Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

38 1/2 want more children, met new man

27 replies

LuluBellaBlue · 23/02/2019 08:01

As above, I’m 38 with 15 yr ds, he’s 39 divorced no children.
Both want children.
How long would you wait?
Ideally I’d wait a couple of years but at our ages not sure we really have that luxury.

I think I was marriage too (never been married) but actually worried about the equity I have in my house, savings and ensuring my son is provided for.

By the way, he’s incredible and I’m smitten with him. I’ve wanted more children for 15 yrs and never met the right man, until now Grin

OP posts:
Fonduefrolics · 23/02/2019 08:09

I didn’t wait Lulu. i was 33, met someone and within 3 months I was pregnant and not by accident. At the time it seemed like a great idea. Looking back I cringe at what I did. Together 11 years but I didn’t really know him.

Would I want my children to do the same as me? Absolutely not.

Original poster
LuluBellaBlue · 23/02/2019 08:12

Thanks Fondue - after reading your message I thought, Yes! That’s a positive story, and then went, oops yes you’re right. 3 months is no time at all, I’ve had people I’ve known over 10 yrs do stuff that has shocked me.
I wonder do we ever truly know anyone Confused

OP posts:
lifebegins50 · 23/02/2019 08:15

I would say ideally 2 years but at least a year before ttc. However you can also look to go in with your eyes open and try to lower the risk if it fails. Considering 50% of marriages fail its a sensible approach.

Fallout from a divorce could be horrific financially so I would definitely not marry if you are the stronger one financially. However without marriage you would not be protected if you didn't go back to work so that is a factor. Being an older mum is more difficult/tiring so don't assume you will bounce back as you did with your older child (I have been an older and younger mum).

What is his relationship history? Is he on good terms with his exs? What is his family history? Does he have a good relationship with his parents, specifically his mum?

Thd desire to have a baby when your biological clock is ticking is very strong but equally the risk of having a baby with a man who is unknown could be very high. How would your son feel about a sibling?

NabooThatsWho · 23/02/2019 08:15

Will you be financially stable if the relationship doesn’t work out?

Fonduefrolics · 23/02/2019 08:22

You can’t ever truly know someone as no one can read minds. But early days all you can base the relationship on is what they’ve told you rather than base things on shared experiences, their reactions to stressful situations, their relationships with other people. Early days and people are still on their best behaviour and trying to make a good impression.

I’ve got my child and me and him had some good times but we also had some terrrible ones too and it ended horribly. If I’d given it more time I might have realised a few home truths about him. I understand completely the longing for another child to complete your family but bear in mind if you do have a child with him you may end up a single parent or co parenting with an arsehole. It could also work out and you may be happy and together forever but it’s a massive risk and you have a 15 year old to consider in all this too and his feelings. X

CouldntThink · 23/02/2019 08:48

How new new is this man?

Your 15 year old has to be your priority here, as a pp said it’s early days and you’re still trying to impress each other and be on best behaviour. You don’t really know each other so don’t rush in to anything, especially as you have a child.

Original poster
LuluBellaBlue · 23/02/2019 08:59

Thank you everyone, it’s given me lots to think about and importantly some key topics to discuss with him. I’m not really into talking about exes or breakups but actually it might help to get to know him better.

@lifebeginsat50
He’s on good terms with his exw and gets on very well with his mum, little sister and currently lives with his auntie so happy he has lots of close good female relationships.

Yes, I’m very worried about being an older mum and coping with sleep deprivation!!! Literally have no idea how I’d cope, especially as ds was a dream sleeper.

DS would love a ‘family’ and more siblings. Think he wishes it happened years ago but has expressed he’d love me to meet someone and have more children.

@naboo yes I would, as own my property, good job etc.
Just dread the thought of ever being a single mum again. Been separated from ds father since he was only 2 yrs old.

Thanks @fondue - we’ve actually discussed before anything happens perhaps we should holiday together, ideally it being a disaster holiday so we’re both tested and pushed to our worst so we can see the true selfs!! I do think though fitting in and planning things to push each other out of our comfort zone may help to see different aspects of each other.

It’s so hard. The longing for more children and a family unit is so strong. However my first and foremost priority will be ds, which is why I’ve not had more children before now as knew no one was ever ‘The one’ until now!

OP posts:
user14869556378 · 23/02/2019 09:04

At least wait until the 'honey moon' phase has passed??

SheRaa · 23/02/2019 09:05

I met someone, moved in after 6 months (had know him for two years as friends first), pregnant after 9 months - bitterly regret moving so quickly now.

