.

It's also inappropriate if him to tell you she did that, couldn't you run into her, talk to people who might know her (tends to be a possibility in anywhere but huge cities).

I think you've been charmed OP...

As everyone has said on here already, had he wanted a relationship then he'd would have made that happen. He hasn't. Move on and don't message him - you'll regret it!

I wouldn't be surprised if some of what he told you on the second meeting was exaggerated or untrue!

Morality yes, you could be exactly right Bout the pregnancy/ victimhood point.

He said he would have got married and made a go of things for the baby had she not terminated. To be honest, I'd completely forgotten that bit but looking back it seems like bollocks, would anyone marry an ex these days just because they were pregnant (he's not from a culture where there would've been particular pressure to do so)?

The article @NotTheFordType linked above is brilliant - did you read it OP?

www.doctornerdlove.com/protect-yourself-from-a-broken-heart/

The key to your problem is the scarcity/abundance theory. I love the expression "clinging like a lovesick koala" - but that's the problem you've over invested mentally in this man because you see him as Mr Perfect and that the chance of finding someone nearly as perfect is low so you are trying to make something work that you should just let go.

This of it like those toddler slot toys - the star shape will not fit into the triangle slot no matter how hard you push or how many ways you turn it round, look at is from a different angle or try again.

The star shape fits into the start shape slot easily and simply. It slides in with no effort. The shape fits the slot and the slot fits the shape. This is what a good relationship feels like. Easy. No struggling and shoving and forcing.

Goodness where do these men come from. They seem pretty common.
But seriously block him now. Take back control. He’s a player, it might not be for sex, but whatever it’s for it’s bullshit

Mansplain yep read the article, really hit home.

I think it's one of the first paragraphs that mentions this about idealising somebody as perfect and therefore nobody else can measure up. Added to that the sunk costs fallacy of not wanting to feel that a year of thinking about someone and wanting them has been entirely to no avail and my foolish pride and here I am when I should have forgotten this bloke long ago.

To be fair, I have been on loads of dates and had a few short term (3 month or so) flings (2 exclusive, some not) that have led nowhere this past year/ 18 months so I have been trying to meet someone viable, it's all just quite tiring!

My now DH was a bit of a ditherer. He sent mixed signals and it really drove me mad.

After a night out with his being really confusing I was done. I really liked him but I sent him a message saying that he’d led me on and that I didn’t want anymore to do with him.

I cracked on with life, dated etc. And then I ran into him at a party (we had mutual friends). We chatted but I made myself scarce.

He contacted me, told me he’d made a massive mistake and we’ve been together without indicent for nearly 14 years.

My point is, even wobbly indecisive men know how to get the partner they want.

He’s not that into you. He’s not. Don’t degrade yourself. Move on and be happy.

You're right Merryoldgoat I'm glad MN have talked me out of chasing a man who is not interested.

He really is the only one in ages I've been seriously keen on though! All but one of the flings was trying to give something a fair chance in case real interest from my side developed, which it didn't.

Argh. Doesn't feel like I'm ever going to have a special relationship again ('again' in terms of past long term relationships, not this guy!).

Why on earth are you skimming over the fact that he has considered killing himself?

Fucking HUGE red flag. You should be running for the hills. Seriously.

No way in hell would I start a relationship, with a man who is so clearly unstable. He is not good on paper, he is a disaster

Well Tbh I understood from what he said that it was a temporary period of feeling that way after being bereaved and he's undergoing treatment for the depression so I didn't consider it too much of a red flag

But it is though. That's totally abnormal. His actions and interactions with you are all over the place. Unless he's got a 10 inch gold plated knob, I just don't get it. Find a normal bloke.

Goodness where do these men come from

Ah, but therein lies the quandary, surely? Why do so many women fall for them or behave like a love struck teenager when all the warning signs were clearly there to see and turn into total fools?

You've put him on a pedestal and listened to his lies.

Move on

ShatnersWig I suppose it breaks down your resistance, being told exactly what you want to hear, huge flattery and an emotional connection whether it's real or not. When you're not a manipulative person, it seems unbelievable that someone would be dishonest in this way ergo there must be something there worth clinging to.

He's keen on you when you're around, and puts no effort in when you're not.

That says everything you need to know. Re-read Fords article and put him to the back of your mind. Don't think about it as time wasted, think about it as not wasting anymore.