With time being a factor, I would live together after a year & TTC after two years, this should give enough time for the cracks to show.

For me without the time issue of wanting any more kids, I would consider moving in after minimum two years, probably more like five! Once bitten, twice shy!!

Fonduefrolics · 23/02/2019 09:06

How long has it been? Don’t be shy Smile

SparklySneakers · 23/02/2019 09:11

He's 39 and lives with his auntie?? Why?
Don't let your biological clock tick louder than common sense and your gut speak.

Musti · 23/02/2019 09:23

I wouldn't change my kids but I though I knew my ex because I know him as a friend when I was younger. You don't know them until you're in a relationship with them and given it enough time for the honeymoon phase to be over - one so you can see them how they normally are and two so your rose tinted spectacles are no longer there and you can see things more objectively.

Original poster
LuluBellaBlue · 23/02/2019 16:12

Ideally for me, TTC after 2/3 yrs of living together would be good. But I wouldn’t want to live together quickly due to my ds.
I’d also really like at least 2 more children as having brought ds as an only child o wouldn’t want that again.
All this is hyperthetical as we’ve only been together a few months, however it’s good to get perspective so thank you for the feedback and wise words MN Smile

OP posts:
Karigan195 · 23/02/2019 16:19

Honestly it depends entirely on you two. If you feel it’s all good after a while then at 38 you don’t actually have much time to waste.

In your 40’s fertility is greatly reduced and peri menopause looming

bigchris · 23/02/2019 16:23

With a 15 year old already I'd honestly be thinking is it worth starting over again with kids

How will your child feel at this new 2.4 family you're thinking about ?

I'd just relax and enjoy the relationship tbh

Dextrodependant · 23/02/2019 16:30

I suppose it boils down to how you feel about being a single parent.

Would you be able to afford childcare whilst you work and potentially helping DC1 through uni if that's what he wants to do?

Ella1980 · 23/02/2019 16:59

I'm 38 and if my fiance and I had the money/space we'd definitely be wanting to try for a child together before too long. I have two kids (9 and 11) but fiance doesn't have any.

You're right, you don't have the luxury of lots of time biologically so can't wait for years more. We know in our situation it's not possible but I'd say if you have the finances and you're both sure it is what you want then go for it before too long. It may take a while to fall etc.

Original poster
LuluBellaBlue · 23/02/2019 19:41

Thank you again to PP for the feedback.

I definitely want more children, always have done and would be pretty gutted if I didn’t.

Financially I’d be ok if worst case scenario we broke up and had I children to support and ds through uni (right now he wants to be a pilot Shock $$$) it’s just the thought of ever being a single mum again does feel me with dread. I’ve been pretty much single for over 8 years now too.

But like other pp say. I just don’t have the luxury of time on my side!

OP posts:
Travisandthemonkey · 23/02/2019 19:46

Think about the worst case scenario and if you think you can deal with that then go with your instincts
I mean absolute worst case scenario, because you don’t know this man from Adam.

Drizzlehair · 23/02/2019 19:52

Why not pay for some fertility testing? That way you can get a half decent idea whether you can happily wait 2 yrs or if you might as well throw the contraception away now after std testing obvs as you'll have such a low chance of conceiving naturally that you should start hoping for a miracle baby asap

It's been a long day and I'm knackered so my wording isn't quite right but hopefully you get my point

Orangepear · 23/02/2019 20:07

I regret getting pregnant and marrying my stbxh within a few months of meeting. MN told me not to do it at the time but my biological clock sadly spoke louder. I have lovely DC but at a massive financial cost as I was a homeowner and unbeknownst to me he was shit with finances, and a liar. My life now is not what I wanted for my DC.

TeachesOfPeaches · 24/02/2019 06:53

I also rushed into a relationship and has a child very quickly. Don't regret my son but ex is an arse of the highest order and being a single mum is tough

apparentlyso · 24/02/2019 17:07

You basically are thinking of having a child with a stranger, then presumably moving that stranger in to live with your existing child when you do get pregnant.
That's fine, your decision, but it's risky IMHO.

KingMash · 24/02/2019 22:10

We TTC after 18 months together (although we're friends for a couple of years 1st). I was 38 and knew it could take a while but as it happens it only took a month Grin. Baby is now 8 months and don't regret a thing. I also have a 15yo from previous relationship

pissedonatrain · 24/02/2019 22:56

How long has he been divorced?
Does he have a stable job?
Why is he living with his Aunt?
Does he have any assets of his own? Savings? Property?

Swipe left for the next trending thread